General What Do You Tell Your Friends And Family?!

[cynelena]

Today I have very mixed emotions and want to ask you a question(s)...what do you tell your loved ones (friends and family) about your Sufferer? Do you automatically tell them that your partner has PTSD? Do you ever tell them what PTSD is and how it affects a person? What about when your partner has an episode and they witness it? Do you ever try and defend your partner and his/her actions? Do you try and explain "why" it happens?

My BF has now had two episodes in front of two different groups of my friends and it's caused some real tension and raised concerns from them. (I've posted other messages about those on here so I'm not going to rehash those right now). I completely understand their concerns and that's what friends and family are supposed to do. They are supposed to look out for you and I am greatful for such wonderful and caring friends, but I soooooo don't want any of them to judge him soley based on two indivdual incidents.

My BF is the most caring, compassionate, thoughful, considerate, polite, and AMAZING man I have ever met and I HATE that he has PTSD! :mad: I know that he will always have PTSD and that there will be other episodes...what do I say to my loved ones? Do I say anything at all? I'm so sad for him right now. I know who he is in his heart and soul and I am sad to think that some of the people that matter most to me may never get to know any other side of him.

Please tell me how you have handled things with your family and friends.

Feeling helpless,

Cynthia

 

[ISupportHer]

Almost Nothing

Daughters know a little.

Had to confide in my parents when it was so terribly bad last year.

Any other family on my side and virtually no one on her side knows. Mother suspects she is ill but no clue of the problem or magnitude, really.

For that matter, she told me a week or so ago hat she has not told me everything.

This is how my wife wants it. It is not my secret to tell and I will not break that trust. Personally, I wish we could stop the lies but any violation of the trust would be devastating. If she felt family were talking about her and pitying her, it would be Bad!

 

[cynelena]

Thank you ISupportHer. I agree 100% that you should not break that trust. My situation differs in that he talks openly about his PTSD and he has expressed that he does not want me to keep things from my loved ones. He very much knows how important they are to me and he encourages me to maintain those relationships.

I certainly don't tell my loved ones everything....but sometimes it's just too much to handle on my own. Additionally, I know that I can not always shield or prevent the my friends or family from noticing his behavior. Then what? I think I shouldn't have rambled so much in that first post. I guess my main question is "how do you handle things after (and if) your Sufferer has an episode in front of them"?

The relationship that I was in prior to meeting my BF, I was married and with my spouse for 10yrs. My ex was an alcoholic and I isolated myself and wasn't honest with the people around me about how bad it was. I've done a lot of soul searching since then and committed to healing myself through therapy and self awareness and part of that for me is to not shut out the people that I should be leaning on.

Again, I agee whole heartedly that if your wife wants you to keep it between you and her and she's not "hurting" anyone, then you should do that, but not at the cost of your own sanity. Your wife is truly blessed to have you as a partner. I hope that you continue to be strong and that she has an easier time of sharing with you in the future. Best wishes!

 

[Shoka]

Dear Cynelena,

When I started this journey, I was secretive/protective of telling people that my sufferer had PTSD. While I am still judicious about who I tell, I have realized that harboring a "Secret" is unhealthy for me.

I have now told most of the signficant people in my life about his disorder. I tell them even though I realize that 95% of the people have no knowledge of what PTSD means. I think it's important to let others know so that you can receive some support. My logic is this: The more people know and get educated about the disorder, the easier it is for them to support you.

Best wishes to you Cynelena

Shoka

 

[Tinyflame]

I was given wise advice one time: I am (generally speaking) not required to tell all my business, as an adult, to anyone, including family.

I do not have to lie- I just have to say what I wish, not all details. For example, to answer, "Where are you going?", I could choose to answer, "Out". Period.
I do not "need" to explain or justify every action, or choice, or inaction.

 

[cerberus83]

My parents (the in-laws to my wife) know about my wife having PTSD, but they have cared enough to ask about it. However it may not help to tell everyone in the family, in our case my mother-in-law is still in denial. I would explain it to those who need to know, and leave those who have no need in the dark myself. By the way, since telling my parents about it, one of their friends was diagnosed with PTSD. My mom was happy that i had given her some understanding of PTSD, since she has now become a carer too. Hope this helps, and GOOD LUCK

 

[Butigotup]

My wife had a terrible experience with telling her own mother about the abuse that caused her PTSD, without even bringing up the diagnosis (actually, I guess she didn't have the diagnosis at that time). Since then, it's been clear that it's really part of her own healing process, deciding who can know what and when. I haven't told anyone because I don't want to alter that.

I guess, if her symptoms returned to their worst, it might help me to confide in someone and I would if I had to. But she's in treatment and doing fairly well with that, so I haven't really reached a point where I felt like I had to tell someone for the sake of my own sanity. When you ask about having an episode in front of them...well, I don't know. That hasn't happened, really, since she had the diagnosis...but then, she's excluded the most triggery people from her life and her trauma happens to be such that that's possible. I guess it isn't for many people.

 

[Pam]

Two years into our relationship, C began telling other people he had mental health issues. He just started dropping little pieces of info here and there when we were out with friends. I have been following his example by joining the conversation here and there. Now that it is out in the open, it is far less stressful. He is beginning to talk about it just when we are alone, but in much smaller chunks. Again, I am just kinda flying his wing and pacing myself to his chosen speed.

 

[refresh]

I feel its for her to tell those she feels that she trusts. It's not for me to tell anyone about, and any support I need then I find myself - usually through reading these forums actually!

She's recently let some people know, but it's been a really hard choice to make and opens up avenues for confusion and pain - something that I feel is not my place to do on her behalf.

I'm here only to offer support and help for her in order for her to rebuild the confidence and trust she's lost through PTSD, and to cross those bridges and make those achievements for herself.

Half of the battle is the publics preconception of PTSD though - it's not a "dirty" thing, or something only affecting veterans, and it doesn't mean the person is "crazy". The clue is right in the name of it - something so awful happened it causes massive stress overload. And everyone already knows about stress and how differently people cope with it. If the public in general knew that PTSD was a natural and normal defense mechanism to something incredibly traumatic, that'll be half the battle won.

 

[CCurry]

My BF got PTSD courtesy of the US Army Special Forces (25 years) and therefore some of his symptoms are quite obvious. Most people who know him know he has PTSD after all how do you explain his startled relexes when he hears a sudden noise (could be a sneeze, a phone ringing, etc.).

I'll never forget the first day he met my parents, we went out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. Our server approached D from behind to grap his napkin and in the blink of an eye D had the poor servers arm twisted with his head ending up in D's dinner plate and he was holding a butter knife to his throat. This happened in literally seconds. It was the perfect time to tell my parents that he has PTSD.

It's sort of funny now but the poor server. Needless to say he was left with a huge tip.

Whether you tell its up to you, we certainly don't have a choice.

 

[sidekick]

My husband tells people I am a moody person.

 

[cynelena]

Sidekick,

Without downplaying the severity/ sincerity of the topic...I think that's the best answer I've gotten yet.

I just may have to use that one. It isn't far from the truth and it sums it all up without being too personal. I have to say...I really do like that one. Simple and non-invasive.

How does that make you feel? Do you prefer he say that?

Thank you for sharing.

Cynthia