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Feeling like all the effort I can muster to do the right or best I can, to complete what is expected of me, to move forward is nothing compared to the :poop: that sends me backwards. Feeling like my shovel just isn't big enough to keep up.
Sad, depressed, frustrated, angry, without hope :(:cry:
Today was suppose to be better and instead it has been worse. Feeling defeated. :depressed::notworthy:
Feeling joy and sometimes when I notice the pain is gone, I also notice a empty space where pain once sat. I think I will fill it with spirituality and prayer for some direction.
Update to the last post: I'm feeling miserable. I'm finally crying and I'm all alone on my flat. The only person I can call when I'm hyperventilating and crying is at some friends' place. I texted her "Help" and she called back...but still I can't calm down. I'm feeling so unworthy. I haven't cried like this for months....and it's like everything is coming to the surface now...that's why I was so scared of working less. The pressure kept me together...and now I'm sitting here all weak, alone and ...can't stoy crying.
I am pretty depressed according to my psychiatrist. I didn't think I was depressed. She said I am ruminating and so emotional and teary. She doesn't want to touch my medication, given what happened last year that is wise. So she says diet and exercise.
When I got very upset yesterday I went and walked 7-8kms. So that was good.
I came back and got totally overwhelmed and I needed to have a space then as well. I need to limit my time with Papa Bear - I just find it so hard.
I didn't attempt suicide this week, which whilst a sad achievement in some ways, was a bloody brilliant accomplishment in others.