What Am I Doing Wrong?

[Mammo]

Hello,

Ok, my T is a subscriber to the "what are you physically feeling and where in your body" philosophy of whatever it is he's treating me for...

This is very challenging for me, as I really do live entirely in my head, and never have considered myself a "physical" kind of person. Most of the time I either feel nothing; or I think I'm feeling X, describe what I feel and he says it's Y.

In our last meeting he kept saying things like:
- Why are you always pushing down your feelings and remaining intellectual?
- Why are you keeping a "wall" between us, and not showing what you feel.
- I'm terrified of closeness or something...

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT I FEEL?!?!!?!!

I want very much to do what he wants, but I have no idea what I'm supposed to do? He asks questions and my mind goes blank and I literally "feel" nothing...?

Is this normal? What am I doing wrong?

 

[mrsps]

My T asks about feelings in my body! I don't get it either! Today we were laughing about something and she said how does my body feel when I laugh ..... umm I don't know! Lucky for me my T is really good if I say I don't know.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong, maybe just explain to your T that most of the time you don't really feel anything. As you work with him more he may help you "feel" in a way you never have before *shrugs shoulders* who know!

 

[Sandstone]

I don't think you are doing anything wrong either. It seems to quite a common response in PTSD. My T observed that when she asked me how I felt I would usually start my reply with "I think.."

This is very challenging for me, as I really do live entirely in my head, and never have considered myself a "physical" kind of person.

Oh yes!
We were talking about a range of physical conditions I may need to take to the GP, and I concluded that if I acted on any, it would be my heel "because that is furthest away from me"

I've begun to move into it by observing what my body is doing, so now when asked about a feeling, I might inspect my body reply that my feet are up on tiptoe and that is uncomfortable, so I expect i'm tense about it, or that my breathing has speeded up so I must be anxious. It does come, gradually, and I begin to see why it is necessary.

 

[fellowsufferer]

@Mammo I've got the same problem regarding difficulties for feeling my feelings and discerning between those feelings. My T let me do a exercise, where i had to describe 5 objects in the room only with my 5 senses ( hearing, seeing touching, smelling, and another one (i can't remember)). It felt very difficult for me to experience the NOW. I will practice this exercise and breathingtechnics as my intuition gives me the impression that this will help me! Nut the beginning is not easy!

 

[shimmerz]

I am so out of touch with body experiences I don't feel hot or cold even. It was a problem when dressing in hot/cold weather as I would under/over dress. I have had people trying to teach me for about 5 years now. Some success, but not a ton.

One therapist taught me to identify 'different'. I didn't have to name what it was but just that it was different. That got me to be able to say 'I could be warmer' when I was cold and then do something about it (like put on a sweater). I have to use different words than most in order to identify what my body needs. Just wondering if this might be a possible angle that you could look at this from.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You don't have "feelings" in your body? Ahhhh you're so lucky!!!

 

[shell]

When I am not feeling anything in my body, or emotionally I can guarantee I am holding my breath, or breathing barely at all, shallow but slowly. My T reminds me to breath, to look around the room, so that I come back into my body. If I am really triggered badly, I will be breathing rapidly and hyperventilating.

Traumatized people who avoid their emotions often hold their breath, and do not breath from their belly. I had to read up on correct breathing and practise, because without retraining and doing breath work I couldn't process my trauma. It took me years to learn not to shut down my emotions, as I was terrified of them, as I had been numb both emotionally and detached from my body since early childhood. When I first started therapy I was so terrfied I would dissociate as I walked into the room, and have out of body experiences.

Being shut down and being in my head was my normal when I first started therapy, you aren't doing anything wrong, because trauma can make people have different methods of coping, but if you want to progress in therapy you may need to work on grounding, and your fear of emotion. Learning to trust felt impossible, and I still struggle not to run away when I can feel myself being dependant on my T for help, I had to learn to feel safe in my body, to being present in my body, made the difference to me, it stopped me getting stuck and getting nowhere in therapy.

I don't know why he appears not to be understanding why you do that, it is not unusual for someone who is traumatized from a young age, it is a coping method, perhaps he is just trying to bring your attention to it ?

To feel your body, start by focusing on the feeling of water on your body in the shower, feel the heat and cold. Do it every day, and just focus on that feeling, and over time it can make a difference to feeling your body, and being present.

 

[sun seeker]

Lots of people with trauma have trouble identifying either body sensations, or emotions, or both, and lots of people especially with developmental trauma have trouble with connection. A good therapist will be patient and creative, not push too far too fast. These are things to be worked on, but not forced.

- Why are you always pushing down your feelings and remaining intellectual?
- Why are you keeping a "wall" between us, and not showing what you feel.
- I'm terrified of closeness or something...

Is this how he phrased it? If so, it is concerning. I feel it might be more helpful phrased as a question that invites you to explore your responses. The way it is phrased here makes it seem more like a criticism.

For instance, "I notice that when I asked what you were feeling in your body, you gave me more of an intellectual response. That was interesting. Is it hard for you to identify what is happening in your body?" or "It seems as if there might be some discomfort around showing what you feel. Is that right? Do you know what that is about?"

See how both of those are non-judgemental and invite you to explore rather than defend (or retreat)? Therapists are usually well trained in how they use language. If yours is not, it is cause for concern. Maybe I'm misinterpreting this?

 

[shimmerz]

I agree wholeheartedly with this

Is this how he phrased it? If so, it is concerning. I feel it might be more helpful phrased as a question that invites you to explore your responses. The way it is phrased here makes it seem more like a criticism.

 

[shimmerz]

Ahhhh you're so lucky!!!

I am learning that this is not so lucky as one might think. :confused:

 

[watundah]

Big problem for me too and my therapist is certified in Somatic Experiencing. When the dissociation was really bad she did a lot of this to help me get back to my body. Many times I do feel nothing but after a few.moments I can say I feel self conscious, tightness in my chest, buzzing in my hands, etc. Another slow process, body awareness. Think (there's that word) of the tiniest things...feet on floor, butt on chair, etc. Start small

 

[joeylittle]

@Mammo, my therapist is very much like yours. For the first six months or so seeing him I was utterly disconnected from knowing how things felt physically. And I always thought I was failing therapy by not knowing. He did figure out after a little while that asking me where I felt something in my body was going to result in me pausing, not feeling anything, and saying 'nowhere' in an ever-increasing tone of frustration. So he stopped asking.

And after about 6 months, when we were getting deeper into things and I knew him better, I started feeling things in my body.

I don't think it's a 'requirement' that you be able to do this right away. I do think there is useful information in understanding how your thoughts and memories are connected to you physically, how they are expressed or suppressed, etc. I know that in my case, underneath that physical 'nothingness' there was a whole lot of physical memory that was very pushed down. So for me, it was both incredibly painful (still is) and also an indicator of progress, when I started feeling it.

I think it's fair for your T to comment on there being a block, or 'wall', between you and a complete connection to your emotions. Some people have it the other way round - their body feels it even though their mind is blank.

It's up to you whether you want to talk to the T about this more openly, ask what their ultimate agenda is, why they think the body is connected and how you can work towards integrating it (if you find their argument compelling). I'd encourage you to talk about it though, the sooner the better.