General What are they thinking?

[Never_falter2]

I agree with @Sweetpea76. Just say so or if you might not be able to say so or have trouble verbalizing your feelings might discuss how you can give him a signal, use a „buzz word“ or a hand sign the both of you discussed before.

 

[Freida]

What am I thinking?
I have to get away...I'm in danger....that means you are in danger....

It hit so fast.... I wasn't ready.. I didn't prepare....

My brain is on fire
My soul is dying
My entire body is in horrible pain
I need to stay away from you so I don't hurt you (emotionally, physically,spiritually? who the hell knows)
You simply being near me makes me feel guilty -- guilty at the events that led me here, guilty at how I'm treating you, guilty that I can't give you the answers you want because I don't understand the questions, guilty that you don't know the real me, that you don't know what I have done
You want too much from me - I have nothing to give you
There is no answer ...I can't find it...and you keep poking at me. You want something -- but I don't know what it is
I don't know the questions --
I can't cry -- crying is dangerous. have to hold it in at all costs
I have to get away from you...you remind me of too much pain, anger, agnst, sorrow
You are the problem -- but you really aren't
I don't know what to do with you - you don't fit the pictures in my head - the screaming and the blood and the pain
The demons have come to play - they take all my attention to control. If I can't see you then you are safe

I have to escape.....leave the house, leave the workplace, leave my head, leave you...

 

[Deleted member 44240]

What am I thinking?
I have to get away...I'm in danger....that means you are in danger....

It hit so fa...

Wow @Freida, no one has ever explained the experience quite like this before. It’s made me feel some of the experience just from reading. From what I’ve read in former post, no one knows how long you’ll feel this way either; could be days, weeks or months. My ex has been avoiding me for going on two months, so I guess he’s feeling some of not all of these feelings and emotions you described. I’m filled with empathy and sympathy right now.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Freida Gentle hug

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Holy f$ck....that was me yesterday, EXACT internal dialogue. This is something that DOES run common paths, I hate you right now brain. For doing this to me, for knowing that you’ve isolated me because you think it’s safer. You’re right, it is. I don’t have to explain the horror of my memories and how they make me feel. I don’t have to pretend I’m fine while I cook dinner cuz you had a tough shift. I don’t care that I worked a 13hr shift cuz it kept my memories from spilling all over the floor, I’ll make you dinner and pretend I’m ok. But this sh/t is going to explode unless I do something, and for you....it’s safer if I go.
I’ll want to come back but now I have to go, and the longer I’m away I forgot what it’s like to have you beside me supporting me. The worse I’ll feel about causing you pain of not being able to find the words to explain what happened. I’m sorry, but you’re better off without me.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

And I’m sorry to everyone who answered the questions I asked....you do help, thank you. Lots.

 

[Freida]

Holy f$ck....that was me yesterday, EXACT internal dialogue. This is something that DOES run common paths

So sad it happens to you. So happy it happens to you too. Y'know what I mean...

Why do I ghost? Because if I don't I can't escape day to day life of "them". I'm in totally isolate mode -- even writing on this site is just irritating the sht out of me. But I'm doing it for a reality check - like what @Warrior Chicken chicken just gave me. It's not just me - which helps a bit.

Unfortunately life goes on around me. Yesterday I ended up having an improptu meet with a friends sobbing 15 year old who had just been dumped for the first time in her life and she asked if she could come talk to me because hubby and I have been married longer than she has been alive and she wanted to know how. What was I going to say? No? so of course I let her come over. Which was exhausting because I want to be supportive but I have to work so very hard to watch what I say so she doesn't become a victim of my anger

Then later that night my sister came over to work on a project with hubby. They are both really good about giving me my space, but they are still in it! I'm in one room trying desperately not to shout at them for just breathing because it hurt my head and they are in the other room laughing and talking and grrrrrr. Each time they walk by they look in the door so I feel like a zoo animal. I know they just want to make sure I'm ok -- but I would be way more ok in an empty house! By the time she left I had a pounding headache and just wanted to cry and scream and yell and stomp my feet. But I will not do that in front of anyone - not even those who love me. Because losing control is ugly and hurtful and painful. That's why doing this alone- without anyone around me - would be the best possible option. But it's one I dont get. Which just makes me hate everyone even more. And yes- I know its not rational! Because its PTSD

 

[Freida]

oh.my.god. even a supporter who has been around for decades can still be an absolute idiot!! I've been pretty open that I'm done with the world, I need to isolate, leave me the hell alone. So guess what he wants to do today? go grocery shopping. On a saturday. Are you F**king kidding me? And you all wonder why ghosting involves leaving the house!

So yes - I will go because we are out of food. And yes - I will accept that he is incapable of doing anything for himself. And I will try to remember that I love him and he is just stupid. Why don't I just say I don't want to go? Because I am barely holding it together. Because saying that would lead to an enormous fight about boundaries and idiots and ptsd and everything else I have bottled up inside me. It would be the match to the bomb in my emotions that I already know are on the edge. And I don't want to lose that control because it will be ugly and once I get started I wont be able to stop. And then he will say the same thing I hear so often from all of you... "why didn't you say you needed to be alone?" Are you kidding me?! I have been saying that for a week. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING

It is easier to just suck it up - get my service dog and go knowing he will be at work tomorrow and for at least part of the day I will be alone. Until he gets home from work. Unless some other member of the family needs attention. Or some friend has a crisis. Or some other inane thing happens that will force me to interact with f**cking humans because no one understands me when I say LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!

And you wonder why I take off...

 

[Hojay]

At the risk of getting my ass handed to me in t-5 seconds, I just want to offer a gentle reminder that sometimes a need to be alone hasn’t been as clearly communicated as one may think. Add to that different communication styles and mixed messages can occur. Eg., maybe you verbally said it, but your partner only “gets it” when you physically leave the room/house for a while, or vice versa. It’s as if I told my partner I’d like to get roses on special occasion, but don’t specifically tell him what a special occasion is, then resent him for not getting me roses on my sister’s dog’s birthday. It’s not immediately obvious to non-sufferers that something like grocery shopping is included on the no-go list. He may have thought it’d be a good real world distraction.

Your needs are just as important as anyone else’s. When you’ve said you need space it’s up to you to enforce it, not for everyone else to read tea leaves about it. That would mean telling him “no I don’t want to go shopping” or telling your family/friend you’re sadly not feeling so well and can’t help etc. If you participate, that’s on you, but then don’t resent them for it.

Ps.: if he’s totally aware shopping is a no go for you right now but needs you to play the good wife and get him things, then I’d say screw him and tell him as much.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

once I get started I wont be able to stop. And then he will say the same thing I hear so often from all of you... "why didn't you say you needed to be alone?" Are you kidding me?! I have been saying that for a week. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING

Good luck holding it together today.

 

[Freida]

It’s not immediately obvious to non-sufferers that something like grocery shopping is included on the no-go list. He may have thought it’d be a good real world distraction.

Fine. Be reasonable. Whatever. :devilish::banghead::happy:

I hate to admit it but you are right. It seems so simple to me --- I want to avoid everyone = dont make me go grocery shopping. But I can also see how I'm creating my own problem (now that I'm done stomping my feet and yelling) by not being more specific about my needs. I mean seriously - don't you supporters come with a crystal ball? I thought that was the first thing the universe handed out when you decided to take us on!

If you participate, that’s on you, but then don’t resent them for it.

This is so hard! I hate "giving in" to the ptsd, so I want to be in life -even when I don't want to be. It makes me so mad that I get derailed - and then I'm mad at myself because even thought I know it's the wrong thing to do I do it anyway. I don't resent the kiddo -- I wasn't so far gone I couldn't help her. I think a lot of it comes down to embarrassment and shame and people being near me to see that just freaks me out. .

Ps.: if he’s totally aware shopping is a no go for you right now but needs you to play the good wife and get him things, then I’d say screw him and tell him as much.

LOL hes a bit stupid some times but he's not a total moron! And you are right (again). If I really didn't want to go I should have used my words....heavy sigh.....

 

[Hojay]

I mean seriously - don't you supporters come with a crystal ball?

I did come with a crystal ball. But by the 1100th time of it being totally wrong about what my SO said/needed/wanted, it threw up its arms, said f*ck it, and is currently backpacking through Europe to find itself.

I hate "giving in" to the ptsd, so I want to be in life -even when I don't want to be.

I totally get that. You don't want to be seen or treated like an invalid. My SO is much the same way. What's interesting about that is that there's an element to this that closely intertwines with the supporter experience as well--or at least it does for me. I don't want to see or treat my SO like an invalid either. So it's always a dance between being mindful of his needs and limitations and being something of a tether to the "real world" in that I don't bend and cater to his every whim--especially when this whim hasn't been clearly communicated. I'll admit, this has gotten me in trouble before, but I think he's learned to appreciate the fact that, with me, he'll always be seen as a grown man with his troubles, but fundamentally his head screwed on straight, and will be asked to communicate and take responsibility for himself accordingly. If I didn't treat him that way, I think I'd have trouble getting it up for him at this point, and vice versa.

I think a lot of it comes down to embarrassment and shame

Get this too. I, for one, don't think in shame and blame categories. If my SO told me straight up, "nope, I don't want to do that," I'd be SO grateful he gave me the opportunity to just go about my day--on my own if I must--instead of him agreeing and me running around with the worry, guilt, confusion of having someone around who's not living within his own integrity at the moment. That's just a total downer no matter which way you turn it.