Relationship How Do You Let Them Go....

[Empath16]

Newbie here! Trying to cope with my recent breakup with my PTSD ex. Learned of his PTSD about a month ago after he finally took my advice & started counseling. During our 7 months of dating, we bonded very fast & love developed fast. I knew he had experienced some traumatic things & some things he experienced growing up but I had no clue how extensive his trauma was affecting him. I could see past his mask & felt there were underlying things bothering him but he was so quiet and secretive I had no way of knowing & would ask him what's wrong & he would be shocked to know that I could feel that his energy was nervous. He would tell me things in spurts. Well, needless to say that it all makes sense now that I've educated myself on PTSD & can relate all that I've encountered with him to PTSD; trust issues, secretiveness, nervous foot movement, hyper-arousal, sleeping in tight places, listening to rain or the furnace sound to go to sleep, sleep apnea& some ...all as a result of Molestation, vehicular homicide, prison, drug addicted mother & that's all he let me in on, could be more, idk.
About a month ago he had some really high stress matters with his vehicle and finances & other things he wouldn't discuss with me. Out of the blue he told me he needed space cuz he can't be the man I need right now cuz his life is messed up, he can't love me cuz he don't even love himself but he's gotta get himself together cuz he's tired of carrying around that baggage.
I thought I understood that he wanted to heal from his past but I couldn't understand why he wouldn't allow me to support it even help him thru it. He said he wanted to do it alone. Needless to say we ended back up dealing after a few days. This time it lasted almost a month and then out of the blue last Monday, he told me he didn't want to be on a relationship anymore,same reason as before but this time he told me he love me. I'm the only person that knows he's going to counseling & he said he wanted to keep it that way.
I'm so lost although I've read these forums and other websites, the way they just all of a sudden forget everything about the loving relationship & divert their focus on all that they've been through & push the partner away....I can see if the relationship was toxic & was a trigger..it's just so hard for me to process this PTSD.
Any feedback or suggestions on how to let go and move on is appreciated.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Relationships are stress. Even good ones. He may be in self preservation mode and have a need to jettison any non-survival stress.

 

[Empath16]

@Newtoptsd Thabk you for your supportive suggestions. Here is a good chunk of my experience

 

[Newtoptsd]

@Empath16

Thanks for directing me to your experience. There is no definite explanation as to why he won't let you support him, all we know is that people who suffer from PTSD Isolate from those they care about the most - I feel this is for fear of hurting loved ones during their healing period. No one can either tell you how long this will take or if when he is better he will come back.

My sufferer is significantly better than a lot of people on here, he is seeking therapy and knows when he is spiraling and checks himself into a rehabilitation center for a few weeks when this occurs. So I count myself lucky. However I do know from the small amount of time I have been isolated and he has broken up with me that I tell myself that I need to let him get better and if getting better involves me not being around because he needs to fully focus then I'm prepared to do it. Whatever it takes for him to get back on track. If at the end of it there is no relationship then I've spent the time away from my partner focusing on myself which gives me reassurance that I will be fine and I can move on.

It really is about changing your way of thinking to do what's best for both you and your sufferer. How much better will you feel if you do things for yourself which sounds selfish but by doing this you are also doing the best thing for your sufferer.

If you want to move on then move on, do not feel guilty about pulling out of this relationship all together even if he does come back. You are ultimately doing the best thing for him not just you. You will know deep down if you can do this or not? Do not get me wrong I have days/nights where I cry A LOT but that's a coping mechanism on my part, I cry more for his suffering than from him pulling away.

I don't know if any of what I am saying is helpful, but essentially you have to be as tough as old boots to be able to cope with supporting a PTSD sufferer. You know deep down whether this is for you or not?

Sending you a virtual hug!

 

[Empath16]

@Empath16

Thanks for directing me to your experience. There is no definite expla...

Thank you @Newtoptsd I truly appreciate your feedback and encouragement to cope or move past this experience.