General What Do You Get Out Of Your Relationship?

[rightkindofme]

This kind of balance (what kind of help to offer and when) is an ongoing negotiation in my house. It is very hard to determine the balance on these things. So, I have a lot of trouble sleeping. I don't actually have nightmares anymore (yay pot) but I don't sleep well. If I interrupt my husband sleeping then he doesn't do very well supporting me in all of the ways that he already supports me. Sometimes I'm awake because of intense pain. (I'm beginning to narrow it down to probably IBS. It would explain most of my symptoms.) I'm awake at night all the gosh darn time. I can't ask him to wake up with me.

That said, when my uncle died and I had a nervous breakdown he didn't sleep much that week because he was up all night listening to me tell every horrible story I could. Things I had never said out loud to anyone. He woke up and took care of the kids for all of the hours that he wasn't at work. Other friends cared for my kids for a week while he was at work.

He can't meet all of my needs. He just can't.

I was being kind of shirty (like snotty but funner) in my head and I thought, "What he really gets out of being married to me is lots of sex." I have hypersexuality issues. That is where a lot of my trauma went. I am not allowed to pick up random people now so he is the sole beneficiary. Sex is really different post-kids but my absolute belief that I am required to provide sex hasn't changed. I think I was told too many times for too many years. I do a fair bit of "taking one for the team."

He feels he gets what he wants from life. I keep a lot of my symptoms very hidden other than blogging about them. I am a very good actor and I have a very limited life so that I can manage my stress.

It isn't perfect, but it is what I can manage. He does have to put up with me needing a lot of alone time (isolating) but he is an intense introvert so we trade alone time and it works out. It doesn't feel like a mean thing to him.

I haven't really screamed at him in years. I stopped reading his email. I invite his ex-girlfriends over to dinner because he is still friends with them.

I am nice to him. I also have PTSD.

 

[nursenurse]

You mad me chuckle, Rightkindofme :) I sometimes hate that we isolate PTSD so much that it feels like sufferers are from another planet. And a few of them may well be, as can be anyone from any walk in life. I don't have PTSD, I am a little too fluffy for my height, and I have high blood pressure. If I was any more laid back, I would be buried. But once in awhile I can obsess about a problem like there is no tomorrow, to the detriment of others. If I say I am going to do something I do it, and woe to the receiving end if they are unable to complete their part of the bargain, Dude included. I have trouble not thinking of myself as a fat stupid cow, as I was called at every opportunity during the latter part of my marriage. And a host of other things to boot.

The Dude is nice. He has PTSD. I am nice. I don't have PTSD. But we both still come with the quirks and quibbles that make us human. PTSD is just one of them.

 

[Misul]

I understand what everyone is saying. I think expectations like making an effort to understand one another and communicate are different than thinking it's the person's job to take care of you and meet all your needs. Looking to someone else to "make it all better" isn't healthy because no one has the resources to do that. That's what I mean by the fairy tale. Many people look to their partner to make them feel better and that's an unreasonable expectation that your loved one can't possibly live up to.

 

[Misul]

The Dude is nice. He has PTSD. I am nice. I don't have PTSD. But we both still come with the quirks and quibbles that make us human. PTSD is just one of them.

Yep, we're all on a journey with it's shares of ups and downs, PTSD or not! :D

 

[monicaelise]

I think expectations like making an effort to understand one another and communicate are different than thinking it's the person's job to take care of you and meet all your needs. Looking to someone else to "make it all better" isn't healthy because no one has the resources to do that. That's what I mean by the fairy tale. Many people look to their partner to make them feel better and that's an unreasonable expectation that your loved one can't possibly live up to.

I think I may have been unclear. I don't expect anyone to "take care of me", but I do expect a certain fundamental level of give-and-take in a committed relationship. This was the point of my original post, as well the questions I posted in response to your claims that it is not a partner's job to look after you. I love several people in my life... my kids, my friends, etc.,...but if I'm going to commit to another adult, I guess I expect something more than what is simply convenient for the man I'm involved. Otherwise, I can just leave him in that other category, the one where I just do what's convenient for me as well. I can leave him to his mood swings, nightmares, depression, and all of the other symptoms that supporters are supposed to see their partners through. He can just take care of himself, too. If both people are just looking out for themselves, there really isn't much point in a relationship, is there?

"Love", on its own, is not enough to sustain a genuine, adult relationship...at least not in my experience.

 

[nursenurse]

Very true. It isn't about convenience for most of us involved with sufferers, in fact in can be very inconvenient for us at times when they are isolating, when they are depressed, and there are a million and one things to do. But like any illness, we try to offer understanding of the situation, not excuses or a bye. In turn, our needs, whatever they may be, are met the same way as in any relationship, but it may take more time, more compromise, more understanding. Some people are capable of this, others aren't. And that is not to say it isn't difficult at times. Education about PTSD helps. Boundaries help. We do expect our partners to "be there" for us as in any other relationship. The capacity varies. The bottom line for any relationship on this earth is, are you better with them or without them. My Dude makes me happy. The good outweighs the bad, at least so far, lol. And the key to any kind of relationships i think is to take your time while it is developing. You learn your own limits, as well as theirs.

 

[Misul]

However, as supporters you also have needs and cannot be there for your sufferer 100% of the time. They need to respect that. It has nothing to do with convenience and I never said something of the sort. Just because you need something from your partner doesn't mean you can demand it, as its not their "job". Maybe they simply cannot help us at the time for whatever reason; maybe they are having a crisis of their own.

I'm not at all taking the side of a sufferer. I'm speaking in general terms. We, as sufferers, should understand that our supporters are just that - supporters - they can't take away all of our pain and they can't "fix" us. That responsibility lies with us.

 

[Misul]

Maybe I'm the only one with the opinion that other people do not exist to be my outlet when I have issues. People should work together and give each other strength, etc. I would never expect another human being to constantly deal with my mood swings, depression, nightmares, and the others things you listed. How can another human being deal with all of that? Helping a little, being there for me to tell me it's going to be alright, sure... but not more than that. Dumping all of my PTSD on someone else would probably destroy them. And it would be selfish of me.

Love is an action, not a feeling.

nursenurse, I agree with your statement about limits. What I see is that many people constantly disregard the other person's limits and cry, "but you should help meeeee nowwww because I feeeel bad!!" Which goes back to my example of feeling sick but your partner has to get up early the next day. Should he/she put their job at risk? How does that help the situation? That's very stressful!! Just because we have needs doesn't mean our partners can drop everything and help, as supporters know all too well! I'm on your side, I'm just not coming across too well. lol

So I guess, monicaelise, is that if you feel that your partner constantly oversteps boundaries and takes way too much, then that's not going to work. You aren't a superhero and he shouldn't expect you to be. That's been my point. A human being can only do so much. As a supporter, you basically committed yourself to handling even more than one normally would in a relationship. That's stressful. But you have to look out for yourself, too. Otherwise you will be depleted and have nothing left to give and your own well being will suffer.

 

[monicaelise]

I'm not at all taking the side of a sufferer. I'm speaking in general terms. We, as sufferers, should understand that our supporters are just that - supporters - they can't take away all of our pain and they can't "fix" us. That responsibility lies with us.

So is the idea then that it isn't a partnership, but rather one in which one individual expects to be supported and the other should just do the supporting without any expectation of reciprocity? A case of "you look out for you and me, and I'll just be sure to look out for me"? Perhaps, I've been mistaken in thinking that a mutually supportive, reasonably healthy relationship is possible with someone who is carrying the burden of PTSD.

This has certainly been a very enlightening discussion. FWIW, I never demanded anything, and from what I have seen on these boards, very few supporters even feel comfortable even asking for anything, much less demanding. Again, this is why I asked for supporters to offer up their thoughts and experiences on this topic. It's quite clear what most sufferers get out of their relationships, but it's not readily apparent to me (at least in many of the threads I've seen here) what the supporters are getting from them.

 

[monicaelise]

As a supporter, you basically committed yourself to handling even more than one normally would in a relationship.

Actually, I committed myself to a human being and he committed himself to me. I did not choose an "outlet". I met a man, he loved me (and love is a feeling, not an action) and I thought I loved him. Then life threw a few wrenches in the works and I found out how far that love extended. I didn't leave the relationship because my boundaries were violated, I left to save my life. I'm sorry you can't understand these issues. I genuinely hope you never find yourself in a position to.

Thank you again for all of your input.

 

[Misul]

I think I've been completely misunderstood here. I'm not sure how to explain myself so I'll just bow out.

 

[nursenurse]

Misul, the question is being repeated over and over, and i think maybe Monicaelise is looking for an answer we can't give. PTSD relationships are as much of a relationship as any other. All relationships require some self sacrifices, you want the best for your partner. But when your soul suffers and you need to save your life, to me the dynamics of a loving and long lasting relationship weren't there to begin with. And perhaps the kind of understanding of PTSD necessary were not there PTSD relationships are not superficial ones at all, Monicaelise. Love is an action as well, you cannot build a life based on just feelings. And to imply that our relationships as supporters are just friends with benefits misses the point of relationships in general, and certainly point to a general misunderstanding of PTSD as well. And is a bit of a slap in the face to those of us who choose to support our sufferers in whatever capacity we can. We have introspection, we know their limits, and we know ours, and we compromise because there is a soul beyond the I love you's and the ravages of PTSD that is worth knowing and worth being with. Not everyone is cut out for it, and if you don't know yourself, I can guarantee it will have a snowball's chance in hell of working.