General What are they thinking?

[Never_falter2]

@Justmehere Yeah, sure I can see reasons for not wanting to nanny him. I think it might not be good for his self esteem and it is also annoying for me... but I do not want him to suffer. Let’s take coming to bed for example. He has insominia and the tendency to never sleep enough when he is left on his own. He is a bit afraid of sleeping.
Something like this happens quite a few times:

Late at night. He is painting a picture or whatever... me: waiting, waiting, waiting, thinking “should I tell him it is time to come to bed?“. If I do not tell him he might not come before four o‘clock in the morning and might be tired to death the next day. If I do I am nannying him.

 

[Freida]

but I do not want him to suffer.

You can't stop this. Suffering is part of the recovery process. It comes with doing the work.

Right now you are giving him the perfect excuse to delay it. I mean, I would love for someone to take care of me, wait on me hand and foot, take over all my responsibilities, let me lay around in my pjs, pick up my dirty clothes, tell me when to go to sleep and when to get up and bring me food three times a day. Why wouldn't I? Sure, it may make me feel helpless and like a total loser at times but damn --- that's a small price to pay for not having to do anything for myself.

From where I sit he's got it made. I have a lot of the same symptoms he does but I have to deal with them. I have to be an adult and play in the real world. He doesn't. He has someone to be that buffer from reality and that's got to be pretty damn awesome for him. I don't mean that to be snarky. I mean it to give you a view from my side, as the sufferer, because it honestly makes me a bit jealous. I would swap places with him in a heartbeat.

But I would insist on paying you to be my maid/assistant/errand runner/dietician/nanny. Because that's what you are describing.

Here's what confuses me. You sound like you enjoy having this role in his life and if that is the kind of relationship that makes you happy than more power to you. Follow your heart and don't let anyone else tell you it's wrong.

But.
If you are happy being the nanny, why are you annoyed with how he behaves? You can't have it both ways. You can't treat him like a relatively intelligent 5 year old most of the time and then expect him to man up and take care of himself here and there
That's a huge mixed message.

I guess it comes down to you deciding --- Which version of him do you want?
Note that I'm not asking which is best for him
I'm asking which is best for YOU.

 

[Never_falter2]

? I already do have children and do not need an additional kid. Do I enjoy it? Not really, but I think he might need me. He is there when I need him, he takes responsibility for me and the kids and I feel it would be unfair if I just take and do not give when he seems to need me.
No, in all honesty, I would be happy if he would take some matters into his own hands (get my English here?). For example you say you have trouble sleeping too...
For him that’s really difficult. I think he is afraid of having to go to sleep and not only a bit (and maybe I have a thread about this one day). I am not sure how I would act if I felt the same about going to sleep. I mean it is really hard for him. Do you feel the same about going to sleep? What does your hubby do? What would you like him to do? How do you muster the strength to go to bed early?

BTW he picks up his dirty clothes and he doesn’t lay around in pjs all day long. In fact he works and he works a lot. I think you got a wrong picture.

 

[Chris-duck]

I am not sure how I would act if I felt the same about going to sleep. I mean it is really hard for him. Do you feel the same about going to sleep? What does your hubby do? What would you like him to do? How do you muster the strength to go to bed early?

I feel the same about going to sleep. And have nobody who is going to tell me to go sleep. What do I do? I sleep, or I don't. And I deal with it the next day whether working or not. If I'm exhausted and the day sucks cos I'm sleep deprived, I try to send myself to bed earlier the next night. I don't think there's any words of wisdom here that are gonna help tbh. There's really nothing you can do except sit back and still be there. But I know that's not the answer you want. So sorry.

 

[NaeNae75]

I also have had trouble sleeping my entire life. My trauma started in childhood. I cannot remember a time in my life I didn't have insomnia and nightmares. But it's all stuff no one else could deal with but me. Oddly enough, my vet has similar issues. There are a LOT of nights when we were still co-habitating that we would spend the night keeping each other up. But there is nothing either of us could do for the other. Now that we're in separate houses for now, we still both have sleep issues. It's super common, unfortunately.

For me, I took Prazosin for the nightmares for a while. It helped some, but I stopped seeing the Dr. that prescribed it and I hate medications. Now, if I want any chance, I have to start my bedtime sequence about an hour before I want to sleep. I take 5HTP (an alternative supplement that has helped) and make sure I have vitamin B6 in the morning. I have a cup of tea and stop looking at any screens. At bed time I put my headphones in and have a guided sleep meditation on youtube on. I meditate until I fall asleep. It's the only thing that comes close to helping me.

As for K....well, he knows what I do, but he does his own thing. I don't get involved unless he asks. This is another place where too much caffeine during the day comes into play. I have 2 cups of coffee in the morning at MOST. I have ZERO caffeine after 12 noon. He guzzles it (energy drinks) until whenever...even late at night. Again, not a darn thing I can do to change any of that for him...if he's tired...well, then that's on him.

I have a couple of books that I'd like to recommend for you, if you'd like. They have to do with learning how to change your life by handling your own things instead of "fixing" for everyone else.

 

[Never_falter2]

What is it with vitamin b6?

Would be nice if you could recommend the books (and I decide if I read them and if if do as they suggest).

I do not think that I have issues that endanger my health. I had trauma in my life... but... I am not sure if is it right to talk about this here... I feel it is a trauma I cannot all about because it does not fit the conventional narrative and whenever I do I feel like people do not believe me anyway.

See, I was born in a communist country and my family has been through traumatic things. However communism ended when I was pretty young. When I was in school some people picked on me made fun of my accent and my clothes and my social class (but it was a posh accent they made fun of and my social class was higher than theirs). I was raped but not by privileged white men.
So I often do feel like this is nothing I can talk about.

There is much of reporting on a „“rape crisis“ by the media of my country nowadays. It often hurts my feelings when friends of mine make fun of “scaremongering“ - as they call it.

Sometimes I get wolf whistled by groups of youth.
A while ago we talked about the media and a few of us made fun of the “scaremongering“ because they think it does not really happen... was just made up by the media. Then I plucked up my courage and told them I was wolf whistled. Well, one Individuum I know really well said “So? I know many women and it happened to none of them and they are more beautiful than you are“. As if I made it up and als calling me ugly. Nice. So I did not say anything anymore.

My vet knows it and he believes me and he has been very gentle and very lovely and supportive with me.

 

[NaeNae75]

B6 is a supplement...a vitamin. Some of the books I would suggest for you would include Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, Conscious Loving or Conscious Living by Gay Hendricks, The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship by Diane Englund, When Someone you Love Suffers from Post Traumatic Stress: What to Expect and What You Can Do by Claudia Zayfert, pretty much anything by Brene Brown, I know that there are other books I can't think of right now, but these aren't too bad to start with. They will help you learn to deal with the things you're going through, set boundaries, and know that you will drive yourself crazy trying to control anyone other than yourself.

 

[Freida]

I feel it would be unfair if I just take and do not give when he seems to need me.

this is true. But when he takes care of you what does that look like? Are you a couple caring for each other or are you taking care of him and he does the minimum he can get away with to take care of you?

Do you feel the same about going to sleep? What does your hubby do? What would you like him to do? How do you muster the strength to go to bed early?

I had nightmares and insomnia for years. So I did something about it. I went to counseling, I go the right medications, I dealt with the problem. Hubby can remind me I'm safe but he can't help me get to sleep. And when I have issues with insomnia, which I still do, I don't look to him to solve it for me

BTW he picks up his dirty clothes and he doesn’t lay around in pjs all day long. In fact he works and he works a lot. I think you got a wrong picture.

this makes me feel much better! :hug:

I think it may be hard for me to understand because I'm at a different place than your guy. That doesn't mean better or worse, just different. I think I'm just far enough ahead of him that it makes me feel like he is letting you do the work for him so he won't have to feel the pain that goes with it. But that's not going to work. He has to take this journey on his own. You can walk along with him, but it is up to him to complete it when he's ready.

How can you help? I don't think you can right now. Not until he is ready to do the work. Which sucks for both of you. :hug:

 

[Abstract]

me: waiting, waiting, waiting, thinking “should I tell him it is time to come to bed?“. If I do not tell him he might not come before four o‘clock in the morning and might be tired to death the next day. If I do I am nannying him.

I would say this is definitely nannying and stepping on boundaries. He is an adult man and that means he really does need to make decisions himself. And he as an adult will deal with the consequences. Only children need to have someone else weight up consequences of actions and take responsibility for both. Its also a bit pointless and means you sit there without sleep worrying and to absolutely no avail. It inevitably will add to what he is dealing with rather than decrease it and it messes around with your state of mind. I know you care and are trying to do the right thing.

 

[grimalkin]

@Never_falter2 It sounds as if you've had enough invalidation in your life. One thing I've learned is don't play trauma (or suffering) olympics. It's certainly not a competition. I mention this because that is one thing I can't talk to my own sufferer about - he thinks because i haven't had it as "bad" as him, I can't possibly have suffered in my life, and I haven't had any trauma that needs healing. It's taken me 2 years of therapy, so far, and more to come, to finally get past that idea, and realize that, no, I deserve to heal, myself.

I think one of the hardest things in my own relationship was having to let go, let him walk away, and let him deal with his own life, on his terms. And realize that I have to do the same. I still get terrified of growing old alone. But, well, at least it's made me more aware of, and grateful for, my state job pension. ?

But having to let go, with full knowledge that someone I love is going to fall completely on his ass, and it's not up to me to catch him? And not only that, but that I have to catch myself, because I'm suddenly thrown out of the equation. Sucks. Big time. But I also realize, in retrospect, how emasculated he felt having me do too much for him, because I didn't want him to hurt.

I think I had a point. Something about reiterating that as adults, we all have to live with the consequences of our actions. Being sheltered from them just doesn't work. I think even if we were to go back and read some of my first posts here, I was very much on the "it affects me too, and so if he can't take into consideration how his actions affect me, I have to do it for him" mindset. That just doesn't work.

In a completely DIFFERENT note, is it bad I used to add 5 hour energy (berry flavor) to the Mt. Dew energy drink (also berry), over ice, and guzzle that? >.> I am sometimes surprised I'm still alive...Now I'm just on the coffee, and while my doc wants me to give that up, she can pry it from my cold, dead hands.

On the up side, the last 3 weeks I have consistently been getting 8 hours of good sleep. This is the first time in, well, most of my life, and I am completely amazed how much of a difference it's made. Like, I knew sleep is important. But this is the first time that I've FELT the difference. :D

 

[Abstract]

whenever

So sorry these happened to you and that you experienced that response.

 

[Never_falter2]

this is true. But when he takes care of you what does that look like? Are you a couple caring for each other or are you taking care of him and he does the minimum he can get away with to take care of you?

I think we lead a traditional marriage. I do not work. I am a homemaker. Vet works his ass off so that the kids and me have a good life, works in a job he does not like very much. He pays a cleaner as well as cleans the house, irons and folds the laundry. He brings me flowers and pralines... and he writes love songs for me ❤❤❤ He is typically not the talk-about-feelings-type.
He is a bit overprotective of me (because of his hypervigilance).

Vet does not nanny me, make me eat right, make me come to bed or whatever... but in all honesty I do not think I need being nannied there.

So it’s give and take but only I nanny him and he doesn’t nanny me but then I do not need nannying.