General What Do You Let Your Sufferer Get Away With?

[Tinyflame]

Oh definitely Nicolette, I agree with that.

Sometimes even for myself, I think "when in doubt", or I'm angry, feel hurt, etc, I try to wait to "think" instead of just let my emotions take me "wherever". I can always say something later, I figure.

As far as what I do/ cause, I think I'm anything but calm at those times, so when others are it's not only much appreciated (then and later, when I can actually think more clearly and process what's going on) but I think also rubs off on me. The bigger deal they make of something, the more confused my thoughts become (and frankly, more of a mess).

 

[ldr helper]

So I new to all this. Do you find that there is an acceptable amount of time for them to isolate themselves at one time, with little to no contact?

 

[Nicolette]

Unfortunately there are no hard and fast rules for any of this............. let alone acceptable isolation as there are so many variables and contributing factors. The better managed the PTSD the more likely the isolation will be for shorter periods however if something comes out of left field and hits them then it can all go pear shaped.

 

[Iron_Angel]

Hmmm... this question hit me like a ton of bricks today.

I let my sufferer get away with not communicating with me for weeks other than by a quick e-mail with a funny picture attached or a link to an offbeat news story just as a sign of life. I have no idea what is going on with him or how he is feeling on a day to day basis.

I let him get away with dictating the parameters of our relationship, because I make no demands on him whatsoever. I suggest, but he decides where we go, what we do, and when.

I let him get away with not having to meet any of my needs, at all.

Is that being supportive of his situation?

I will not let him drink to the point of drunkenness.
I will not let him say mean things to me or otherwise abuse my kindness.
I have no fear of him ever doing it, but I would not let him physically hurt me. That would be an instant deal-breaker.

I try to make our relationship as "normal" as possible except for the areas that touch on his PTSD and where I know I have to be a lot more careful.

Even so, I find I feel pretty lonely sometimes, despite being in a relationship.

 

[MurphyJB]

Hi IronAngel.
When you asked if you catering to his every need and getting nothing in return is beig supportive...it's not. It's enabling. (I do the exact same thing) ... We have needs to. Just because we dot suffer from PTSD doesn't make our needs any less important.

 

[Iron_Angel]

Yes, MurphyJB, I think you're right. I took a step yesterday to remind him that he crossed the line of what he was saying to me. I replied assertively to an e-mail that suggested I was siding with abusers.

I am now doing the silence thing for a bit, until I see he's past that argumentative phase. Last night he sent me a picture that I think was supposed to be an apology. It's probably as close to one as I'll get, but I need to see evidence that he's out of that headspace where everyone is the enemy, including me, before I'll respond.

I lived with an alcoholic for 16 years, and learned how not to enable him. PTSD is a horse of a different color, and finding that balance between being supportive vs. helping him perpetuate his disorder is a lot trickier. Thanks for your comment, it helps! (((MurphyJB)))

 

[Srain]

This is great information. I have been dissociated and depersonalized for so many years that I feel like I'm having to relearn everything. My C met me in the midst of psyche break so has been with me all along through many different phases. I'm unsure if he is just finally let off steam now that I am coherent or what but I'm finding myself apologizing a lot and working VERY hard to keep things calm. Almost like our roles are reversed at times when we disagree:unsure:. Does this sound familiar???

Anyway, I'm working to understand and keep in mind the amount of stress he has been under for so many years with someone who was so unpredictable. I barely remember any of it but I'm sure it will come back to me as everything else is. I want only to get better so I can be available for him emotionally and not always the "sick one".

Rain

 

[Shoka]

If you don't want to end up filled with resentment, my advice is to get clear on what you will and won't accept and stick with it. For me I've found that more that I "tolerate" the less honest I'm being with him and with me. Lack of honesty and being the "martyr" in the relationship is surely the quickest way to doom the relationship.

It took me a long time to be honest about what my needs are because I was (and by the way still am sometimes) afraid that it will put him in a PTSD tailspin and or he won't be able to meet my needs and leave. It's so toxic for me not to speak up and be honest about my needs and what I will and will not tolerate. Yet after practice, it still doesn't come easy to do it.

I believe life is a learning lesson. I guess I'm going to summer school, once again.

 

[Reuben Garza]

Speaking from personal experience only, there are still many times that I am really lost and do not remember who, what, when, where, or why I am where I am. A GPS is in my near future! It is not intentional and I am learning everything I can about PTSD, as well as who I am as a person as fast as I can, and it is often humbling. You know the saying "know thy enemy"? Well, that saying, usually reserved for people in the military who are about to engage in combat, has compelled me to at least try to understand the kind of things that are common to me and my experience.
Often times it is not intentional that I do the things I do, like parking in a VAN ONLY handicap parking space only to find a ticket reminding me of such. I mean really, who can miss something like that when it is staring you in the face? Still, for the life of me I can honestly say I did not notice the VAN ONLY sign before.
Just yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about some of these things that are happening that I have been trying my best to concur, having to learn everything over since I woke up from a coma. She was quick to point out that I should be kind to myself considering the amount of things I am having to learn over, and just try to do my best.
Like I said it is humbling.
The men and women who do have somebody to rely on as they come face to face with this condition should know it takes a special commitment, whether it is of a friend or something more intimate, to develop a sense of safety, perhaps even some trust.n I don't have a partner per say, so relying on anybody else to understand this is often a futile effort. From what I have read in some of these posts, other people are experiencing the same thing(s). It is not always easy being different...

 

[IvyMillie]

This is an interesting thread for sure. I'm grateful because my husband tries to lead a good moral life. He doesn't drink excessively or swear. So he doesn't have any overtly bad behavior.

I think in our relationship I've had to accept that I really can't communicate with him about things that concern me and my feelings. So I suppose that is my sacrifice in alot of ways. I've never been with anyone else, so I don't know what living with someone without PTSD would be like. I think communication is probably a struggle in any marriage, however with PTSD I'm guessing it's even more of a struggle or an impossibility in my case.

He tends to be very moody. His moods can be very sullen, deppressed, and at times he is very angry. I just have to ride out whatever the storm may be.

I'm not able to talk to him about things so there's nothing I can do about it. Being on this forum is helping me realize that some of this is very normal with PTSD. Their need for isolation at times and the other moods are normal. I don't try to get him out of the moods.

I"m glad that many of you are able to talk about things and have open communication. That probably helps a bit. I do think that healthy boundaries are good if it becomes excessively abusive.

 

[Thynker]

It took me a while to wrap myself around the idea that I don't need to tolerate rude behavior. I'm still new to handling the situation (and keeping a level frame of mind) when my GF has her PTSD triggered.

This last week there have been a number of times where I was yelled at, or was rudely treated. For example, I was giving her information she asked for and as I was trying to relay the information she needed she began acting like I was bothering her and became overly annoyed.

I have stood up for myself, such as when she snapped at me when trying go get a tissue she asked for, and by doing so it started a fight that lead her to yelling at me "I hate you".

Since coming here, and briefly speaking to her therapist, I've learned that I don't need to be a doormat and take any type of verbal abuse or disrespect.

I'm a fairly passive and compassionate person so I do "battle" with when I need to stand up for myself and when I feel the desire to "take a high road" and let things slide. But I'm beginning to understand that by simply brushing little things that bother me aside...it will eventually lead to resentment (either in her or myself). So, I'm beginning to prepare myself for setting a better boundary for me. I can't imagine what having PTSD is like and having to deal with that sort of trama; but it isn't a free pass to treating those you love badly (or with disrespect) during episodes.

Thank you for this thread and site (BTW). It's really given me a lot of helpful information for understanding this condition better.

 

[lovehopepeace]

I have put up with a LOT since marrying. The other night though, he called me a wh*re and accused me of going to a bar and having s*x with other men. I told him I went for a walk - yes for three hours. It was to escape him because he was drinking and talking smack. I just cannot get over being called that and accused of that by my own husband. If someone can help/advise me, I could sure use it.