Feeling hopeless- It's never going to end is it? I'm tired of my biceps hurting, my face getting slapped, my left shoulder getting hit, getting whiplash in my neck from the shaking I was given, the adults voices in my head, the kids voices in my head, having to stand in a corner, being told by my parents I'm a baby every time I have a flashback and cry in front of my parents- I'm at the point now where I just numb everything, everything falls on deaf ears with them, so I just stare blankly at them, haven't really spoken to them (I've been really quiet the past week.) and I'm just hopeless and this is never going to get better, because I have no support.
Feeling numb- Let me put it this way. In my brain, I always think of like the monitor on medical T.V shows, when I'm numb, the line goes flat, and the monitor goes "beep. beep. beep." and my feelings are numb and dead, just like the patients on the shows.
Feeling small. I'm not being heard, I'm feeling like a punching bag, and an object which has no emotions or actions, and I'm basically just there to serve as a stand in for whomever needs it. My mother needs someone to talk about and try to live her life over again? Here I am Mom, tell me again how pretty I'd look if I did my make up, as if I'm not starving myself already trying to get the perfect body. My dad needs someone to talk to about his day and give him affection? Here I am Dad, I'm glad your presentation went well at work, and here's the hug you asked for. I love you too Dad. My brother needs someone to distract my mother and make him forget that he hasn't done his homework or gotten a shower yet even though it's eight o clock at night? Sure Ryan, I'll watch two episodes of Lost with you, even though I was planning to watch Titanic. What about me? When are you guys going to ask how my day was, or give me a hug or compliment me in a way that's not awful, "You're beautiful" (Have you noticed yet Mom that I'm eating less and exercising more and losing weight?) is NOT a compliment Mommy Dearest, it's something that I automatically shake my head at. Daddy, please stop yelling at Ryan, he's just acting as a normal reclusive teenager, there's nothing wrong with him wanting to talk to his friends more than his family- don't forget that I'm in the next bedroom, and that I'm scared by the lecture and yelling- I silently scream and I flinch every time. Ryan, I need time to myself at night, it's really important after my energy has been completely drained from having to listen to lectures and deal with flashbacks. I know you all think I'm "obsessive" if I try to talk about things, but it's because I'm not being heard that I need to repeat things. You don't listen, and I really desperately need someone to. I don't want to see my psychiatrist and my counsellor, they retraumatized me. I don't want to go to some therapy for my hands, my hands aren't weak, it's just that I can't remember how to cut my food. I'm not "wailing" for attention, I don't even know I'm doing it. I just want to be heard.
I'm feeling lonely-I'm alone, a faceless mask in a sea of happy faces.
