General What Can I Do For My Carer?

[Kunoichi]

Hi all,

I hope this is okay. I am a sufferer of PTSD. I haven't seen this yet so i was wondering if I could get some carer's insight. Sometimes I am so stuck in the muck of my flashbacks, dissociations and PTSD that I don't always realize how much of a toll I am taking to my carer. He is very supportive and never, ever complains, even though I wake him up often at night due to nightmares.

So i was wondering what I could do to ease the toll on my carer? I try to be very open with him and communicative. So if any carers could maybe give advice what I could do to him on my "good days" or things i can let him know during my "bad days" I would appreciate it. :)

Thank you

Kunoichi

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Kunoichi

Fortunately I have not had to deal with someone with PTSD at the stage you are at and I am sorry that you have to suffer.

To me, the hardest part of PTSD was trying to understand what was wrong and what I could do without ending up being on the receiving end of the illness. I know you are dealing with a male and they process information differently to females however my suggestion is talk. Talk and explain as much as you can about what you are going through and what consequences different reactions can have on that. Talk and provide information and knowledge. I often forget Anthony is sick but I can now pretty much read him like a book and I generally get it right with knowing when to just leave him be and when to go and cuddle him, when to say nothing and when to talk. You want your Carer to understand you and the only way they can do that is if you help them. Through understand it helps us (well, it helped me) not to take it all so personally.

Good luck.

 

[patientsuccess]

Hello Kinoichi,

I am a husband of someone with PTSD. I agree that letting your carer know what works and doesn't work for you is very helpful. When you are down and very agitated, let him know that you are agitated so that he can be prepared for whatever may happen. When you are feeling a little better, let him know how much you appreciate his support.

When you can, tell him that you appreciate his commitment to you. Avoid saying anything else if you may still have some worries about how anyone could stay committed that way through the struggle you both face. Just let him know that you appreciate him and leave it at that.

 

[Kunoichi]

Thank you Nicolette.

I feel like i talk too much about all this though. Like he is going to get sick of me talking about it all the time :( that could be the PTSD talking but I get scared of who I am becoming as I heal from my abuse. I have only begun to discover who I am, what if he doesn't like me anymore? Since I might be different. He says that will never happen but I can't help but worry. I love him so much.

 

[Joey Padula]

Kunoichi,

I believe that doing something extremely spontaneous, maybe over the top maybe not, for your spouse. It could be anything just make sure it is a surprise. It is at these ridiculous times that I believe we are reminded that for one thing, you really love each other. also that no one in the world shares the kind of love that you and your spouse shares. Maybe im a hopeless romantic but thats what i would do.

 

[Joey Padula]

ps. your name is sweet and I am probably butchering it but i dont care. Just wanted to share a thought

 

[missy8888]

I am a carer and i just want to know that i am appreciated.. that is it... he doesnt have to do anything big or grand... just something simple and thoughtful when he is having a good day... a note, a text, a message saying, thank you for being so good to me, you are a good girl..... when he says stuff like that, it just melts my heart and makes all the hard days worth while...like the sun peeping in through the clouds... sometimes even just a thoughtful look and a hug from him makes me very happy... i never expect him to do anything he isnt capable of.. with me small things are big.. maybe just writing him a short note or letter when u are having a good day and letting him know that u appreciated something he said or did that made u feel better or what ever... he will love that...trust me... once i did a small favor for him and brought something to him at work...i didnt give it a thought cause i do nice stuff all the time... but, he was thrilled,,,cause he mentioned it like 3 times over the next few days... it meant so much to me that he said that.... the biggest gifts come from the heart.. good luck to you... xoxox

 

[Tbam]

well, there's one i can answer. i would ask him to write down the 3 things that get under his skin the most about your behavior on the bad days. Do not be offended by his response no matter what he says and make sure the answers are honest. Then, on a good day, have an open discussion about those three things. Get it out there, no anger, real discussion. Make a committment that on the "good days" you will be aware of those three behaviors and that you steer clear of these things.

Make your good days, his good days.

I also think he needs to know when a bad day is bad and when a good day is good. It is probably very obvious to you as you can feel your sadness, anger, emotion. But it may not be obvious at all times to your carer. Have some kind of key word that sends a signal right away to your spouse as to your emotional state, good or bad.

If you feel by doing this, he is getting the upper hand then you can make it more even by sharing with him a few things he does that trigger a bad emotion. It could be his body posture, or him always bringing up a flaw in your marriage such as house cleaning or money.

 

[Kunoichi]

Kunoichi,

I believe that doing something extremely spontaneous, maybe over the top maybe not, for your spouse. It could be anything just make sure it is a surprise. It is at these ridiculous times that I believe we are reminded that for one thing, you really love each other. also that no one in the world shares the kind of love that you and your spouse shares. Maybe im a hopeless romantic but thats what i would do.

LOL aww you made me blush. Yes, we really really do love eachother and I think that is an excellent idea! I think he would enjoy for me to do something like that :) He already figured out his Christmas gifts from me (that stinker) but I still have a few tricks up my sleeve *wink* ^_^

Oh and I'm glad you like my name ^_^ its pronounced (cun-noy-ee-chee) ^_^ meaning female ninja in Japanese. RL name is Kelly

well, there's one i can answer. i would ask him to write down the 3 things that get under his skin the most about your behavior on the bad days. Do not be offended by his response no matter what he says and make sure the answers are honest. Then, on a good day, have an open discussion about those three things. Get it out there, no anger, real discussion. Make a committment that on the "good days" you will be aware of those three behaviors and that you steer clear of these things.

Make your good days, his good days.

I also think he needs to know when a bad day is bad and when a good day is good. It is probably very obvious to you as you can feel your sadness, anger, emotion. But it may not be obvious at all times to your carer. Have some kind of key word that sends a signal right away to your spouse as to your emotional state, good or bad.

If you feel by doing this, he is getting the upper hand then you can make it more even by sharing with him a few things he does that trigger a bad emotion. It could be his body posture, or him always bringing up a flaw in your marriage such as house cleaning or money.

I like your suggestion and I'm actually going to have him do this today since it is a good day and that way we can talk about it ^_^ I know he will say it in honesty and love so that's good.

Honestly, he doesn't bring up a flaw to me ever in our marriage except that I worry too much lol If anything I am more hard on myself with the house cleaning. I think the only thing he would want more would be sexual activity and intimacy. He understands why but I still think he would probably want more even though he says its no big deal :)

Thank you all for your advice. I like talking to carers because it helps me understand more about my hubby (especially male carers). Its hard for me to understand men due to my abuser (who was male) being a twisted twisted human being who really messed up my reality of what a man should be. Thankfully hubby is bringing that back. Man, i love him so much! And now i'm rambling lol

I'll keep reading for any advice and I'll let you know how the other advice goes :)

Thanks

Kunoichi

 

[Tbam]

good luck.

 

[Kunoichi]

Took your advice Tbam and asked three things that bother him on my "bad days" he said "nothing" but i think there is more. (maybe i'm just paranoid or find more stuff wrong with me?)

I feel he gets aggravated sometimes cuz i talk about my PTSD and trauma so much right now. it is a daily discussion for me. I guess anybody would get annoyed after a while. that could be my own securities though.

 

[Tbam]

do you think he is being honest when he say that nothing bothers him??