What Did My Therapist Mean....

[Lucycat]

When he said I was to call him when I need to see him again?
When he said that I am doing well?
When he asked how Rory is ?
When he texted to say he had just left and was on his way?
When he said that I was his most challenging client? ( I really liked that one)
When he asked how I was feeling?
When he told me that he now uses EMDR for the majority of his clients?

Well, folks when I didn't know the answer I ASKED HIM!

 

[greenleaf]

Most of our issues do have a simple one-line solution when looked at "normally"... We could tell each other, "just don't think about being raped anymore and go to sleep already", "just stop being afraid of people who look like your abuser, they are obviously not your abuser", "just calm down when you're in a crowd, everyone else is"... we've all heard these sorts of things too most likely, and from the outside they seem so simple I guess.

If a therapist has said something that triggers old patterns that we developed to survive terrible situations with totally untrustworthy people, though, "just ask them" is for some of us in the same category as those things.

I could likely come up with a way that various survivors I've known (or myself) could interpret every item on your list, Lucycat, as something indicating that the T is a totally unsafe person, like an old abuser we've known... Unfortunately we know here are indeed real individuals who are not only untrustworthy, but smart, manipulative, and I'm sure people here could add a lot that I couldn't even deal with today.

And then, we can add in the fun of dissociation where we have reactions that take a long time for us to figure out, esp. without the T who has just triggered us...

:( Not a happy topic for me today. (My triggers luckily for me seem to be more rare now than some people's but they do pop up... I've spent years dealing with some of them though and some nasty ones are gone.)

 

[Lucycat]

could interpret every item on your list, Lucycat, as something indicating that the T is a totally unsafe person, like an old abuser we've known

But I think that is my point. All these questions are open to interpretation and mis-interpretation. But whoever I ask for an opinion as to what T meant the only person who actually knows the answer is T himself. If I really distrust him so much not to ask the question then I should not be seeing him.

So many people are asking for opinions of random strangers - on this forum and elsewhere - in preference to asking their T or somebody who actually knows their T. For something so important as therapy it astounds me that the advice of random strangers comes before the advice of a professional.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I agree for the most part and I know this is a problem I need to work on but for me I have encountered in the past with many different people that when I ask them they become abusive or manipulative or it was worse than I thought. So for me it's overcoming this fear that any person can just suddenly switch and become dangerous or at the very least upsetting and that's not so easily done.

 

[Leah123]

Asking others for input on relationships, including the therapist relationship, is par for the course for much of humanity. I can understand you feeling impatient with it, but not sure your rant will convert many, haha.

Keep in mind that folks don't necessarily forum-members' advice *instead* of the other party's, but often before taking it up directly. In the meantime, they for reassurance, another set of eyes, perspective, etc., all things that can help them address the primary issue better.

Although I typically like to keep relationship issues within the relationship, I understand a one on one relationship doesn't always feel safe and the individual doesn't feel clear enough to always immediately engage directly, especially when dealing with folks suffering from PTSD. I know that's been true for me at times, and I've really appreciated all the support I've gotten here and elsewhere, including even the dissenting and less common opinions, because they help me chip away at the interference in my head and heart until I get clear on what's most important for moving forward and what I really need to ask for or get from my therapist.

It is very easy to say "go ask the person" but clearly, very frightening, painful and confusing to do that for some of us in some situations.

Not to say internet advice is a substitute for expert advice or that anyone here is a mindreader, but I think most folks understand that.

Your rant was a good reminder for me, because I am very direct and do like to go to the source. So I often advise others to do the same, but try to be understanding about why that's difficult.
I was reminded of even my own struggles with this and that we're all at different places, needing different things.

 

[Hashi]

I have encountered in the past with many different people that when I ask them they become abusive or manipulative or it was worse than I thought.

Do you mean with many different therapists? Sorry, I'm a bit unclear.

Most of our issues do have a simple one-line solution when looked at "normally"...

On this forum, most of us will be looking at them from a PTSD perspective. I don't think suggesting that you ask your therapist what they meant when they said something to you is the same as "just don't think about being raped anymore and go to sleep already", How is that similar?

 

[Lucycat]

but not sure your rant will convert many, haha.

Sorry does this read as a rant? I didn't mean it to be. Or did I? Maybe I should go and ask somebody what I meant :p

 

[Hashi]

It is very easy to say "go ask the person" but clearly, very frightening, painful and confusing to do that for some of us in some situations.

Did anyone suggest it was easy to do?

Challenging our thoughts and responses, learning to trust appropriately - these are a huge part of the therapy process. If we don't challenge them we can't move forward.

This is one of the points of the therapeutic relationship, to provide a safe space for us to act out and heal our responses that we learnt long ago - through projection onto the therapist/situation, among other things.

And how frightening, painful and confusing is it to make up your own conclusions without asking the therapist? I don't know how many times I've read someone later saying something along the lines of "I asked and it was for a completely different, harmless reason that I'd never thought of". I'm struggling to remember any times when someone posted along the lines of "I asked her and she clarified it was because she hates me and doesn't care".

This is therapy. Dealing with this stuff isn't a reason not to engage with a therapist. It's a reason to do it.

 

[greenleaf]

Do you mean with many different therapists? Sorry, I'm a bit unclear.

On this forum, most of us will be looking at them from a PTSD perspective. I don't think suggesting that you ask your therapist what they meant when they said something to you is the same as "just don't think about being raped anymore and go to sleep already", How is that similar?

While most folks here have PTSD or are supporters, I'd definitely say that there is no one "PTSD perspective"... it's an incredibly diverse thing that likely has some common neurological things... even there, it looks like the "overmodulated" and "undermodulated" PTSDs are practically opposites in the brain.

So, here we have different types of PTSD, different cultures, genders, genetics, and this could go on and on... so yes, I'd say that someone with PTSD could have the same feelings about another very different survivor, as a non-PTSD person could have... minimizing etc. is definitely possible... hopefully we are motivated to use our own experience as an analogy though and not do that.

Re. the "(just) don't think about being raped" etc. -- I can't force anyone to feel how this is an analogy... it feels lilke the same approach to me, and I'm having trouble seeing how folks don't see it... but that's because of my background I guess. I'll try to figure out how to express it differently.

One note... I have noticed that it can be difficult for people who have decent "baseline" trust of a certain sort, to really understand the world of others who lack that trust, or maybe who can be triggered into a time when they lacked some of it. People can really be living in different worlds. (I'm sure everyone here recognizes that part!) The lack of assumption that someone will not harm or kill you given a chance is in some non-cortex level, I think. Not that this is necessarily the issue that's going on in other people's heads in this discussion, but it feels related for me. I am going to go get chocolate now.

 

[Leah123]

Did anyone suggest it was easy to do?

Right, but change doesn't happen overnight. If so, there'd be a lot of out of work therapists. I respect that we're all at different places and that some find that sometimes asking others for input can help. I've certainly found it helpful on occasion myself.

 

[Lucycat]

I certainly have asked for opinions about all sort of things.

It is specifically the 'what does my therapist mean by..?' that gets to me, because none of us can know the answer. Speculation at best. More often than not it leads to a condemnation of the therapist because of what people think he/she *might* have meant. The we hear 'sack your therapist'. All because somebody did not ask their therapist 'what do you mean by that?'

 

[Leah123]

Yes, folks can be quick to judge. I don't find all the responses I've gotten to those threads equally helpful, but I do appreciate that people take the time to reply to me. And I find having others share their experiences helpful as well as getting some different possible interpretations, to help me deescalate when I'm very upset by a potential misunderstanding and either can't reach my therapist for a long while or need to calm down before I'm ready to try. I think some posters also find the validation helpful: not everyone perceives the power balance between client and therapist as equal, particularly when triggered or in another difficult state, and having others for support can be very... affirming in a way that actually facilitates conversations in therapy.