What Am I Doing?

[Kb3]

I'm not sure what it is that I'm doing, but it takes me away from reality and the present.

I comb the internet for anything related to my trauma for sometimes hours a day. I'm looking for an answer, and keep trying long past the point that my searching would have yielded one.

It has made me bitter and twisted. Journalism distorts the way events happen, I know this. I know what happened and probably why it did, but I still knaw away at it like a dog with a bone. I really have no idea of what I am hoping to find.

This event has consumed me, heart and soul. It will not let me go.

The anniversary is coming up. I know that I don't have to get sick, but still I feel it coming on, sucking me in again. My concentration is bad, and I feel stressed with all the things that need to happen at this time of year already.

I fall easily into thoughts of the past when I am alone. I often catch myself staring into the distance, my head full of darkness and rage. When I am interrupted by someone in a moment like this I can switch right into normal mode in the blink of an eye. There are two people who live inside me, one who stays inside with the memories, and one who answers the door.

I also look back at all I have written about it, and feel a sense of horror and disgust at how it has driven me so insane. I mean I was a few sandwiches short of a picnic before it happened, but now all that seems to be left at times are scattered crumbs. (That's a terrible analogy and I apologise, but it's the best I can do right now.)

Sorry this is so all over the place, and it's probably in the wrong forum, but I'm feeling freaked out right now and wondered if anyone else was too.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I fall easily into thoughts of the past when I am alone. I often catch myself staring into the distance, my head full of darkness and rage. When I am interrupted by someone in a moment like this I can switch right into normal mode in the blink of an eye. There are two people who live inside me, one who stays inside with the memories, and one who answers the door.

I relate a lot to what you've written here eat0429, especially the part I've quoted. Thankyou for sharing it. I really hope you are feeling better tommorow.

 

[Pippi]

I relate to that part as well. I have also spent hours at a time surfing the web for answers. It gets better with time.

It is amazing, though, how "normal" we can seem to other people, when we feel so messed up inside.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Pippi- Spot on!

Though, I suspect I seem less normal than before. Yet, most people that know me, have no idea of the battle that I am fighting. I put on the smile, the world is a stage, and since my children are my audience, I have no choice. I just do not like when I have to do it for my supporter- if I can not be honest in my relationship, if I can not sulk, or cry or show fear, where can I?

(((Eat0249))) Anniversary dates are hard, it rehashes the moment for a lot of us. I know that it does for me. And sorry to admit- the sandwiches and crumbs remark- you did bring a smile to my face. I just wish that I could do the same for you. Hang in there. Hugs.

 

[Kb3]

Thanks everyone. I knew that I could count on you to help me with this. I hope that we all feel better soon. Peace.:)

 

[Srain]

(((((((((((Eat0429))))))))))))))

The pull of the darkside to go "hunting", is something I do about once a year, whether it's checking the archives of the Universities for the old Alumni (which I did find an old name pop up, much to my shock recently) or doing a search of our neighborhood for the local offenders and trying my best to hold myself back from standing outside their door in the dark, knowing all the children that walk by in the mornings....I have a side that rages deep within..that I try to keep locked tightly but she slips through the cracks in a daze sometimes when it comes to the internet...it's like riding a storm.

There's only one anniversary I have stuck in my head ever and it's never to do with anything weddings, deaths, birthdays, or trauma ..for some reason I lack that gene, like the GPS gene, but the other one is a seriously heart breaking one for me so I get that part of it and the relationship to all else.

Eat, I don't know if I was ever full deck of cards prior to, my mother likes to tell how I was, like she would know! I am now the woman that will jump on the back of an attacking pit bull with nothing but my desire to save a defenseless pup minding it's own business in the breezeway, and that is something I would rather be.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

(((Srain))) It is a storm, and we are all riding it. Normal people just have an easier time of doing so.

You're amazing Srain.

 

[Kb3]

Well I'm still a hopeless web junkie, but have started to slightly spread my searchings wider than medical/psychiatric stuff and am not being so triggered by what I am reading.

One of the things that I love about this forum is how I can look back at other posts that I have written and see how my focus has changed.

For instance this past July I was getting my knickers in a twist about possibly being medically blacklisted. I was outraged and incredulous, not wanting to believe it could be true.

Well it probably is true (at least with one specialty anyway) but reading and thinking about it doesn't upset me anymore. I have other options for treatment, such as leaving the country, and I may not even ever need treatment. I don't worry about it as much, which is amazing, because it used to make me feel really afraid and vulnerable.

More recently I've become antipsychiatry, which I've been doing a lot of web searching and reading about. My knickers were similarly twisted over this issue as well, but again I've been able to step back and think about it in less black and white terms. It may be good for some people, possibly fewer than they'd like to imagine, but it wasn't good for me. I can let it go, knowing that I have the wherewithal to look after myself now.

Rather than feeling wronged and outraged over these mistreatments anymore, I am now feeling more of a sense of gratitude that I am empowered by choices. The choices were generated by the hard work I have done getting to know myself and what is good for me. It has taken a lot of navel gazing and commitment to the therapeutic process, as well as hundreds, perhaps thousands of hours on, yes, the Internet, but I am finally developing a sense of psychological independence that I have never had before.

I don't feel shame about the anger I felt and can still feel, because it has been a force which has galvanised change for me. I allow myself to be angry about stuff, but it doesn't have to consume me anymore. My strong desire throughout this whole process has been to avoid becoming bitter. I get dangerously close at times, but by allowing myself to be grateful for the good things in my life, and the stuff that has gone right, I can pull myself back from a permanent state of cynicism and suspicion. What a gift!

Maybe I should post this under accomplishments, but somehow it felt right to put it here. Sort of like answering my own question:).