Grateful for gardening outside.
Grateful for B.
Grateful that we kept wearing masks so it doesn't matter that someone with Covid19 was near us.
Grateful for online Sanghas.
Grateful for a little bit of space in my head.
I am grateful for having time off work
I am grateful for celebrating Christmas with my sisters family
I am grateful that I am not suffering in the now, I suffer about the past and the fear of the future
I am grateful for every single word I write here
I am grateful for every word everyone writes here, it helps the world to be a little better
I am grateful that I can grieve my traumas
I am grateful that my confusion around parts is something that I can work on
I am grateful that I can pay for therapy
I am grateful that I wrote in a physical diary
I am grateful that I am excited about potentially buying an inflatable kayak
I am grateful that I have friends
wife children grandchildren dogs home job cars and trucks and boats and financial security.
And as of a month ago, new ears! Hearing loss is a wedge between you and many people that may have frustration trying to communicate with you. I had forgotten this as my hearing faded, I forgot what it was like to be able to clearly hear someone while a sufferer of hearing loss could not and had to ask for repeats-what? what? I admit it would make it easy to just pass the information along to someone that was easier to talk to and leave the afflicted to their own uninformed world. That was wrong. But it happens.
I can hear now with great clarity and will be aware of people that cannot and try not to exclude them because I don't want to raise my voice or take the time to get closer (6').
This year, I tried to do more for others during the holiday.....to get through the holidays. My mother-in-law whose recently been put in a nursing home and has lived with family all her life to age 99 and w covid numbers rising, now can only have window visits.....no hugs, and no outdoor visits ...... just a f2f window visit with a phone. She's a very old woman with her wits, she said sadly, "I guess you and the girls-(referring to my music group friends in their 60-80s -we've been doing nursing home gigs for years at the holiday).......won't be able to play Christmas music here". Now, her nursing home would have been on the list if we were doing nursing home gigs but covid prevented us from even getting together for the last 9-10 months.... I felt so bad for her, and other family hadn't been to visit during the holiday week... and I said, "I'd see what I could do to get her some music...but no promises." Was able to roust up best friend, a violinist, and another musician, who each brought their spouses/partners and another player, so there was a mini choir with a couple of instruments, standing outside her window singing/playing. At 99, on lockdown, with two staff members tested positive for covid, she had a broad smile on her face when we played and sang, She had her own personal musicians. She loved the music even though she wasn't allowed to crack her window and listen and had to listen to it on the phone. I think more than anything, someone showed to visit.....someone cared. That's all I ever wanted the people I called family to do.....care. I totally get it....so her desire for some Christmas wasn't something I could ignore because of my holiday anxiety....which was really high. This was the first year I've stayed home in 3 years on the holiday.....in this new home of mine......and plans to go away as usual to NY to see close friends had caved.....
While I spent two days prior all up in some serious anxiety, because I've lost my singing voice with this PTSD and hadn't practiced the recorder for 10 months.....I was feeling really not prepared and worried the whole time that I'd ruin it.....but in this case.....I had to do it because I walked away from my window visit in tears,,,,I felt so bad for her being in lockdown....being so old...so old she might not see another Christmas.
I think the fact that I love this woman helped me to move through it........ and two days later, I realized she didn't care about my lousy singing....or the few notes I missed when playing Xmas carols, she only cared that I showed up. Climbing out of myself and just deciding to do it....regardless of whatever outcome is better than sitting home projecting the worst.......... and while I spent the two days prior to bringing the musicians to play/sing for her, .....I spent it mostly in bed with tons of anxiety......a lot of that was exacerbated by my projections of failure....worries of screwing it up.
My friends went home, and I got messages from them thanking me for asking them for their help......that they were glad they helped out.....it reminded them of the true meaning of Christmas. So, I'm grateful for my friends who changed their holiday plans to bring a little cheer to someone I care about.