What Are You Recovering For?

[ground crew]

relationships? I am not sure when I will be able to do that again. One of my exes tried to kill me, no, I was not having a Tiger Woods moment, she was crazier than me-an equally tall tell but true. The other one has used her law degree to demolish anything of meaning or value in my life (only about a 50% overstatement, I did some of the destruction myself) so trust was an issue before the crazy lady with a knife incident. I am on a date site, but have yet to get a response. I go to meet ups but nothing sparks, I am the observer ya know.... so even if I was ready, I am really bad at dating... maybe someday.....

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

I was reading everyone's' explanations and came to my conclusion to show this to my ex family: The best revenge is living well.

Enough said.

 

[Behati]

Sometimes I don't really know what I'm recovering for. I actually don't know... I really enjoyed living before my trauma came about so I guess I'd like to get back to that point. I'm only in my early twenties so I get frustrated about 'recovery', especially when it is very slow... I sit there thinking "is my entire life going to feel like a daunting and scary dream from now on?'
So I guess maybe I'm having a go at recovery to see how things turn out...

 

[Tinyflame]

@Behati , I think it's especially good you are getting an early start :tup: . I think that may enable you to have an even better future. :)

I think I've been going about this the wrong way for myself, (I did not get an early start on the real issues), & I've placed too much emphasis on working at & waiting for (what I consider) sufficient & necessary recovery (which tends to get me down, baby steps after all), whereas I *may* be able to make some use of where I'm currently at instead, in a way that's consistent with my personality & nature, even my limitations. (More consistent with my heart.). I will have to see/ ask. I suspect it could actually encourage recovery. Simply because too it doesn't require a focus on it but rather a 'usefulness' for it. For me that would be sufficient purpose, I'd be happy.

I have a faint inkling (if this is so) of 'why' or 'how' my life/ ptsd could be of use, just 'as is'. Why it makes sense. No matter what stage of recovery I'm at, or what occurs in the future. That reduces my fears.

 

[Owl.]

Wow, something I've actually got an answer for, because it's been years in the making since my doc first asked me the same thing!
Scary thing, that...

First and foremost: I'm recovering for the girl I remember. The girl whose back finally broke like that of the proverbial camel when that last straw was added to the pile.
She's in there somewhere, I know she is, and I want her to breathe freely again one day.

I'm recovering to stick it to those who brought all that straw into this particular camel's life.

I'm recovering for those who could not.

I'm recovering for those select few I want to be the best version of me I can possibly be for. Those who believe I can do this. The people I want to prove right.

And, no use denying, there's "my vet", who actually falls into that last category already, but deserves his own point because he needs someone to prove to him that recovery is possible, and no matter what may happen to "us" in the future, whether it's what he believes, what I'm afraid of, or something in between, if I can be his vanguard on this godawful, dark path, I bloody well WILL be.

All that, plus that deep and burning desire to out-stubborn the Beast.
It may be running me ragged some (many!) days, but it's gotta run out of steam eventually, and when it does, I want to be in a place from where I can pounce. I'm the one keeping my mind alive, it's NOT going to control me forever, and if any part of my subcon truly thinks otherwise, it's sadly mistaken. :cautious::shifty::cautious::sneaky:

 

[Behati]

Thank you @Junebug - reading your reply really gave me comfort today :hug:

I have a faint inkling (if this is so) of 'why' or 'how' my life/ ptsd could be of use, just 'as is'. Why it makes sense.

- I felt inspired when i read this part of your reply. Maybe this is an important part of acceptance and healing.

Thank you again!

 

[Eternum]

I saw this post in an email of last week's most popular posts. Congrats! :x3:

I respond out of the sense of realizing this thread has prompted me to think of something I haven't really thought of. I've had undiagnosed PTSD most of my life. Everyone around me disregarded it. It was simply a requirement to function, no matter what, because when I didn't my life became far worse.

Even in 2007, when I was in therapy for other things and this got brought up, I can look back and see the importance of it didn't really sink in for me personally. It was just another problem amongst a stack of them I needed to manage. I built a sense of safety and familiarity, moved on.

But now?

I think it just comes from a sheer desire for freedom. All my life I have had people on the outside either controlling or trying very hard to control my life while emotions I never understood controlled me from the inside. My real self would feel like the rope in a Tug of War game sometimes, or feel like the referee trying desperately to hold back all these emotions that wanted to lash out and hit everybody else. It's beyond exhausting. I got to taste what it was like for a normal person when my symptoms were manageable by mindsets.

In essence, I want my mind back.

Yes, I want to help others. Yes, I would love to save others. But I would like to do so with a psyche that is finally unlocked.

 

[Skylynx]

Not trying to recover...just want to be with T.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I frame my journey as one of treatment vs. recovery. This may be due to my alcoholism. There is no cure, but with daily or even minute to minute treatment, life can be good. I see therapy as treatment for my enduring self destructive tendencies.? Treatment for my dissociative way of living with stress. But without a doubt, my guiding lights are my children. I want to be the best I can be to help them. I want to be a positive role model for them. They know that I struggle and they avoid me, but I get heartfelt messages from them how much I have inspired them. And, I don't want to be suicidal. I feel like hoping to recover is asking too much. Hoping to have moments of clarity and calm is enough for now. I have much work ahead of me regarding integration and I know it's so difficult, but the payoff is going to be worth it.

 

[InvisibleSun]

Getting better because PTSD is awful to endure is a really good reason. For me, I need other reasons. Maybe it's because I am so sick of myself...

This pretty much so sums it up...I'm completely sick of myself. I feel tired and old before my time. I'm unhappy with the life I'm living, who I've become, and the time and energy I've wasted. I want a better life for myself and the man that I love. I want to be able to love him and to feel his love so that I can one day be the wife that I know he deserves. I want children, but I know that isn't possible when I can't get my shit together. And I refuse to bring another life into this world if I am incapable of providing the best I possibly can for them spiritually, emotionally, and financially. I want to thrive for the first time in my entire life..instead of struggling to survive. And I don't want to be afraid anymore. I just want to be free..and I know that if I don't get the help that I need now I will always be a prisoner..

 

[fellowsufferer]

I feel like i'am recovering from depression and anxiety, in the aftermath of childhood trauma. It has been a lifelong struggle and it still is at this moment!! I keep on going because there are still people, who love me. I have a strong feeling there is much more potential, but it doesn't show. So, i have to push harder, in the RIGHT way!!

 

[Changing4Best]

I have been told so many times that I should write a book about my homeless days from Arp 22 2002 to Aug 18 2004. So I am preparing to do just that. I am well enough past it and healed from it that I can share it with the world. I even bought a book about how to write a memoir from amazon. I am waiting for it to arrive in the mail.