I also have done some stuff, particularly during teen yrs when its for self preservation from parents. I understand others thoughts though. Right now I am having some really bad thoughts. Since I am not acting on them, I havent done anything. I dont want to hurt others though, although it has crossed my mind in the past when at my most frustrated. I am afraid right now. I have been abused so much and by so many different people in so many ways, I vascilate between anger and self loathing and believing that I must be so defective that I deserve it. Even my therapist said that I have a generational curse on me from my fathers side and it goes back genereations, and that I need to know find out how to break it. Well I dont f…ing know how. I have enough day to day problems to figure out. It has been 7 yrs since a cop said I was someone else and used excessive force in arresting me for not letting some man in my bedroom to help himself to my belongings.
I married high school sweet heart at 17 and had daughter. He was bi polar, addicted, and abusive. I survived 7 yrs and got out but not without baggage. Our daughter was negatively affected.I stayed home with baby while bi polar husband partied and then beat me. When I got away from him, daughter was 7 and her abuse took over for him even at that early age. She did not beat me, but she did things like get the mail before I got home from work, opened letters, read and hid them, which I found. There were times when she was about 12 or 13, and I wished that the bus would break down and give me an extra hour of peace. She grew up to be bi polar and BPD, a resourceful criminal. She stole cigarettes and sold them for a living. She shop lifted regularly. She had 2 kids with one man and I distanced myself and my 2 young daughter srom her, one of which she rolled off the bed on purpose when baby was only 4 months old. Her first 2 kids are psycho. One likely a sociopath, the second now 18, mentally disabled from abuse. My daughter told me she had no patience and would smadh her head through drywall. Then she got arrestde (many times) . I think she is a cleptomaniac. I never bailed her out, I practiced tough love. she abused drugs, stpd adovan frpm mu motjer. I told her that if she eve did such to me, I would have her arrested, but when the day came and I caught her red handed stealing bout 10 of my pain pills I didnt have her arrested.( she was on parole just released from prison and I didnt want to see her go back.I had costody of her 7 yr old for a year, and she refused to take her so I could have ay free time. I wanted her safe, she was the only one I thought I could help because the dead beat dad was in prison.
I would not let my college age daughter drive older daughter because fear of her having drugs on her. her or because of something happening to ruin her future. I did not get close to the first 2 grand kids, I feared that I would see something I would have to report and wanted calm environment to raise my other 2 daughter is. Then she hooked up with another looser. They had a baby and she died at 4 months of SIDS. The police investigated and threatened because drugs were found in the house and the story did not add up. I made funeral arrangements but still stayed distant. The cops would not tell me what was going on, (Im sure they believed I would stick up for my daughter) but I wouldnt. After all this publicity, the autopsy clearerd her. Then she got pregnant again with a molar pregnancy and had to abort. The baby daddy was being sent to prison for shooting a drug dealer in the stomach but my daughter managed to get pregnant again first. I went to deliver with her for c section.while the two of them and another coupld were on a binge. She got ;regnant before he was sentenced. He went to jail for about 8-9 yrs. I was their for baby delivery, which left me very attached. When baby was 3, daddys step father molested her and he confessed to state police, and also another child under age 5. I wanted to kill him-that is thoughts that were momentary and never carried out and passed. I ended up close with this grand child. He got 90 days in jail after farming season was over (he was a farmer). While my grandaughters daddy was in prison for shooting drug dealer, my daughter went off on self medicated drug binge (addicted to pain meds and xanax) and with 3 others in a car. The two guys told the female driver to stop (my daughter stoned in back seat) and the guys got out and mugged an old lady in daylight. She held fast to her purse and was knocked down. The other 3 people got up to 80 yrs in jail because the attacked and one was driver. My daughter went to prison and was paroled after 1 yr.
I remarried and had 2 more daugthers. He was not abusive, he showed no emotion and ignored me, which I guess I liked after the beating and other abuse with the first husband.
As I got healthier, I wanted more from a relationship and he was an absent husband, because he was raised by control freaks himself. We were never really a couple, we bought homes together, had kids together, and I had the traditional role, which maybe was good for me. I learned who I really am. As a husband, he was inept at most everything. He could not pick up milk without a 10 minute instruction period. He worked and provided financially, he played with kids. But he ignored me most of the time. I thought if I loved him enough, I would eventually get affection in return. I never did. We never snuggled and watched a movie even though I yearned to be held. If I ever complained in the slightest, he said "well one of us have to work", yet he refused to help me to go to work, letting me know that everything would still be my responsibility. I was frusrtated and angry at the same time. He gave me all the freedom and never asked where I was or showed any interest in my life. He let me do whatever I wanted (almost). He worked, and I did EVERYTHING else, except take out the trash and cut grass. He let me chose what was for dinner and stuff, and he chose where we would live and what cars we would drive. He was extremely stubborn. I was hurt.He was passive aggressive. Would lock me out if I went to store at night.
Sex was non existant or bad at best. He had no interest. I could not count on him for anything. I did almost all maintainance on house. I sanded floors and did al the painting on a 100 yr old money pit. After 17 yrs we seperatd. He moved in with his mother in a small house where there was not room for our daughters, so I had them 24/7 and 365. When our daughter had a flat tire, it was my responsibility. I was in grad school and make little money part time. I wanted to sell the house so we could live a bit more comfortable as we were financially over our head together, apart it was deprivation. I often did not eat to feed my kids. I went thru grad school and got a 3.9 with no working computer and often no book. I was on suspension for non payment a couple times. He refused to let me sell house saying it would upset kids. So he paid mortgage and utilities and I paid for food, clothing, cars, gas, pets, household, etc. for kids and to maintain home. He claimed it as alimony so I had to pay tax on it, but I had no liquid cash to pay tax federal or state. He told kids they didnt have to follow my rules, or do house chores. The house was 1909 and things always breaking, like plumbing over living room. I began dating. They all hated that and one teen became very rebellous. I stayed calm for long time. Then I began being stalked-it was my boyfriend who wanted to move in to protect me. He had been our marraige counselor (husband never showed up for appointments). He was a therapist and kids held this against me as thier father played "poor me". For awhile, relationship was good, considering I never went on a date with my husband more than 4 times in 17 yrs, and now regular dinner out, concerts, short vacations, getting flowers, etc. Kids resented though. Kids were 13 and 15 when we seperated. !5 yr old was verbally abusive and mean as a snake. She sabatoged my attempts at a good life. Refused to let me date, deleted my grad school papers from family computer, etc. Just before she graduated high school, I fell and was injured bad. Had TBI. at times. I had already stopped dating my stalker. The injury I had left me with broken rib and partial pneumothorax. I never missed work because I could not afford to. Gave her a big grad party same week as fall. She refused to help, after all , daddy said no housework for his girls. She got big scholarships to go and do anything she wanted, so she told me she would not follow house rules such as curfew and to F off and moved out for summer before college.She said she did not want an injured mother in pain with a brain injury and wasnt putting up with it, and she didnt need me as she got a free ride to college. I was heartbroke. She lost that scholarship by end of first year. She lost $8000 per year for next 3 years. Since she was my dependent, I had to make work and financial choices to get her through school, or so I thought. I should have let her figure it out.
With a head injury and broken rib and financial struggles, a millionaire drunk took a real liking to me. It was a friendship. He was asking for help with parenting as he had not experience. He was asking me to help him decorate and #00K house he paid cash for and had unlimited funds. He was generous to me. It was a distraction from my problems. We briefly became intimate but I discovered his AA meetings were a front and he was relapsing and mean. When I tried to end things, he used his power to punish me. He created so much drama. I worked for domestic violence as a licensed counselor. He harrassed clients leaving the building, had a woman make phone calls to my employer (who knew it was lies), made scenes and acquisations. He had been to prison for 3 dui convictions, and got off of another 10 or so due to family money. I made this mistake and am responsible. It was hard cutting off contact because I had injuries, lost much of my income, and he helped in that area. Meanwhile, my youngest daughter age 16-17 had a first boyfriend who was Mormon, but had serious psychiatric issues. I did not understand how brain washed she was until this drunk had to leave me alone due to threats against my life and a dui that sent him back to prison. By this time, my daughter couldnt be helped. She was fully brainwashed. She was 18 and married this psycho and her father sister or I were not invited to wedding. She had no contact upon his request. I had been abusing alcohol to cope with this drunk millionaaire who drug me in court every week, harrassed friends, even requested custody of my 18 yr old daughter. He had money to play with, and was breaking me with legal costs. He had my daughters car set on fire, buring it to ground along with her flute and other personal belongings. It was almost 2 yrs of constant distraction due to my bad choice. I vowed to never date again. The girls father was inept in helping. All he did was work.
After my baby ran off with the mormon, David kept trying to comfort me and we ended up dating. He lived in another city with his mother. He also wanted to contol my life. My college daughter encouraged me to date until he was around too much, then they became jelous of my time. When I told him he had to go home, he called the police and lied. He left this man, who was armed with guns in my home with my 20 yr old daughter. It broke the camels back. The cop drug me out in pajamas that exposed me in the winter and cold. He ripped by arms, causing a rotator cuff tear and 2 surgeries since. Slammed my head. I already had 3 herniated discs in meck. Took me to alley with men laughing, they were paramedics who took me 2 blocks to hospital. I died that day in December. I have a lawsuit agains police and attorney who took case and let statute expire, was disciplined and found guilty by Bar association.
I have exposed my kids to people that I wish I would not have, both boyfriends and even female relatives. I have always tried to be reasonable but it does not work with unreasonable people. Our old emotions play a role. I guess it is my childhood neglect and then a neglectful husband that has led me to men who want to do things for me and make me feel a bit important, but in the end,. She grew up to be bi polar and BPD, a resourceful criminal. She stole cigarettes and sold them for a living. She shop lifted regularly. She had 2 kids with one man and I distanced myself and my 2 young daughter from her, one of which she rolled off the bed on purpose when baby was only 4 months old. Her first 2 kids are psycho. One likely a sociopath, the second now 18, mentally disabled from abuse. My daughter told me she had no patience and would smash her older daughters head through drywall. She is now 18, been mentally challenged and hospitalized in juvevile treatment for periods, and at 16 became a prostitte and still is. Daighter arrested may times for stealing.). I think she is a cleptomaniac. I never bailed her out, I practiced tough love. she abused drugs, stpd adovan frpm my mother. I told her that if she ever did such to me, I wopi;d jave jer arrested, but when the day came and I caught her red handed stealing bout 10 of my pain pills I didnt have her arrested.( she was on parole just released from prison and I didnt want to see her go back. I would not let my college age daughter drive her because of something happening to ruin her future. I did not get close to the first 2 grand kids, I feared that I would see something I would have to report and wanted calm environment to raise my other 2 daughter is. Then she hooked up with another looser. They had a baby and she died at 4 months of SIDS. The police investigated and threatened because drugs were found in the house and the story did not add up. I made funeral arrangements but still stayed distant. The cops would not tell me what was going on, (Im sure they believed I would stick up for my daughter) but I wouldnt. After all this publicity, the autopsy clearerd her. Then she got pregnant again with a molar pregnancy and had to abort. The baby daddy was being sent to prison for shooting a drug dealer in the stomach but my daughter managed to get pregnant again first. I went to deliver with her for c section.while the two of them and another coupld were on a binge. She got ;regnant before he was sentenced. He went to jail for about 8-9 yrs. I was their for baby delivery, which left me very attached. When baby was 3, daddys step father molested her and he confessed to state police, and also another child under age 5. I wanted to kill him-that is thoughts that were momentary and never carried out and passed. I ended up close with this grand child. He got 90 days in jail after farming season was over (he was a farmer). While my grandaughters daddy was in prison for shooting drug dealer, my daughter went off on self medicated drug binge (addicted to pain meds and xanax) and with 3 others in a car. The two guys told the female driver to stop (my daughter stoned in back seat) and the guys got out and mugged an old lady in daylight. She held fast to her purse and was knocked down. She got off easy because she did not know they were planning but she did not report either. I also think that my friendship with prosecutor gave her a break. While in prison is when I was assaulted by cop, who has been charge with simillar and is currently being tried for abusing girlfriend in front of kids and putting gun to her head just like he did to me in front of my daughter.
The only attorney that would take my case (since I have no video) like others do, and how can any Dr say that he is certain that cop caused injuries, left me with a 70 yr old man that has threatened to quit on me several times because I have not emailed him withing a couple hours because I was on breathing treatments with laryngitis and upper respiratory.
Latest threat to quit after the defendants deposed me for 9 hours as sick as I am, down to 99 pounds and 5 ft 6 inches, due to pain meds. Also, my 13 yr old grandaughter overdosed and cant pass drug test and I spent sunday visiting her in dentention center. That makes attorney mad. He has no secretary, no cell phone, and is abusive. Threatening to quit when I cant meet his need immediately is abusive to me. Maybe I am just sensative. He is about 70 and was mayor of town for over 20 yrs, fired as city attorney, and I might be his only case. He doesnt like new mayor so is running again. I paid him $6500 front with money for taxes which are not very delinquint, and he yells at me and wants me to find Dr that saw what cop did basically. Meanwhile, my grandaughter tells me her mother is peeing for her so she can pass drug test, however, she is in detention because of something her mother used. Who do I protect? I am in daily pain, I cant take any more.
So to answer your question about the worst thing Ive done, I make poor decisions, dont know how to ask for help, have let inept husband back in house to try to work things out, computer is hacked, house keys missing, car broke into, and I suspect it is husband. There is no hope for me. I am my own worst emeny. I do not belong in this world. When I am not worrying about this, I have to work on this house like a mule so I have some retirement as I live on $800 month and healthy husband resents helping with house and I have to thank the ground he walks on. I have no choices
Anyone who read all of this is a saint. I would not have the stamina to follow. But I cant go on like this. If anyone knows of a shelter that takes dogs, cheap house for rent in carolinas, or any other options, please let me know. I will prostitute to get away from all of this. I will do anything. (I am old and ugly though). I have nothing left going for me. After putting daughter thru law school, she quit talking to me soon as she finsished. Other daughter, the mormon, not allowed. Drug addict will and does, so she can con me out of anything I can do for her. New name, doormat.
