I have always had dissociative issues. Growing up I told my mother I could see myself from the corner of the room. "sure sweetie, me too." In first grade, I told my teacher that I couldn't feel my feet. I told her when I walked I felt like I was going forward on roller skates. She sent me to the nurse. "here, have some water."
As a young adult, the dissociation changed. I would get a weird feeling in my head, and my body would separate from myself. When it would happen in school I couldn't feel my hands writing or typing, though they continued to do so properly. Although I was a poor student, it never really got in the way of anything super critical.
Now I'm almost 28 and things are changing again. It's been happening like this for a couple years but I think I am getting closer and closer to a description of how it works. Originally the only explanation I could give was that there were a bunch of radios playing all different stations in my head. I couldn't understand or identify any specific voices or words or phrases. Chattery-type noise.
My most recent way to explain is this: There's me. I'm always me. There's other things. These things have feelings. Maybe they are feelings? I think I will call them 'orbs'. There's a sad and scared feeling, and I want to hug it. There's a nice warm, caring feeling and I want to be hugged by it. There's a angry, scary feeling and I don't like when it's close to me.
That's the other factor. Closeness. Imagine the orbs circling around the center - the center is me. Circling around are the feelings in the little orbs. Kind of like a planet with the rings around it. Sometimes it sound more clear than other times. I hear it in my head, much like when you read a book or recall conversation. Sometimes it sounds far away like it's across the street. Or through some thick bushes. Sometimes it's very close like just a curtain between me and the orb.
I told my therapist that the angry/scary feeling orb is very close and very loud when I am at her office. When she asked me why I thought that was the case, I knew the answer immediately. I said, "this sounds insane but, it doesn't want me to talk to you." I never referred to these feelings/orbs has having a will of their own.
In the past, when I was asked a difficult question, I would have a feeling where I knew the answer but it would disappear. I would forget it. It was almost like there was an invisible hand covering my mouth. My brain would turn off and all I could say was, "I don't know". I was always disappointed. There would be a small voice inside that said, "help me" every time I said, "I don't know".
There's more to say, but I need to go to bed, I'm so tired! :O_o:
:)
As a young adult, the dissociation changed. I would get a weird feeling in my head, and my body would separate from myself. When it would happen in school I couldn't feel my hands writing or typing, though they continued to do so properly. Although I was a poor student, it never really got in the way of anything super critical.
Now I'm almost 28 and things are changing again. It's been happening like this for a couple years but I think I am getting closer and closer to a description of how it works. Originally the only explanation I could give was that there were a bunch of radios playing all different stations in my head. I couldn't understand or identify any specific voices or words or phrases. Chattery-type noise.
My most recent way to explain is this: There's me. I'm always me. There's other things. These things have feelings. Maybe they are feelings? I think I will call them 'orbs'. There's a sad and scared feeling, and I want to hug it. There's a nice warm, caring feeling and I want to be hugged by it. There's a angry, scary feeling and I don't like when it's close to me.
That's the other factor. Closeness. Imagine the orbs circling around the center - the center is me. Circling around are the feelings in the little orbs. Kind of like a planet with the rings around it. Sometimes it sound more clear than other times. I hear it in my head, much like when you read a book or recall conversation. Sometimes it sounds far away like it's across the street. Or through some thick bushes. Sometimes it's very close like just a curtain between me and the orb.
I told my therapist that the angry/scary feeling orb is very close and very loud when I am at her office. When she asked me why I thought that was the case, I knew the answer immediately. I said, "this sounds insane but, it doesn't want me to talk to you." I never referred to these feelings/orbs has having a will of their own.
In the past, when I was asked a difficult question, I would have a feeling where I knew the answer but it would disappear. I would forget it. It was almost like there was an invisible hand covering my mouth. My brain would turn off and all I could say was, "I don't know". I was always disappointed. There would be a small voice inside that said, "help me" every time I said, "I don't know".
There's more to say, but I need to go to bed, I'm so tired! :O_o:
:)
