General What are they thinking?


@Freida - my best wishes. You know s family member lives with us and while that relationship has complications even straightforward situations - with us - it’s not easy .

We have some ground rules in our house - when people are in their bedrooms - in day time - they are not to be disturbed unless they say - I’m going to bedroom but I’m available. Sounds formal but it’s really useful boundary setting. Not just for ptsd but for safe smooching or watching a non PG rated movie if you have a kid in the house now .

I also have a schedule that preempts my window of tolerance and allows for others’ issues . ( it’s not only my mental health that counts. Right? ) Just knowing what needs others have and having some schedules that can be reviewed for and high pressure areas ( any shared bathrooms/ kitchen / cooking duty - ) and agreement over what constitutes ‘fair shares’ of doing stuff, so everyone feels included , no one taken advantage of etc.

you are a good sister /aunt and a good human for doing this as is your partner ♥️


Thank all sufferers for sharing your experiences. It's really helpful. When my sufferer disappeared, I was uninformed and had no context for it at all. I went through a series of emotions.

The first was disbelief. I trusted him. I know he loved me. He would never do something like that me. I'll hear from him.

Then the search for an alternative explanation. Did something happen? Is he hurt? Did he lose his phone, and that's why I can't get through to him? It sounds naive , but the mind just can't make sense of what is happening.

Then it became hurt and fear. I was wrong about him. He never really cared about me, It was all a lie. Feeling angry, which is really a cover-up for the fear. The fear that if I could be so wrong about someone, how could I trust myself and my own judgment?

Then rejection of that. I know it was real. There has to be some explanation. Messaging frantically, trying desperately to contact him through other means, without success. Needing some resolution for the overwhelming confusion. It's just irrational. Feelings of desperation for some explanation. Should I go to his house?

Then self-doubt. Did I do or say something wrong that caused him to flee? Was it my fault?

Then trying to fix it. If it was caused by something I said or did, then I should be able to fix it. More attempts to contact him, apologetic, showing empathy, trying to get some kind of response, some explanation.

Cycling through these emotions, endlessly. Until I learned more and understood that is wasn't about me.

Then came the grief. Hurting so much. The tragedy of such a beautiful person having to go through this, and most likely losing him, because there is nothing I can do, no action I can take to make it better. Trying to let go. More bargaining. What can I do or say to influence him to come back and talk to me? Nothing. It's all on him.

It takes a long time to get over. I've been through a number of break-ups of LTR's and a divorce. It may seem crazy, but none of them were as hard as the end of this brief relationship. Because the endings made sense. There was a deterioration of the relationship that signaled what was coming. There was an adult conversation and resolution. Acceptance that the connection just wasn't right.

With this, all I'm left with is the memory of this amazing love that seemed to be building toward something. The connection was right. He appeared to be trying to connect more deeply, giving signals of growing commitment. Excitement and hope for a great future. And then in a moment, he was just gone. It haunts me.

@Freida, thanks for starting this thread. I don't mean to minimize the pain you sufferers go through that causes you to do these things. There is a lot of pain on both sides.
This is what I’m going through now.

@Freida - thank you for the insight. I always thought my vet was impatient with "whining" because of what he had been through. You've helped me realise that perhaps for him its not in the past - its what he is going through - present tense.

Hugs if you accept them.
This is what took me awhile to realize

Is the anniversary date thing a big, common issue for sufferers? My wife gets worse every November because she had 3 family members die (different years) in November. She knows each death anniversary date and has an even harder time than usual leading up to and during November. This is one of her issues that I've had a tough time understanding. I remember good anniversary, birthdays, date I was awarded custody of my son, etc. However, I couldn't tell you the specific date of any of my loved ones. I've lost 2 brothers and both parents. I know my mother passed somewhere right around Xmas, but I made a point not to remember the date. I don't think about her death as Xmas gets closer. From my logical brain, I think to myself, why can't she just look at it was years ago, just stop thinking about it. Why is it more difficult to not think about someone who died 1,825 days ago, than it was to not think about him at day 1,700? I probably sound rather heartless, but that's just how I think.
Death date is big for me. Some yrs I’m ok. Usually as soon as the leaves begin to fall I feel a little off. The pandemic and working in hospital where my sister died and during the wk she died I had serious flashbacks watching her die. My episode also triggered a series of unfortunate events. :(
I had sexual flashbacks from the time I was a child. It took decades for that to pass. Certain sounds remind me of abuser. Or being in cookie cutter houses that look like where I was abused reminds me.