I feel humiliated. I also feel disillusioned now. I thought I was doing so well, and I was even imagining that it might be possible for me to someday go back to work in my field.
I had a doctor's appointment today and a nurse I never saw before, was asking me questions. It was only me and her in the exam room. She asked me something about my one medication and I started to answer her, but she interrupted to ask how long I had been on it. I was going to tell her, but I tried to finish my sentence so I could keep my train of thought - then she interrupted me again, with, "How LONG??", said very sharply. I stopped and answered her, but I was so angry with her rudeness and authoritative manner. I felt like dirt. But I didn't say or do anything.
Next, she hooked me up to the blood pressure machine, and it was pumping up the cuff on my arm, stopping, deflating...pumping more, stopping, and so on. I knew that it meant my pressure was high. I asked her and it was 148/100, which is pretty high, and usually it is under better control.
I said that I knew why it was that high - because she had spoken sharply to me. Of course, she couldn't imagine how she had, so I explained it further. I was able to stay calm as I did; kind of matter-of-fact. She still didn't acknowledge it, and when she left the room (that's when it always happens) I burst into tears and although I was able to stop, I didn't think I would be able to. I'm sure she could tell I had been crying when I passed her on the way out.
No matter how many times this has happened, all through my life, and despite 2 decades of therapy, it never goes away. It has only become worse, in that it takes less and less to set me off.
I'm sooo disappointed in myself, and I feel hopeless about ever getting better. I just want to be normal. Suggestions wecome.
