General What are they thinking?

Freida

MyPTSD Pro
I wonder sometimes if have I learned anything about relationships over the last few years

Well -- I do understand what ghosting is to my supporters, and how damaging it can be.
So do I still do it? Sometimes.
Because it's just easier.
No muss, no fuss, no arguments.
Just poof! and it ends.

Does it mean the relationship meant nothing to me?
Not really sure how to answer that.
I guess it did mean something - then
But right now? Not so much
Will it mean something in the future?
Who knows.

Figuring out why would require a bunch of introspective crap I don't have the energy to do.
So it's easier just to bail.

Ok- so what do I do differently today then?
I'm more honest about space and shutdowns and overwhelm to those who I want to keep in my life
I've talked about what it feels like when I simply just can't engage.
I'm trying harder to communicate when I'm in a good place, so I have a better foundation when I'm in a bad one.

But it's still a struggle.
So.
I'm giving myself a blame pass when I try to explain it has nothing to do with them and they can't accept that as an answer
I'm giving myself a blame pass when they are just super needy and I can't risk my own self care to make them feel better
I'm giving myself a blame pass when I say "I JUST CAN'T!" and they don't understand why
I'm giving myself a blame pass over having ptsd and the cost it can take on others who want me to be someone else

And maybe, just maybe, by giving myself that pass I can build stronger relationships in the future....
Because we will both understand I can't be more than I am - no matter how much they want me to be

So - is this improvement?
Or resignation?
hmmmm... good question.
 

Makeupqueen1

New Here
I wonder sometimes if have I learned anything about relationships over the last few years

Well -- I do understand what ghosting is to my supporters, and how damaging it can be.
So do I still do it? Sometimes.
Because it's just easier.
No muss, no fuss, no arguments.
Just poof! and it ends.

Does it mean the relationship meant nothing to me?
Not really sure how to answer that.
I guess it did mean something - then
But right now? Not so much
Will it mean something in the future?
Who knows.

Figuring out why would require a bunch of introspective crap I don't have the energy to do.
So it's easier just to bail.

Ok- so what do I do differently today then?
I'm more honest about space and shutdowns and overwhelm to those who I want to keep in my life
I've talked about what it feels like when I simply just can't engage.
I'm trying harder to communicate when I'm in a good place, so I have a better foundation when I'm in a bad one.

But it's still a struggle.
So.
I'm giving myself a blame pass when I try to explain it has nothing to do with them and they can't accept that as an answer
I'm giving myself a blame pass when they are just super needy and I can't risk my own self care to make them feel better
I'm giving myself a blame pass when I say "I JUST CAN'T!" and they don't understand why
I'm giving myself a blame pass over having ptsd and the cost it can take on others who want me to be someone else

And maybe, just maybe, by giving myself that pass I can build stronger relationships in the future....
Because we will both understand I can't be more than I am - no matter how much they want me to be

So - is this improvement?
Or resignation?
hmmmm... good question.

Thank you for this. I really needed this reminder.
After a month apart, my sufferer explained to me the other day that ghosting me was his way of feeling free. Not having to answer to anyone.
As much as I understand that, it makes us supporters worry sometimes and that’s what I struggle with. Small things, such as checking in to make sure he’s still alive and well. That’s one thing I’ve always worried about with his ptsd.
Loving someone and knowing they’ve attempted suicide is difficult to process, and it’s natural to worry about them.
So that’s my take on being on the other side of it. I respect him wanting his space, lord knows he needs it. I love that he acknowledges what he needs and explains that to me.
But at what point do I stop caring to the extent that I do? He goes mia for hours at a time, and I think the worst every time. Only because I care.
But again, it’s so nice to hear you say those words. Often, as a supporter, I question if I’m doing anything wrong. But when I hear other sufferers opening up about the exact issues he’s facing, it makes me feel like I’m doing everything I’m suppose to be.
Me giving him space but worrying about him is the only thing I’m struggling with handling at the moment.
For example. Two days ago, he sounded off and said he was tired, so he went to bed at 7pm(or said he was at least) and I let him go.
Fast forward to the next day around 1pm, still hadn’t heard from him. Now keep in mind, he’s an early bird. Since I’ve known him, he wakes up at 6/7am every day. Not hearing from him as of 1pm in the afternoon, I started to worry. Because like I said, he sounded off and that always has me concerned. So I called. He answered and immediately blew up on me saying he was trying to sleep. I didn’t know.
I felt like such a burden to him and his ptsd but I was only concerned that I hadn’t heard from him. I’ve even told him multiple times that he can take all the time he needs, as long as he tells me that. It would ease my mind to know that he’s okay, but just needing space. So it’s hard to be there, but not be there at the same time.
What would be your suggestion for us sufferers in cases like that? I’m really trying over here but I’m stuck on how to handle those situations when they come about.
Thank you for your side as always! It’s greatly appreciated and has helped so much!
 

Freida

MyPTSD Pro
After a month apart, my sufferer explained to me the other day that ghosting me was his way of feeling free. Not having to answer to anyone.
yep.
Because that's what happens when we get close to people. It gets overwhelming and we have to escape.
Remember-- most of us have been horribly let down by people who insisted they cared for us. So ya, taking that risk with someone else is going to come with a lot of drama.
But at what point do I stop caring to the extent that I do? He goes mia for hours at a time, and I think the worst every time. Only because I care.
That's up to you.
Yes, you care and that's awesome. But caring won't stop his disapearing act. Because, well, ptsd.
Chances are high it will continue so the question becomes "how long can you live like this?"
I’ve even told him multiple times that he can take all the time he needs, as long as he tells me that. It would ease my mind to know that he’s okay, but just needing space. So it’s hard to be there, but not be there at the same time.
ya - bout this.
Here's my guess. You are telling him these things when he is triggered, so what ends up happening is the feeling of being pecked to death by chickens. Friendly chickens, but still.... pecked to death

The supporters here actually taught me about this, so hubby and I made ground rules --- once I was in a stable place. If he had asked me to be cooperative when I was triggered? oh ya, I'd have been gone.

But, on a day when we were both in a good place, we could sit down and list out some basics.
I'm not allowed to take off without telling him I'm leaving and I have to check in each evening to tell him I'm alive.

He has to not fuss at me about where I'm going or for how long, and he's not allowed to badger me when I check in.

We both agreed to live by those rules - which took the pressure off of us. I won't lie - it wasn't easy. But now we are in more of a routine. And since I know he's not going to smother me, I often "take off" just to another room in the house

So maybe start there? When hes out of this current mindset talk about simple, easy rules. No more than one or two. Things that are super important to you - like: I know you have a history of suicide attempts so I need you to check in with me each day at 6pm so I know you are safe. Then you have to agree to be ok with a text that says "I'm alive' and nothing more. And so on....
 

Friday

Moderator
Loving someone and knowing they’ve attempted suicide is difficult to process
Yep. It can completely kill trust. Full stop.

What would be your suggestion for us sufferers in cases like that?
Stop making total bullshit lies part of your repertoire.

“Take all the time you need” vs a few hours and you’re out of your mind? Is total bullshit, and an absolute lie/untruth.

“All the time you need” could be 10 years. Or 10 minutes. If you’re only okay with 4 hours, or 16 hours, or 2 days? SAY THAT. instead of platitudes, cliches, and nonsense.
 

Makeupqueen1

New Here
Yep. It can completely kill trust. Full stop.


Stop making total bullshit lies part of your repertoire.

“Take all the time you need” vs a few hours and you’re out of your mind? Is total bullshit, and an absolute lie/untruth.

“All the time you need” could be 10 years. Or 10 minutes. If you’re only okay with 4 hours, or 16 hours, or 2 days? SAY THAT. instead of platitudes, cliches, and nonsense.
The thing is, I’m not sure what I’m okay with.
I’m not sure how much time he can take that I’ll “be okay with.”
I’m taking things day by day, just as much as he is. This is my first time going through this and I’m still figuring all of this out. Give me a break.
If all the time he needs IS 10 years, great(I won’t be here anymore obviously) but I’m not gonna tell him that.
As far as two days or more, I’m okay with that right now. I don’t know what the time frame is yet where I’m NOT okay with it. When I’ll know, I’ll be sure to tell him but until then, he’s grown and will figure that out as time goes on, just as I will.
So my next question is… what do YOU suggest?
Cutting the shit and saying “hey, just letting you know that you can take all the time you need, but if it’s longer than ten years, I’m out!”

Just wondering 😄

Last month for example.
He took an entire month away from me.
At the time, I wasn’t okay with that, or so I thought.
If you would’ve asked me a year ago when we were inseparable if he took off for a month, would I be okay with that, I would’ve said absolutely not.
He up and disappeared but here I am now.
He came back to me when he was ready. And now that I know the extent of things, I was okay with a month.
Did I know that before at the time? No. It was something I took day by day and learned to come to terms with.
So I can’t wake up tomorrow and tell him a time frame. I just know that I’ll do it until I can’t do it anymore and that’s all I can do and say to him.
 
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Livinginhope

Confident
Last month for example.
He took an entire month away from me.
At the time, I wasn’t okay with that, or so I thought.
If you would’ve asked me a year ago when we were inseparable if he took off for a month, would I be okay with that, I would’ve said absolutely not.
He up and disappeared but here I am now.
He came back to me when he was ready. And now that I know the extent of things, I was okay with a month.
Did I know that before at the time? No. It was something I took day by day and learned to come to terms with.
So I can’t wake up tomorrow and tell him a time frame. I just know that I’ll do it until I can’t do it anymore and that’s all I can do and say to him.
You've just put into words what I've been trying to voice for months (years). Thank you. The emphasis is always on the supporter to not be a doormat and establish their boundaries up front, but it's not always that simple. I totally understand what you're saying. I've been there (am there again) too.
 

Makeupqueen1

New Here
You've just put into words what I've been trying to voice for months (years). Thank you. The emphasis is always on the supporter to not be a doormat and establish their boundaries up front, but it's not always that simple. I totally understand what you're saying. I've been there (am there again) too.
I feel as though we should be allowed to set our boundaries when we actually KNOW our boundaries.
I feel as if I were to set boundaries this early in my relationship, I’d be lying to myself and him.
I’m as lost right now as he may feel at times, so that makes it hard on both sides.
I’m glad I could help in a way and it helps me too, knowing that someone feels the same way I do and is going through something similar.
Yes, that’s what this page is for but everyone handles things differently.
We’re not alone and I’m super thankful for these forums because I’ve learned a lot and still am learning.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
If all the time he needs IS 10 years, great(I won’t be here anymore obviously) but I’m not gonna tell him that.

I tell mine that.

If he doesn’t want to be with me then it’s not a relationship. It’s me sitting by myself being alone. I don’t want to be alone for months. I didn’t establish a time limit, but he knows I’m not going to wait around for him if he up and bails with no contact for an extended period of time.

That’s for my mental health, not his.
 

Makeupqueen1

New Here
I tell mine that.

If he doesn’t want to be with me then it’s not a relationship. It’s me sitting by myself being alone. I don’t want to be alone for months. I didn’t establish a time limit, but he knows I’m not going to wait around for him if he up and bails with no contact for an extended period of time.

That’s for my mental health, not his.
I wouldn’t tell mine that only because realistically, he knows better than to think I’d ever wait that long. I don’t think anyone would wait ten years or more(props to them if they could though. Lol)
But when the day comes where I do know a specific time frame, I’m most definitely gonna let him know. I just have to figure out how long that is exactly. I thought I’d be mentally checked out after a month, but surprisingly, I wasn’t.
I do think you have to be in a good place mentally to continue putting yourself in this position though, which is what you were saying.
We definitely have to do what’s best for us as well.
One thing I learned here from a sufferer, is that ptsd doesn’t give them an excuse to be an asshole continuously. We need to take care of ourselves too and I intend to do that.
Props to you for figuring out what was best for you and letting him know! I hope to get to that point sooner than later!
 

Friday

Moderator
The thing is, I’m not sure what I’m okay with.
Then that’s what you say.

I feel as if I were to set boundaries this early in my relationship, I’d be lying to myself and him
That’s what saying “take all the time you need” is doing, when you don’t know what to expect from him, and don’t know how you yourself will react.

Not knowing? Is a valid place to stand in. As well as looping your partner (regardless of who has PTSD, or not) into exactly where you’re at. Which means there will prolly be some “best behavior” stuff going on with checking in more frequently than will happen in a couple years… the same way best behavior shapes all/most new relationships. You get an idea of who they want to be, or think what you want them to be, and then experience teaches.

But if you (or they) flat out lie, in the early days? So the other person is going off of bad info? Ensue clusterf*ck, misunderstandings, heartbreak. Very very few relationships built on lies make it any kind of distance, at all. Some do, and nothing wrong with that, if that’s what you and your partner find thrilling and sexy. That’s simply a different kind of mutual understanding. That just doesn’t seem to be th kind of relationship you’re looking for. So of it’s not? Be uncertain if you’re uncertain. Be you. Figuring it out. Gives the two of you a fighting chance to figure it out together.

So my next question is… what do YOU suggest?
Since you asked.
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
Very very few relationships built on lies make it any kind of distance, at all.
True dat....

What worked for me was keeping relationship our simple. Be friends first. Go have fun. Do fun stuff together. Don't add stuff that complicates things and feelings until it's what you both want.

...that plus total honesty and no game playing or manipulation.
 

enough

MyPTSD Pro
My clerk at the 7/11 and I have a relationship based on trust, otherwise I would be shopping at dollar general. All of the more important relationships I have are based on trust too, I wish. The standard gets harder and harder to enforce as a function of the time involved and the value of the good stuff left over in spite of the loss of the ideal of total honesty and trust. It’s a compromised life we all lead I think
 
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