General What Do You Let Your Sufferer Get Away With?

[ashmarie]

Hello all

I was reading another post that got me thinking, we as carers (myself included) always mention allowances we make for our sufferers and things/behaviors we let them get away with becasue of their disorder that would otherwise be unaccaptable. I'm curious where you draw the line? What is acceptable due to PTSD and what is not? And why we allow them to do these things, but any other person without PTSD would not get away with doing so.

 

[Pam]

When my C needs to lock himself away in his house and end communication for a while, he is free to do that. When he needs to not keep me informed about his health status, he is free to do that. That is not treating me rudely. He is taking care of his needs so that he can function fairly well during good times, and stay alive and safe during bad times. Thank goodness he does those things.

 

[helena]

Hi ashmarie,

I was asked this question only last night so it is fresh in my mind.

I 'tolerate' more than allow him to drink but I don't allow drunkeness (if that makes sense) so I set boundaries and he keeps to them in so much that he will stay away if he gets too drunk.

I would never tolerate cheating - don't care if he was drunk, triggered, vulnerable, weak.... no way would I accept that. He would be gone.

I would not tolerate violence. His behaviour has been erratic over the years but even in the midst of disassociation he has never been physically violent to me.

I guess that is it... I don't have a long list of rules and I don't think I put up with a lot really. He is very loving, very kind and supportive of me and I couldn't imagine life without him.

Ptsd is a cruel condition but it doesn't completely rob the person away from you... it is not as bad as alzheimers say (my mother had that) Nevertheless, it can be a struggle to come to terms with accepting that some part of the person you loved before the illness will not be coming back.

i only found out yesterday that the plate in his head has been causing the emotions to switch off - hence the drinking in order to 'feel' and the emotional 'flooding' as a consequence of the alcohol.

I am constantly learning which is probably why I don't make too many rules or demands.

Hope I have answered your question.

Helena

 

[Pam]

My C drinks for the same reason. On Friday nights his intake is greater but it also allows him to laugh, be silly, and say romantic things. When he is sober he very seldom feels and will often complain of the sensation of having a black heart. Meaning that he feels empty, hopeless, blank, dark, restless as well as motionless, and diseased. With beer, I am thinking that he is able to feel the effects of endorphins to a greater degree?:think:

 

[Frankie]

Hi ashmarie,

While my exbf and I were together, the issues surrounding ptsd were very minor...however, I did see glimpse of them and was able to let him get away with most of them.

I accepted and respected his need for silence....but not long periods of abandonment. I accepted his need to get away from everyone, and in his case, hours on his 4wheel.

I accepted him forgetting things and dates....and in some cases to my benefit...lol....like forgetting one xmas that he had given me 3 gifts before the actual day and saying "baby, I didn't get you anything"......so I said "well, you did.....but if you really believe you didn't buy me anything, you can go shopping again" lol...We laughed a lot at that :rofl:

However, what I didn't accept, and he knew it, was his car rage...I have seen him a couple of times having these rages and I let him know right away that this was something I wouldn't tolerate.

We have to remember that there is a person there....and their bad behaviors should not always be associated with the disorder. Helena, well said...and I also know about Alzeihmers...my mother also had it.

Something that I would not tolerate while in a relationship, ptsd or not, is violence, cheating or someone who makes a habit of being drunk.

Frankie

 

[Pam]

C has often said that if there was a legal drug that allowed or caused him to feel warm, fuzzy good feelings, to laugh often, to readily feel love, and to be boy silly, he would kiss beer good by in a heart beat.

 

[ashmarie]

Thank you all for your responses. Pam, I was actually reading a post by you about you not tolerating rude behaviors or being treated like a second class citizen and I thought "good for you! taking that stance outright and and not waivering" so it just got me thinking, so thank you.

I agree I would NEVER put up with cheating, violence, drunkeness PTSD or not, those are COMPLETE dealbreakers and my sufferer has never displayed any hint of the above mentioned no no's. He has however had other behaviors I would not put up with from someone without PTSD (such as complete isolation, seeming as though he doesn't give a d*mn, slightly rude behavior/comments) but once I came to know more about the condition and how he deals with it, I have been able to rationalize and accept these behaviors (I'm still having a problem with the rude stuff and I tell him when it's not ok and he is realizing that is something that I can't just brush off as a "PTSD thing")

I sometimes wonder if it is a double standard that in relationships with non PTSD sufferers, these behaviors would get someone kicked to the curb rather quickly, but with our PTSD relationships, we make exceptions and understand it as part of the condition. Obviously I don't think that too much seeing as how I am still with him and making these allowances fairly easily now... ;)

 

[Nicolette]

I'm curious where you draw the line? What is acceptable due to PTSD and what is not.

Hi Ashmarie

I am a little late to this thread sorry.

I can only speak for myself but I do not find PTSD as an excuse for Anthony to treat me any different from someone without PTSD. I do not make any allowances in how he treats me and I draw the line with what I consider normal healthy boundaries of trust, respect, dignity, kindness and absolutely no abuse.

The only allowances I make are those when he is ill and needs time alone to rest or not to be pushed, poked or prodded. I then don't expect anything of him as his health is the priority and I want him to be well.

 

[amethist]

Hi ashmarie

Good question, after reading the responses to your thread so far I have to agree with all that Nicolette has already said.

The only allowances I make for my husband now is to be ill, no more. I will push him if I can see is is just being lazy, but I do know how for to go by the look on his face as this tells me almost everything.

Apart from that nothing has changed since ptsd invaded our lives and we both understand a lot more about it than we did nearly 10 months ago.

The loving caring man is still there, he just can't always show it like he did but he does try and tells me everyday he loves me. Not because I care for him but because he can now tell me like he did before and with the same feeling.

The one rule we both agreed on not long ago was that when I come home from work we always have a kiss and a hug no matter what either of us is feeling. This is just a small thing that helps to keep us connected. This was his idea not mine, and I can always feel him relax just a bit when we do this.

Pearl

 

[Shoka]

A great post, and useful for me to think this through at the moment.

I will not tolerate him drinking, period. His drinking has proven over and over to be a behavior that lends him to slipping into extreme responses, and at times extreme dissasociation.- Dangerous

I will not tolerate him not taking care of his ptsd stuff. meaning, he goes to therapy, takes his meds, and follows doctors orders.

I wont tolerate him taking his stuff out on me. Let me be honest and admit that I did at one time allow this. I had to learn the hard way. I enabled him and hurt myself. It wasn't worth it to let things slip because now we are at a stage where the tolerance level is so low, that we are only ever one fight away from a break up.

Other than thise specifics I agree with Nicolette. No cheating, no lying, no abuse (I learned to define what abuse is).

In retrospect I wish I had been a bit of a quicker learner about all of this stuff, I wish that I'd respected myself enough to have firm boundaries from the beginning. I have grown to realize that allowing someone to treat me in a way that I'm really NOT comfortable with is a disease in and of itself. If not treated right away, it becomes worse and the diagnosis for recovery from it is harder. I think this is the hardest thing for a newcomer to learn, that is boundaries and making sure that you take care of yourself. It was hard for me.

Thanks for the post!

Shoka

 

[Tinyflame]

When I think about it, to me, anything that is peceeded by " (to) get away with", might not be such a good idea.

I think that adjusting to, or accepting, or forgiving/ understanding the aspects of ptsd and related behaviours that occur is one thing, but that being said, the onus for me personally is on me managing my own behaviours. I appreciate endlessly understanding and kindness, but it doesn't give me license to treat anyone in a way I wouldn't want to be treated. I'm responsible for that -can be, and should be.

 

[Nicolette]

Junebug got me thinking and I must add that while I don't tolerate bad behaviour there are times with PTSD when you have to deal with the event after the situation. Sometimes it takes calmness to teach a sufferer as they are usually more open to process what is being said.