sun seeker
Diamond Member
I'm not sure this is in the right place but it's the closest I could find.
Thinking about starting with a new therapist (was supposed to be today but I caught a cold) and about possibly going into family therapy with my mom, I have been mulling over what would work for me and why I haven't found what I need in the past. I'm at a point when spending lots of time talking about my past isn't going to be very helpful. What is really getting in the way of moving forward is how small my life has become because of how much I put into avoiding the feeling I get when I am triggered. It makes me avoid relationships, has brought my social life to a grinding halt, keeps my job options extremely narrow, in short has made me something close to a hermit. Toning down that feeling, I figure, would be a good therapy goal.
But I don't know what to call it. It goes far beyond any normal emotions. Panic, terror, grief, overwhelm, none of them describe how vast and all-encompassing it is. The closest analogy I can think of is that it's like what someone might feel on getting the news that someone dear to them has just died, but that's not quite right. The intensity is like I'm dying, but that isn't quite right either because death lasts a moment and this feels like it will have no end when I am in it. It's an emotional agony that almost hurts physically as well, so strong that to express it, which a couple of friends keep urging me to do, I'd have to turn inside out. Like torture but on an emotional level. Like grasping around in the dark for something to hold on to, completely helpless, completely devastated. It comes up in situations when I feel like I don't have the right to exist, but a whole lot of things can trigger it, so much so that as I say, I avoid much of life to keep it to a minimum. When it happens what people see is that I'm crying convulsively and can't stop or talk. It isn't a normal kind of crying, nor do I feel better afterwards, because I'm actually focusing so hard on controlling it that it isn't a release. It's that intensity that I'd like to work on in therapy, and also what makes me afraid of family therapy (my mother can trigger it like no one else).
But I don't know what to call it. Does anyone else get something similar? How have you described it? I know it's an emotional flashback, but those can take different forms.
To be clear, I'm not asking what to do about it (unless anyone has a really brilliant magic bullet!) Just looking for how to describe it. Thanks!
Thinking about starting with a new therapist (was supposed to be today but I caught a cold) and about possibly going into family therapy with my mom, I have been mulling over what would work for me and why I haven't found what I need in the past. I'm at a point when spending lots of time talking about my past isn't going to be very helpful. What is really getting in the way of moving forward is how small my life has become because of how much I put into avoiding the feeling I get when I am triggered. It makes me avoid relationships, has brought my social life to a grinding halt, keeps my job options extremely narrow, in short has made me something close to a hermit. Toning down that feeling, I figure, would be a good therapy goal.
But I don't know what to call it. It goes far beyond any normal emotions. Panic, terror, grief, overwhelm, none of them describe how vast and all-encompassing it is. The closest analogy I can think of is that it's like what someone might feel on getting the news that someone dear to them has just died, but that's not quite right. The intensity is like I'm dying, but that isn't quite right either because death lasts a moment and this feels like it will have no end when I am in it. It's an emotional agony that almost hurts physically as well, so strong that to express it, which a couple of friends keep urging me to do, I'd have to turn inside out. Like torture but on an emotional level. Like grasping around in the dark for something to hold on to, completely helpless, completely devastated. It comes up in situations when I feel like I don't have the right to exist, but a whole lot of things can trigger it, so much so that as I say, I avoid much of life to keep it to a minimum. When it happens what people see is that I'm crying convulsively and can't stop or talk. It isn't a normal kind of crying, nor do I feel better afterwards, because I'm actually focusing so hard on controlling it that it isn't a release. It's that intensity that I'd like to work on in therapy, and also what makes me afraid of family therapy (my mother can trigger it like no one else).
But I don't know what to call it. Does anyone else get something similar? How have you described it? I know it's an emotional flashback, but those can take different forms.
To be clear, I'm not asking what to do about it (unless anyone has a really brilliant magic bullet!) Just looking for how to describe it. Thanks!
