Ever since joining this site I've been on different levels of confusion when reading posts about...
From only my personal and private experiences with dissociation as an adult only are what I am able to share with you MisterCatLady. My sister remembers most all of the hideous and heinous details and horrific mind-blowing mental, physical and sexual abuse we both as little girls and very young girls (grade school too) and growing up together experienced and I remember so very little as doctors strongly believe I dissociated throughout most all of my little girl existence. Sister shared one such vile memory about me that she witnessed and I have no memory of this despicable event occurring to me, which fuels doctors believing that I dissociated through these horrific traumatic events.
However, I do have fragments (fractured) and pieces of our childhood's dark and nearly core being destroying memories still intact. The physical and sexual abuse and beatings and torture as a little girl I have very few memories of and my sister has most all of our horrendous memories intact and she has not sought but one session of therapy, last we spoke. We at present do not have contact and doctor says he believes it's because she remembers most - if not all of the horrible abuse we both suffered together, and also we were at times apart from one another in different rooms, vehicles, etc. Extreme mental and physical violence continued for me on up into and through my adolescence, and into adulthood, not for her that I am aware of, and I do remember most of the adult mental, physical, verbal and sexual abuse at this particular time of my life (but not all). Segments and periods of my adult life and time are distinctly missing. I drank and dissociated behind the wheel of my car for about an hour (was not blacked out for I did not crash) I was dissociated and became aware that I was lost in a county that was over an hour or so away from the county I lived in; had been out drinking with friends and they were in my car with me. Looking back, I could have killed us all. I drank to escape, yet back then I called it partying. In 1970 (?) was in backseat of car drugged/drunk and passed out - driver took stop sign as a 90 degree turn and we hit mountain. (58 stitches, hairline fracture, and concussion) as I was unwittingly trying so hard since I did not know the fullness and depth of the extreme abuse that lied beneath the surface of my mind's ability to keep all of it at bay until 1/18/96) escape the insanity of my black hell past. (Was misdiagnosed by this time and unable due to numbing rx's to deal with the violent trauma and abuse that was trying to surface) until diagnosis was corrected 3/2012) and rx's were discontinued except for a small amount of an anti-anxiety (1/2) I take at night and when I wake up in the middle of night another 1/2 pill).
As an adult the first time I was aware that my mind was able to protect me from hellish events and dissociate all on it's own (brain) was in a gastroenterologist's office on 1/18/96 when this now retired sexual pervert doctor decided to sexually assault me in his examination room and my brain (mind) shut off. Then I would be aware of his hands on my breast, and my brain again would shut off, and this occurred several times. The next time scenery changed is when I realized I was swinging my legs across examination table and was putting my feet on floor as I saw doctor standing in exam doorway with door open. I felt like I was in a dreamlike state mentally. As I passed the nurses and check-out station, I said calmly and matter of factly, "I've been raped." ...
The next time my brain dissociated was when I was planting flowers, after church in an apartment building's backyard garden, and a much older man approached me and sexually attacked me (began grabbing at my breast) and my brain just as it did in the gastro's office - shut off and I remember mentally telling myself come back, you must come back to protect yourself, and I came back he was still grabbing my breast. My brain dissociated again, and again I remember my voice within me (my will) saying go back you have to and I was again with him standing in the garden, and I told him to get away from me...
The next time I dissociated was when a car hit my bicycle a few years back and I remember at one moment being on my bicycle and seeing the car coming out of a side road, and the next conscious thought was that I knew my body was in the air and my bicycle was not under me anymore. Next conscious thought was when I was aware that I was supine on the pavement and people were all around me... (I dissociated two times during this car/bike crash).
As a little girl I was four and my sister was five and a half years old according to coroner records, and I dissociated many times as a little girl per my sister's vivid horrific recollections and in 1996, most all of my appalling and nearly unspeakable nightmares (that followed after dr. sexually assaulted me in his office) were my mind releasing despicable and core-crushing events of my little girl existence that me and my sister lived through. I remember (after reading coroner's report) that I saw through the window as they took my little four month old baby brother who had died suspiciously in his crib (child molester was in the home then).
I have not elaborated on the extreme childhood torture and violence, I am crying now, and I need to stop. I hope this helps you to some degree regarding my brief descriptions of my private hell experiences of dissociation. For this is my soul intent on this wonderful life-affirming forum - to share my experiences, strengths, shadows, valleys, and hopes and reach out to others. We whom now through this forum and all of the books and articles read; therapists; and TV national reports, etc. know that we are not mad and insane and WE ARE NOT alone with our nightmares, our hellish histories and near life-ending, and still at times life-crushing, cruel, intense, mind-bending events triggers and flashbacks we have lived through. My fervent yet for me at times shakeable belief that we (I) one second, one minute, etc. at a time can try to perhaps help someone else to try and only try to learn to live with the prolonged and complex trauma. I am consoled that some after extreme trauma are actually able to reclaim their core being and pursue goals, happiness, etc. That up to this point has not been case for me. I was told that my abuse history is one of the worst the therapist has ever heard reported (my sister went I believe one time, we do not talk) and her one appt. visit therapist also told her that her abuse history was one of the worst he had ever heard reported - that said I am taking off all of my masques on this forum's site to help me and hopefully help someone else. JadesJewel
