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What are they thinking?

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by Freida, Dec 5, 2017.

  1. Warrior Chicken

    Warrior Chicken Active Member

    When things are bad like they are for me now, sleep is a problem. It (my brain) is stuck in hyper alert mode cuz of a trigger, a feeling, both. Nothing feels safe, NO ONE, even you. But I don’t know how to say it to you without hurting you, I’m not strong enough for that. So I lay beside you, wide awake cuz danger is everywhere. When it’s this bad, it doesn’t matter how much I argue that you’re safe, you care, you want to help, you love me. I just need to get away from everyone, even you. So, I barely move for hours so that maybe you won’t know, so that you can rest. Wait for you to go to work and maybe I can get an hour but probably not. I can only do this so long before I have to go away to reset, to slow the survival state.
    When I’m stronger, I forget how this feels cuz I don’t want to be back here. I don’t explain it to you because I don’t want to be here feeling this, and I don’t want this to harm you. But it does anyway.
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  3. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

    EXACTLY!!!!! That while thing was just dead on!!!

    And then I go to sleeping like the dead because my system just shuts down because I'm totally exhausted. And they want to do stuff and talk to me and I'm so tired I just want to be somewhere quiet. Escapel!!!
    Rain, leehalf and mumstheword like this.
  4. Warrior Chicken

    Warrior Chicken Active Member

    Like @Freida ....Escape the death, mayhem, chaos, body parts, injustice, and vile human existence. None of that is your fault, I don’t want to show you that cuz it’s too much many days for me to even keep the lid on. I can’t even find the words.

    So.....I don’t know what’s preferable. I do my best to survive and come back. Or I tell you I can’t stand having you near me because even you’re a threat to my survival?
    I KNOW it’s not rational. I KNOW you want to help. I don’t know how you can! I’m trying not to be this way, but I’m not winning at the moment.
    Rain, leehalf, Freida and 1 other person like this.
  5. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

    Rain likes this.
  6. Sweetpea76

    Sweetpea76 Semper ubi sub ubi. Moderator Donated

    Mine is very open and talkative and he tells me stuff like this... maybe not in the same words, but enough that I get the jist. Message received. "He feels like he is going to burst out of his skin. It's not me. Give him some solitude and don't yammer at him. He loves me but he doesn't give a f*ck about anything but not bursting right now. He's hanging by a string. Don't yank the string."

    This is why I know that giving him space is a loving act... and by space I mean leaving him totally the f*ck alone. He told me how he was feeling.

    If it's extreme, after a few days I will go and just drop food off. Like an airlift... open door, drop food (or put groceries in fridge), and leave without talking. If he acknowledges me I might give him a kiss and tell him I love him, but that's the extent of it. I leave straight away unless he wants a cuddle or to nap together.

    It's a loving act. I know because he told me. I don't feel hurt or neglected. If he didn't love me I'd have been on the curb years ago.
    Lindsey J, Rain, Buttercup and 6 others like this.
  7. Buttercup

    Buttercup Well-Known Member Donated

    The value of open communication.
    Rain, Freida and leehalf like this.
  8. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

    Time to go. At sisters house right now for a birthday party and can't wait to get gone. Have a trip booked this coming weekend..bestie was supposed to go with and if she can't hubby wants to go. They don't want me taking off alone.

    But I found out today I can get 2 more days way cheep so I want to go sooner. Hubby not happy with me because it means I'll be alone but that's what i want. Alone. Quiet. Let brain eat itself without having to pretend I'm ok. No interaction.

    Is this ghosting? Sure/maybe/who knows. More importantly I don't care. Just need to go....
  9. Finchlet2

    Finchlet2 Active Member

    I ghost for months at a time but I don't take my body with me. I built spaceship that is parked in the groove between my scapulae, it has rami that emerge and articulates with my left transverse processes and anchors to my right hip bone when I'm in. Its been lit up and waiting for me the last week but I'm not ready to go this time, there's more shit I've committed to and intend to see through. It lights up when the pain reaches a certain level, I'm giving it little sacrifices and spending time giving it an mot so it doesn't go without me. P. S. With these beauties you can literally take a serious bearing and feel nothing and because you relax into the blows you don't sustain half the damage either. I think I'm scared of knives because it wouldn't work if there was a knife etc. Shit. Posting this has made me realise I have some architecture to do...
    Freida likes this.
  10. LuckiLee

    LuckiLee I'm a VIP

    It doesn't sound like ghosting to me. It sounds like you need a vacation. Just keep hubby informed about what's going on. Be careful and take good care of yourself! XO
  11. SpiritSong

    SpiritSong myptsd.com depend$ upon YOU!!! Premium Member Sponsor $100+

    A friend invited me for a weekend to visit her. She wants her brother to pick me up and take me back home. At first I wanted to go, wanted to be with her, wanted to see the city where she lives (been thinking of moving there). Then I got to thinking of all the things that could go wrong: his car could break down and we'd get stuck on the road, or his car would break down, leaving me stranded there with no way to get home. I'd miss work and get fired.... worst case scenarios on and on.

    I've talked myself out of visiting her. I have talked myself out of moving, even though it would probably be a really good idea for me to do so on many fronts. Yes, moving is complicated and takes a lot of effort. Yes, moving is draining of one's energy. However, there are a lot of plus points I am thinking of, and if I could just overcome all these fears. If only. However, that part of my mind that brings these fears up a lot, will not relent!
    Freida and leehalf like this.
  12. B.J.

    B.J. Policy Enforcement Banned

    Are you ghosting with the intent of returning or does it not matter? Do you think of or even remember those you left behind? I’m not being arbitrary, I’m just being inquisitive.
    Freida likes this.
  13. Hojay

    Hojay Well-Known Member Donated

    @Freida I don't think that qualifies as ghosting. You need to be alone for a bit, that's totally legitimate. Whether hubby is happy with it is totally his problem. It'd be ghosting if you took off without warning, gave no sign of life, and ignored all outreach. You told him what's up and he most likely knows it's temporary, so dude needs to deal with it. Is my two cents. Go and "enjoy" your time off guilt-free. (But do double check if hubby is making a fuss because things aren't communicated clearly and he's worried due to lack of info. If that's not the case, then he's being unnecessarily fussy about it.)
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