Wellness guilt

[mumstheword]

I find myself feeling better and getting an attack of guilt for it.
Feeling bad for everyone that's suffering and that I should be.
That I don't have a right to be feeling good.
That I'm faking my illness because I feel better at the moment.
That I'm just lame, lazy, spoilt and self-indulged, because, if I'm feeling better, my impairment isn't really real, is it?

Is my condition an excuse?

I know this is BS. That it's a cognitive distortion. I feel like I'm frightened to be well at the moment. That I'm keeping my condition as a wet blanket that I can cover and hide myself with. A piss-covered blanket that is probably more cowardice than anything else.

I think it's one of those layers of self-doubt, self-distrust and self-disgust that is actually just more of the illness. Damn. I sabotage feeling good again. Somehow I'm not permitting myself to feel ok about feeling ok.
More work is required isn't it?
Nobody has to answer this I'm just venting aloud, so to speak.

 

[Suzetig]

Feel free to vent but I know when I feel like this it's because I'm scared of being well. I know who I am with PTSD, know my limitations, know my triggers, can keep my world small and safe.

When I'm feeling better? The world is my oyster, I could do anything at all - like "normal" people, without feeling shame and fear and guilt. Who would I be, what could I do if I didn't have this illness... which starts to get very scary because I could do "anything" but I'm not meant to do anything because I have this disorder.... as horrible as it is ptsd is a known quantity to me, the real world is full of new triggers, new levels of visibility and exposure and I might find out that I can do more than I thought. Am more capable, less triggered etc etc which in one way is great but does that mean the trauma wasn't real, and if it wasn't real what the hell have I been struggling for all these years, and if I'm better now, why couldn't I get better before now, why did it take so long, and what if I feel better now but then struggle again but have no room for struggle because dammit I thought I was well enough...

Yep, a piss covered blanket sounds positively welcoming compared to that endless second guessing, bullshit thought cycle.

I'm having a really good day today and that exact thought process keeps playing through my mind. In fact I think I'm going to journal that and take it to therapy.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Part of having the bad days, is that you know what to expect and how to react. When we have good days, it’s a shock to the system!!! How should I act? How should I react? What will others think??? It’s kind of a mind f*ck and it’s kind of scary too.

Don’t feel guilty, but rather try and embrace even 5 minutes of it if you can. You worked hard for it and you deserve to relish in it!!!!!

 

[mumstheword]

Feel free to vent but I know when I feel like this it's because I'm scared of being well. I know who I...

I can so relate. Seems like we are struggling with the exact same sort of thing.
I decided to be gentle with myself. Stop thinking in black and white terms.
Sure, I feel a little better. That's actually a good thing. I should enjoy it while it lasts. Be realistic. Treat myself a little gentler. Just because I get a little relief from symptoms and more of a sense of what might be "normality" and health, that actually is what I want and I've been working for but I'm still dealing with lots of struggle, impairment and long term entrenched ways of behaving. My brain is repairing. Neuro-plasticity is a real thing!
It's good to have relief and a sense of being ok, to feel kinda good about myself. That's actully an ok thing to do, even though it's scary and more unfamiliar than not.
I got an idea today, that I'm just like normal people. I was doing normal stuff, my guy took my high school kids and I out. Orthodontist for my girl and new clothes and shoes shopping for my son. I just felt so "normal". It felt good, I think.

 

[mumstheword]

Part of having the bad days, is that you know what to expect and how to react. When we have good days, i...

So exactly how it is! Reality check. Thank you @She Cat :-)

 

[Freida]

which in one way is great but does that mean the trauma wasn't real, and if it wasn't real what the hell have I been struggling for all these years, and if I'm better now, why couldn't I get better before now, why did it take so long, and what if I feel better now but then struggle again but have no room for struggle because dammit I thought I was well enough...

wow. you took those words right out of my feeble little brain!

I just felt so "normal". It felt good, I think.

Yeah!!!

 

[Sideways]

Journal about this. Write down somewhere how it feels, what it’s like, how worthwhile your life is, how it has meaning. When we have our tough days, it’s one thing to have someone else tell us “Hang in there, it’s worth it”. It’s another thing to read your own words telling you that - it’s indisputable proof, in those dark hours, “This is worth it, I’m worth it” - proof that you can get to that place where life is worth it, because you have done it before, you’re living it right now.:)

 

[Stephernovas]

I just posted something like this in the anxiety section. I like the way you worded it - wellness guilt sounds right. I've explained it before as feeling like I fake called in sick to work. I also have some physical things I am trying to work out from my accident and because my medical team has not been listening to me, or respecting the fact that I know my body better than them, the second I feel better from physical pain - I believe I'm lying. Same goes with PTSD. Unless I'm in an active panic attack or in constant anxiety/depression, I'm just a liar. It is so awful and it's bringing about it's own sense of anxiety. It's so frustrating because I keep hearing "Oh, you're being too hard on yourself", yet I'm not getting the appropriate care to help me feel better. I just want to sit here and talk to people who get it. Everyone else sucks.