Thankyou so much rain, and intothelight, for the encouraging and understanding words.
I feel the same way rain. I sent her the card for me, and whatever her reaction is that's her business. I felt good giving it,knowing that I kept it simple and did not go into any of the past, just said the basics, that I was thinking of her and hoped she was well. It did alleviate the guilt...and that might sound selfish, my motivations for sending her an e-card (doesn't waste paper);) were two fold...to feel better and to let her know that I hadn't forgotten about her. She's an older lady now and as much as I know it's the right thing for me to do, if it were me, and my child had cut me out of her life, I would feel terrible.
My email account said that she received the card today. I didn't expect any sort of reply...and that's ok.
What messes with my head the most is the memory of my brother telling me that I've always held onto the past to things which were "petty" (in his mind). I told him that they may have been petty to him and dad, but they weren't to me...those things just my feelings a lot at the time, and left scars and changed the way I perceived my primary caregivers...forever. That isn't nothing, right?
Just another invalidation and being punished for speaking my truth and not pretending that it was all loving brady bunch stuff, like they all seem to. Sure, I didn't cop it as bad as many here did, but it was still very hirtful and damaging to me, psychologically and emotionally.
I never thought anything could hurt so much as this. It's the hardest thing in the world to do I'm sure, bar maybe burying your own child (thank god that has never happened to me, and it looks like it never will unless I adopt at some stage??)
I do feel better today, and had a wonderful day at class, although it has been emotionally very taxing, and I feel like I am low on energy, and a bit...meh...just a bit exhausted I guess...and dry or something? Dry in the face...noticing more and more my skin losing it's elasticity each day. More and more I am recognizing my age, wrinkles etc. It's ok, but the low energy is something that feels a bit unpleasant to deal with.
A woman I know who cut ties from her family many years ago, suggested to me that I change my name as a way of making it easier to seperate from them. I can see the logic in this, but it's still hard to let go of my family name. It feels like a betrayal of sorts. Might sound nuts I guess?
I would like to change my name here, if I could, to luci bloom. It's a name I resonate with, but have not quite been able to fully make the transition to as yet, in other accounts I have, or in my real life with friends in melbourne.
I might do it here though...it feels right and kinda relaxes something in me when I type it out here, and think about it. Creating a new identity that supports me and is a name I choose, not just one that was given to me.
