General What Do You Get Out Of Your Relationship?

[Misul]

I really hope that things work out. I don't believe in a God either, but I hope you get a miracle.

 

[nursenurse]

Well, maybe there is a second chance, and I think you will always wonder "What if?" if you don't meet with him. I think maybe you do love him for those very things you describe. I think you will regret it if you don't see him. At the very least, you will put closure on things. At the very most, you will find real "looooooooove" and someone you can count on. :D

 

[Nicolette]

"We don't meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our path for a reason"... you need to find out the reason why as it may or may not be love.

 

[nursenurse]

Nicely put, Nicolette :)

 

[mixtapeheartache]

I have come across these two links that give me a fresh perspective and sometimes, good or bad, hope:

Sidran Institute -- Glossary

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Anyone relate?

 

[monicaelise]

Link Removed

Rule #5: Have fun.

That's my biggest goal right now. I know it's probably not the most "mature" approach, but we've both been through so much over the past few years that I just don't care. Nursenurse and Nicolette are right on the money. It's time to stop worrying and over-analyzing, and start living. The cards are going to fall wherever they may, good or bad, so I'm just going to try and enjoy the ride as long as it lasts.

It's time to carpe-flippin-diem! :D

 

[nursenurse]

It is a mature approach, actually. If someone or something does not bring you beauty or joy, it is time to think carefully about whoever or whatever it is.

 

[Nicolette]

Sidran Institute -- Glossary

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I'm not keen on some of the points in the links - if you took them literally I believe some lean too far to the worst case scenario and advice such as not to expect too much can be misleading. I think the "do not judge" point is way off track as most sufferers aren't willing to open up and talk about it.

 

[monicaelise]

Well he came and I saw him. He is worse. No meds still and no clear attempt to improve things for himself. He's not the man I met. I don't think that man will ever come back. Without the military standing on his throat to take care of himself, he's become a bloated, disheveled, even surlier person than the man I left last winter. It's sad, but I did the right thing leaving when I did.

We will remain in contact, as I'm buying a car from him, but that contact will be as limited as I can keep it. I guess in my gut I kind of knew it would go this way. Too many years, too much damage. Some of them only make it back in body. It's up to us to look after ourselves and steer clear of the ones there is no longer any hope for.

 

[Hashi]

monicaelise, I'm glad you're honouring yourself and what you need.

I would say I felt a bit uncomfortable with the phrase "the ones there is no longer any hope for". I think there's hope for everyone, but of course there are issues - in some cases, how much someone will commit to working on recovery, or how long and rocky the road towards recovery is likely to be, what their partner can realistically expect from the relationship, and underlying personality traits too (which I think often get overlooked when there are PTSD symptoms). Maybe it's more that there's no hope for a relationship together rather than no hope for them? At any rate, that's how I would personally see it.

I'm sorry that it didn't turn out differently with this person, but I very much agree about looking after yourself and making the right decision for you.

 

[monicaelise]

underlying personality traits too (which I think often get overlooked when there are PTSD symptoms).

I think you're spot on here. After seeing him yesterday, and thinking about all the things I know about him and his life, I don't know how much of his problem is PTSD and how much is just him. He has a very long and poor track record with people, especially women, that precedes the PTSD diagnosis. It almost seems to me as the PTSD has just become a license for him to behave badly toward others.

I see lots of people post on here, male and female, who have PTSD but still have retained some basic level of empathy and self-awareness. He has neither, and it's always someone else's fault. His last two relationships prior to ours, where he was seriously involved with someone he lived with, resulted in his being totally abandoned (supposedly because the woman had PTSD herself) and being physically abused. In both cases, he claims to have been the victim.

He's never lasted more than a few months with anyone else in between as far as I know (which at 36 is little unusual). He really has no idea how horrible he can be. Right now, he's the worst I've ever seen him, but I'm sure it's not the worst anyone has ever seen him. It's quite sad.

 

[twopenny]

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you with him. Sometimes things are simply not meant to be (and sometimes PTSD isn't to blame for it).

To answer the basic question, though, in case it's of help to anybody else... I am in a 'successful' (whatever that means) relationship with a sufferer of combat PTSD. We have our moments, and our meltdowns, but overall, we're probably stronger than we've ever been - even though he's just had a relapse (though nothing like as bad as it got at its worst).

To give some background, I met him long before he was diagnosed (though he probably had PTSD the whole time). We fell in love, lived together, etc. Probably about 7 or 8 years in it started to get bad. Eventually he was diagnosed and sought help, and it got worse, (and worse, and worse), but then got better, slowly.

Anyway... what I get from him...
When he was at his worst, his company sometimes, another body in the bed, the knowledge that he still loved me enough to keep coming home to me, instead of jumping under a train on the way home.
For the rest of the time, companion, lover, best friend - everything you get from a 'normal' marriage / relationship. I think it may help that I don't tend to think of him as a 'sufferer' though. He's my hub - he just happens to have a problem that takes some effort to deal with, and some special handling some of the time.

I would say I felt a bit uncomfortable with the phrase "the ones there is no longer any hope for".

Me too, I'm afraid. Unless somebody's an out and out sociopath, I don't think there's ever any such thing as no hope for anybody. I'd also consider it to mean that there's no hope for you being with him.

Anyone relate?

Absolutely! I think I did these on instinct. Although it helped that a friend (a psychotherapist) told me that the best thing I could do for him (other than be there for him) was to treat him as normal - that normality is one of the best ways of handling things. I didn't expect too much, or take offence (much), I didn't accept any behaviour from him that I wouldn't have accepted before he was diagnosed, and I let him talk if he wanted to (despite some of it being truly terrible), but didn't push him. I tried not to 'walk on eggshells', or be frightened of him blowing up at me (though it did happen). I tried to learn what his triggers are. I tried my best to treat him just as I did before things got bad (with a bit more reassurance and a little more leeway).

Admittedly, I am lucky, we were pretty solid all along (though we've had our moments of nearly splitting up - him locking me out of the house with no shoes or money was a classic). And he genuinely wanted to get better, and has worked really, really hard.

By the way, as I have noticed it mentioned earlier in the thread - I've also given my word that I'm not going anywhere. True, we're now married, so I also made a vow to that effect, but I promised him too. To answer the why - because that's my honest and true intention (at least while i have control over it).


And, of course, most recently what I got out of it was him noticing something was up with me, and sending me to the doctor, which is how I found out that I also have PTSD (completely unrelated to his, not secondary). Not sure I'm entirely grateful over that one yet... ;)