General What Do You Get Out Of Your Relationship?

[nursenurse]

At any rate, we have all been through it in our lives. It's called "Breaking up," and is not choosy about the couples it visits. Some relationships are toxic, others merely just a bad match. Others work for whatever reason. PTSD doesn't change this.

 

[monicaelise]

But when your soul suffers and you need to save your life, to me the dynamics of a loving and long lasting relationship weren't there to begin with.

He didn't give me cancer, so I'm not sure what this has to do with anything.

And perhaps the kind of understanding of PTSD necessary were not there PTSD relationships are not superficial ones at all, Monicaelise.

As to the other aspects of your post... well there have been no implications regarding superficiality or the nature of all PTSD relationships, just queries for information. I certainly didn't consider my "partner" a FWB while we were together, but perhaps that was my mistake. As I've said many times now, I'm just trying to get a handle on what the "relationships" provide for supporters.

I do agree, however, with your assessment that you may not be able to provide the answers I'm looking for, but I do appreciate the attempts.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Actually, love is a verb. Love "the feeling" is the fruit of that verb, it does not precede it. This is common misperception in North American culture.

 

[monicaelise]

No, it's not. The verb comes from the noun, like "googling". ;)

love
/ləv/
Noun
An intense feeling of deep affection: "their love for their country".
Verb
Feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone): "do you love me?".
Synonyms
noun. affection - fondness - darling - passion
verb. like - be fond of - fancy - adore

 

[nursenurse]

Getting too technical for me, lol! How about love is a feeling that inspires action that show the feeling.

 

[PeekieBlue]

Well all I can say is, after two lovely years I started to really see the full force of combat ptsd in my partner. I decided enough is enough and although I still think of him daily and feel sad that it didn't work out I know I did everything I could as well as letting him get away with bad behaviour during therapy as I felt I should support. At the end of the day he let me down badly over our house, money and future plans.

The person I thought he was suddenly has become someone very different and I'm pleased to realise I am not a codependent and I was strong enough to walk away.

Not all supporters of combat ptsd sufferers stay forever! I think those that do are the ones in long distance relationships. I wasn't and putting up with the draining behaviour from my partner every day became too much!

At the end if the day we all have our own individual limits and I reached mine!

 

[nursenurse]

And it's not easy, we say for better or for worse, but quite frankly, it's sometimes easier for people to deal with a cancer than to deal with mental health issues. And no one should feel guilty about walking away from a relationship that is toxic and draining. Doesn't matter what the circumstances are. Sometimes it takes more inner strength to realize you can't go on with the way things are, and venture out into the unknown, than it does to stay in the relationship.

 

[monicaelise]

Doesn't matter what the circumstances are. Sometimes it takes more inner strength to realize you can't go on with the way things are, and venture out into the unknown, than it does to stay in the relationship.

I totally agree with this. This is what we did. Now, things are different and I don't have a reason to keep my distance anymore so I'm reconsidering. He wants to get together. My cancer has been dealt with, as much as it can be, and I want to go back to being alive. When I shelved everything last winter to finally take care of myself, I knew I couldn't physically get through what was coming while trying to deal with all of the things he was going through (he was going through A LOT at that time, in addition to all of the "regular" PTSD stuff). I don't know if it would be different now. I don't know if I will ever feel the way did about anything again, much less this man. I've been sitting in limbo for so long (I knew I was sick at least a year before I met him), I have no idea what I can or can't deal with anymore. I really cared about this man. He was very good to me, for the most part. Through no fault of his own, he was not going to be able to handle months of watching me be cut up and rearranged ...with no guarantee that I'd even be around at the end of all of it. I knew that so I walked away.

Now, I miss the person I met. I miss the man who wanted me when he didn't know I was sick. I don't know if I can trust the man I had to cut loose when it came time to deal with the illness. I sometimes wish he'd been as horrible as so many of the men I read about on here, but he wasn't and I can't help but wonder what things might be like now that things have calmed a bit.

Then again, what if he's worse? What if I get sick again?

 

[Court]

Getting too technical for me, lol! How about love is a feeling that inspires action that show the feeling.

Absolutely love this nursenurse I like it simple put!

 

[mixtapeheartache]

I was being metaphorical, not deciphering literal semantics. :)

But you see, how can someone "love their country" and burn their own countries flag at the same time? Or a man have a deep affection (love) for his wife, yet beat her? These are not uncommon situations. The feeling (noun), in the truest, richest, honest sense of the word, follows the action (verb).

More often than not, when we think we feel the sensation "love", the behavior / situation doesn't dictate so. But the more you *act* lovingly towards another, the more you feel the sensation. I think this is a reasonable approach in any relationship, but specifically with someone suffering from a mental illness.

Of course, this is just the opinion of simple, simple, idealistic, perhaps naive, man with codependency issues. :)

PeekieBlue, how did you detach?

 

[nursenurse]

You are dealing with so much. Did he know you were sick? And sometimes you have to take the griping with a grain of salt here, look at the type of relationships that we (or me) are addressing. When a young fluffy 20 something comes out with stars in her eyes and is in love and committed in 30 minutes, but oh my he's left me for four months, and he's treated me badly, most of us will not beat around the bush about telling that person to take a hike. And then there are those who have been living with bad behaviour, not just the crap that PTSD throws at them, but vile behaviour. Those ones are another target of the Get Out of Dodge lecture. The rest of us slog along like anyone in any relationship. We laugh, we cry, we have ups, we have downs, we support, a lot. But we do get something out of the relationship, and there is give and take. For my part, the Dude doesn't have a lot to give, there's more to his story such a crushing divorce that has left him with literally nothing. As he trusts me, he is able to give me those things you are talking about. I work so I can do mission work a few times a year. He says this is part of my job. My ex thought all I was doing was going out and having fun. Try having fun floating on the Amazon just after rainy season in July. When I questioned him (the Dude about why he thinks mission work is part of my job, he said it's what I do, makes me who I am, and is a part of me. That's just an example of ways he supports me. The kind of support I need.

I'm not sure if your cancer is considered cured, or in remission. What I want to do is tell you to throw caution to the wind and live and love. Life is too short. But I can understand your concerns. Take your time with him. Maybe it warrants just a coffee as friends. I don't know if you are setting yourself up for disappointment if you do venture out with him. Only you will know, I guess. And forget the what ifs. You can only deal in the present. the what ifs can drive you crazy. Good luck :)

 

[monicaelise]

Did he know you were sick?

No, he didn't. He kind of "stumbled" upon it one evening, and that was pretty much the beginning of the end. I knew what it was because my entire family has had to deal with, but I hadn't seen a doctor (for a variety of reasons) at that point. It ended up becoming a huge source of stress for both us. He was in the middle of a medical separation (for PTSD and a back injury) from the Marines, which ended up being held up for almost five months. He had no access to healthcare during that time, so he ran out of both the meds for the PTSD symptoms and the pain management with his back. Neither of us were sleeping at all.

We just got totally hammered with huge things on both sides at the same time. I'm not a believer in God, but I kind of wonder if fate is giving us another chance to develop some sort of relationship, even if it's just a friendship. We really do have so many things in common, beyond being screwed up. When I think about him, I don't think "I loooooove him". I think I miss my gym partner, my hiking partner, the person I could lollygag around in bed reading with, the person I watched terrible movies with, the person I felt like it was okay to be quiet with, and the person who still wants me even with my giant scars.