General What are they thinking?

[HopefulD]

Well...to make matters worse...I work with the person and have to see them frequently. We don’t speak at all because she won’t even make eye contact when we pass by. It’s wild.

I'm sorry. That's got to be very painful :(

 

[EveHarrington]

I hate to say it, but in this day and age, ghosting is VERY common.

Her ghosting you may be less of a ptsd thing and more of a sign of the times thing.

And the younger you are? The more likely you are to ghost and/or be ghosted.

I just have to point this out as something that may actually have nothing to do with ptsd.

 

[NaeNae75]

I guess I'm pulling your thread back up... like it or not! Did your husband ever pull away from you too, during these times?
If he did, would you know he was just trying to figure his own stuff out or would you have written him off?
What was the longest you shut him out? Are you always in your present relationship with him, or were the ever times you were bringing up ancient times?
As you know, mine's focused on ancient history between us not who I am today. I don't know if that's the EMDR at work or what...but I don't think is fair, especially when our "versions" of what happened are vastly different (like the hotel story)

 

[Freida]

LOL hmmm..... let's seee... :laugh:

Did your husband ever pull away from you too, during these times?

Beats me. :) It's really hard to admit but nope - I have no idea if he does or not. Because he's just not 'there" anymore for me. I don't see him during the really bad times -- when he says I'm like a zombie. When things are only sorta bad he does back off a bit -- I always think of it in terms of giving me space

If he did, would you know he was just trying to figure his own stuff out or would you have written him off?

I think when you hve been together as long as we have this ^^^ is inevitable. It's part of the ups and downs. But to be honest (crap) I doubt I would ever give him the time he gives me. My ptsd would kick in saying he was done with me and I would run. (hey - at least I'm predictable! :laugh: )

What was the longest you shut him out?

In recent years? Last year it stared halfway during December and didn't end till the beginning of feb. But I had a shit ton of stuff going on in real life as well as the pstd anniversary crap. I know it's bad for 3 weeks in January - not sure if it goes on longer in other months? I'd have to ask him. I do know he worried for a long time (think years) that I would be gone when he got home. I had no idea - that was long before the diagnosis

Are you always in your present relationship with him, or were the ever times you were bringing up ancient times?

yep -- that makes me giggle. Darlin I'm not even always present in my own head, much less my relationship! :roflmao: But I do get what you are asking. Yep - I've nailed him with old stuff before, because I lose track of what time I'm in. I'll be mad at him because of something that happened in 2002 -- because I forget I'm in 2018. Hell - I've been pissed at him when I've woken up in the morning because of something he did in a dream. I think that's another thing that happens in a lot of relationships --even those without ptsd. It's more communication than diagnosis. We did marriage counseling long before we knew what was going on with me and the best thing we learned was how to fight more effectively.

As you know, mine's focused on ancient history between us not who I am today. I don't know if that's the EMDR at work or what.

ancient history? hmmm... I'd have to ask him. But emdr? Yea - that completely f*cks with my mind. And I have to stay away from him for about 24 hours because I'm a total nutjob and who better to take it out on than the person right next to me.
Whew!

Hopefully some other sufferers will weigh in too -- I'm curious for their take on it...

 

[SamRuck]

As you know, mine's focused on ancient history between us not who I am today. I don't know if that's the EMDR at work or what...but I don't think is fair, especially when our "versions" of what happened are vastly different (like the hotel story)

Though things are a little more complicated because of my wife's d.i.d., she was stuck in the ancient history of our relationship, too, and it didn't matter at all about my version of things or how hard I was trying or had changed. I finally decided I valued the relationship over who was right (saw that quote somewhere and really held onto it during that time in our journey) and so I changed tactics and ANYTHING she accused me of, I would offer a heartfelt apology for after I had questioned her to be sure I had understood my 'offenses.' I began to NEVER justify myself but simply apologize. I also began to realize that much of her anger was truly coming from the original abuse she suffered as a toddler, and I was the only convenient person upon whom she could vent her very justified anger from her childhood. So I allowed her to do so, understanding what was happening internally in her. It took about 6 months to drain all the anger out of her, and then things were much, much better. After we were through it, she even came back and apologized some to me because once she wasn't trapped by her anger: she could see things from my perspective a little.

Anger from any trauma we suffer is a chain that traps all of us in the past. Once I helped release my wife from hers she was able to move to the present.

 

[user47718]

I want to applaud all of the sufferers here for explaining how an isolate and shut out happens for them. My being a supporter am still learning how to not have my feelings present when dealing with this. My sufferer ended our relationship with an argument and then left me without a word of explanation of his needing to isolate, nor that I wouldn’t hear from him either for a while or forever. I have to explain from a supporters point of view, if we love you and support you as we say we do, this type of hurt is unexplainable. I understand that I shouldn’t take things personally, but it’s hard not to. I can’t believe that someone that claims to love you would be so callus and uncaring. Please understand by no means am I minimizing this type of illness, but I guess I still don’t understand. I’m currently giving space by not contacting him at all; and since he’s blocked me on social media, I can’t contact him there. So I’m saying all of this to say, I’m still completely lost on how to be more supportive and what more I can do? I welcome any nd all advice from sufferers and supporters alike.

I want to applaud all of the sufferers here for explaining how an isolate and shut out happens for them. My being a supporter am still learning how to not have my feelings present when dealing with this. My sufferer ended our relationship with an argument and then left me without a word of explanation of his needing to isolate, nor that I wouldn’t hear from him either for a while or forever. I have to explain from a supporters point of view, if we love you and support you as we say we do, this type of hurt is unexplainable. I understand that I shouldn’t take things personally, but it’s hard not to. I can’t believe that someone that claims to love you would be so callus and uncaring. Please understand by no means am I minimizing this type of illness, but I guess I still don’t understand. I’m currently giving space by not contacting him at all; and since he’s blocked me on social media, I can’t contact him there. So I’m saying all of this to say, I’m still completely lost on how to be more supportive and what more I can do? I welcome any nd all advice from sufferers and supporters alike.

Heartbreaking isn’t it :( happened to me.

 

[user47718]

Thank all sufferers for sharing your experiences. It's really helpful. When my sufferer disappeared, I was uninformed and had no context for it at all. I went through a series of emotions.

The first was disbelief. I trusted him. I know he loved me. He would never do something like that me. I'll hear from him.

Then the search for an alternative explanation. Did something happen? Is he hurt? Did he lose his phone, and that's why I can't get through to him? It sounds naive , but the mind just can't make sense of what is happening.

Then it became hurt and fear. I was wrong about him. He never really cared about me, It was all a lie. Feeling angry, which is really a cover-up for the fear. The fear that if I could be so wrong about someone, how could I trust myself and my own judgment?

Then rejection of that. I know it was real. There has to be some explanation. Messaging frantically, trying desperately to contact him through other means, without success. Needing some resolution for the overwhelming confusion. It's just irrational. Feelings of desperation for some explanation. Should I go to his house?

Then self-doubt. Did I do or say something wrong that caused him to flee? Was it my fault?

Then trying to fix it. If it was caused by something I said or did, then I should be able to fix it. More attempts to contact him, apologetic, showing empathy, trying to get some kind of response, some explanation.

Cycling through these emotions, endlessly. Until I learned more and understood that is wasn't about me.

Then came the grief. Hurting so much. The tragedy of such a beautiful person having to go through this, and most likely losing him, because there is nothing I can do, no action I can take to make it better. Trying to let go. More bargaining. What can I do or say to influence him to come back and talk to me? Nothing. It's all on him.

It takes a long time to get over. I've been through a number of break-ups of LTR's and a divorce. It may seem crazy, but none of them were as hard as the end of this brief relationship. Because the endings made sense. There was a deterioration of the relationship that signaled what was coming. There was an adult conversation and resolution. Acceptance that the connection just wasn't right.

With this, all I'm left with is the memory of this amazing love that seemed to be building toward something. The connection was right. He appeared to be trying to connect more deeply, giving signals of growing commitment. Excitement and hope for a great future. And then in a moment, he was just gone. It haunts me.

@Freida, thanks for starting this thread. I don't mean to minimize the pain you sufferers go through that causes you to do these things. There is a lot of pain on both sides.

That is my story right there pretty much ?

 

[Mumo]

That is my story right there pretty much ?

Don't be sad. He doesn't want you to be sad. He has to deal with stuff. You can't help him. I'm sorry, don't be sad.

 

[sadgirl]

That is my story right there pretty much ?

If it gives you hope, I did get back together with him. We've been together for almost a year now.

 

[KULawHawk]

I hate to say it, but in this day and age, ghosting is VERY common.

Her ghosting you may be less of a ptsd thing and more of a sign of the times thing.

And the younger you are? The more likely you are to ghost and/or be ghosted.

I just have to point this out as something that may actually have nothing to do with ptsd.

While there is some truth to this, I don't think the ghosting that goes on most of the time is the same thing.

It's one thing to just drop off someone after a few dates, or that you've been talking to for a short time.

At a point, a relationship matures to where abruptly disappearing, pulling a 180 and what happens when someone is symptomatic is VERY different.

I can promise you the 2 are very different.
Are there instances of people who are you not dealing with PTSD that pull this same abrupt disappearing act? Of course, but it's really not that common, but I would say worse, if someone is not in the middle of a traumatic flashback or something similar, then they're just cruel and don't care bc they fully understand what they are doing and how it affects the other person, and do it anyway.

Also, with coworkers- if she wasn't triggered, most people don't want their old relationships to be fodder for office politics and gossip. Unless something bad happened like a major betrayal, most want to keep it copacetic, and she's making it obvious that she's disassociated from him.


By the way, for everyone else: don't check exes social media unless you are a glutton for punishment. They're never going to post "I miss so-and-so, if only they would rescue me!".

The only thing you'll find is added anxiety and feeling worse about everything- including false assumptions and conclusions.

 

[KULawHawk]

Let me please express my humble gratitude for everyone who has shared their vulnerability, mistakes, breakthroughs, solutions, and experience with continuing to work on better managing PTSD & CPTSD within their own lives and the lives of those they love.

I have found the honest real-time accounts and what's going through your mind at the moment by sufferers so incredibly insightful, and it's probably been the most helpful way to get a salient better perspective on my ability to put myself in their shoes and allow me to adjust and react with compassion and empathy in a manner that is going to have a more positive impact instead of unknowingly being counterproductive.

While everyone is different in their own way, there is a nexus of general behaviors that a supporter would think without knowing to act one way, intending to be loving and supportive, but in fact are counterintuitive for what a sufferer needs or wants in the moment.

Part of the struggle I see is that so much unnecessary pain is added by assumption. The better sufferers can verbalize their viewpoint, the less it remains such as mystery, but part of the trouble of getting them to share is a fear of shame, blame, guilt, on top of the drive to get away so they can find a place where they feel safe. I know because I have issue with verbalizing in the moment when I feel triggered.

To Freida, and all the other sufferers that have articulated your own history and what is going on in your own head, I can't thank you enough for your invaluable insight! I urge everyone to continue to contribute, or add if you haven't before.
What may seem silly, obvious, or embarrassing, often reveals very valuable information and insight. Again, assumption is the biggest wedge sometimes in effective communication, but can make a world of difference.

To all the supporters, thank you also for your wisdom and sharing your experience with helping others to gain from your setbacks, successess, and tips when things seem so lost, confusing, and up in the air. The supporter seat is such anguish, and it's not the disappearing, it's the lack of knowing without any regard.

As someone who has CPTSD, but isn't a runner, and was dating someone with C/PTSD who recently and abruptly cut me off & ended things (?), even I was completely blindsided and devastated by how she suddenly became a very different person from the amazing, intelligent, thoughtful, sweet person who I was madly in love with.

It's particularly brutal when neither one was fully aware of what was going on, and particularly frustrating when everything you instinctively do to try and be understanding and supportive seems to be worthless or works against you.

I have copied so many things that people have posted just for myself for quick reference to better remind myself, and go about the business of grieving and moving forward. I have no clue if I will ever hear from her again, and I have not been trying to contact her for about 5 or 6 weeks.
The only thing I've done was on 2 occasions bought a book online and had it mailed to her. One was Pete Walker's Surviving to Thriving, and the other was Dr. van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score.

I'm guessing some will think that's inappropriate or presumptuous, but if she wants to be pissed at me for sending the books, I'll gladly trade her anger at me, even if it means she cuts me out forever, if it eventually means she finds answers and seeks treatment of her own choosing.
I, of course, would love if she returned, but I worry she's stubborn enough and able to compartmentalize how she feels that she won't even let herself entertain the idea of reconnecting with me. (?) I just know the longer it goes the less it feels like there's hope.

 

[Freida]

@KULawHawk
I'm so sorry you are in this spot-- I know (ok - have learned!) how hard it must be to wait and wonder. And I'm really happy this thread has helped!