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General What are they thinking?

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I agree... ghosting is when your loved ones have to check obits and arrest records looking for you. It's dropping off the face of the earth for ignoring every attempt at contact. Are you hurt? Are you OK? Ghosting is the mind f*ck for supporters.

This is a few days alone. You told people where you're going. Sounds more than reasonable.
 
So I've been doing some thinking about a thread that I kind of lost my shit on yesterday between sufferers and supporters. When I calmed down and re-read it, I was struck by the extraordinary difference in responses to the OPs original question.

I think it was one of the most perfect examples of how the thought processes differ between supporter and sufferer when something goes wrong that I have ever seen on this site.

The supporter side was basically calm. They were trying to understand first what went wrong, then the impact of the mistake that had been made and then how they could fix it. And, looking at it from that side later it made sense. Nothing had been done to cause intentional harm. Yes, it was a big mistake but it still should be something fixable. They just needed to figure out how

The sufferer side was not so calm. Yep, I'll own it -- my own response was bitch woman from hell. What is striking me odd today is how immediate some of those reactions were. There was no thinking it out or trying to see the other side or even allowing that it was a well intentioned mistake. Some of us jumped straight to flat out war. This was no simple mistake! This was a violation of trust and caused anger and panic and a HUGE amount of fear!.... Alert! Alert! Alarm Bells!

It really was amazing to see the difference in how both sides reacted. But it did make me (today) think about how some of my fights with hubby have escalated so quickly and why it is sometimes so damn hard to make him understand why I'm so pissed off. I guessing that I believe he's not listening to why I'm upset because he thinks I'm overreacting to whatever "it" was.

But now I'm wondering if its really that whatever "it" was is hitting my panic button - and THAT'S why I'm so pissed off.

Fear. Fear is the foundation of trauma and it is totally unreasonable. Fear makes you want to fight or flight. Fear can't be reasoned with or apologized to. Fear = "oh shit I'm back there" and its the person you love who threw you back there. So it would make sense that I would come out guns a blazin if he did something that my brain translated as danger/fear

So if the fight escalates because of fear...... what in the world do we do? How do we communicate if the supporte thinks its an overreaction to a simple mistake and the sufferer is stuck in fight or flight where no where and no one safe?
 
Retreat to your corners and come back calm and collected.

When J is in "fight" mode. I don't even bother. Nothing I say or do is right. I've even asked him what he wants me to say and that puts hum in a tizzy.

As for the post your referring to. Don't feel bad. The supporter needed to hear those things. Everything you said I'm sure her sufferer wanted to say too. Why were you over there any ways? You're supposed to be hangin out in your diary for now. ;)

So sorry about your PTSD guru!! I miss them already too!! XO
 
I'd rather my vet say "hey motherf*cker, you violated my trust by doing xyz" than not say anything at all and letting it all brew. He has to tell me. How else will I know? Obviously I didn't know I was doing something to hurt him or I wouldn't have done it. I'm stupid in love with that guy.

If he's got a distorted cognition, I know what I really did or didn't do. I need to know that distortion is on the radar though, so I don't go be-bopping along stepping on rakes.

I'd say things like this aren't necessarily an overreaction as much as they're a PTSD reaction that may be over the top, but it has a cause.
 
I'd say things like this aren't necessarily an overreaction as much as they're a PTSD reaction that may be over the top, but it has a cause.
Retreat to your corners and come back calm and collected.

I think this is the problem --- I'm often not sure why I'm reacting the way I am and I may not even see that I'm losing my shit. I just know that I'm frustrated and panicking.

I'm wondering what hubby and I could come up with to say to me to help me see that we are in two different fights.... Discussed on a day when we are calm and just looking for better communication method of course LOL



Why were you over there any ways? You're supposed to be hangin out in your diary for now.
yea yea yea..I know..... :);) Bad Frieda! Back to your time out!
 
So many times J will react to something and i have no idea why he's so mad. According to him he's not mad. That's just him. It's very confusing sometimes! I can say please stop yelling and he says he's not. Lol. Coulda fooled me!
 
@Freida I just think it's great you're at a place where you realize, after the fact, and can kind of process it, that it IS a cognitive distortion. My sufferer never got that far, mainly because he can't/won't do the work to do it. I have really appreciated your take on this thread, truly.

I'd rather my vet say "hey motherf*cker, you violated my trust by doing xyz" than not say anything at all and letting it all brew. He has to tell me. How else will I know? Obviously I didn't know I was doing something to hurt him or I wouldn't have done it. I'm stupid in love with that guy.
Very much this. I'm pretty sure I still haven't been forgiven for something I didn't know hurt my sufferer until it was, to use his words "too late."

According to him he's not mad. That's just him. It's very confusing sometimes! I can say please stop yelling and he says he's not.
OMG - "Quit assigning emotions to me!!!! I'm not angry!!!!!" "Then why are you screaming at me?" "I'M NOT SCREAMING AT YOU!!!!!" Hokay then. My sufferer HATED (probably still does) anyone trying to "tell" him what he's feeling. Dude, if you're looking angry, acting angry, yelling, swearing, and throwing things...hey guess what, I'm going to go out on a limb and figure you're angry.

Inside, you may be frustrated, scared, panicking...but outside? It's anger.
 
Dude, if you're looking angry, acting angry, yelling, swearing, and throwing things.
Ok - that's damn funny because..... Bestie was over a couple hours ago --today!-and I was talking about a particular trauma and she looked at me and said, "do you realize you are angry right now?' To which I replied ..."no - I'm not. I really don't feel anything about it"... she started laughing, poured me another glass of wine and said "well...its all over your face and in your voice so I guess you are the only one who doesn't see it."

crap. Always the last one to know......
 
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