Sexual Assault What do you think happened?

[Suzetig]

You guys need to ease up

I think you've mistaken directness for lack of care. What @Ragdoll Circus means by building a narrative is that you've told yourself the "story" of what happened in such a way as to point to abuse. It's there in the language you use, which elicits an emotional rather than a rational/cognitive response and the way you describe it in the third person. A good example of your use of language is in the part I quoted before. While I might question the wisdom of bringing guys back to the house for sex when you've got tiny children, the kids were sleeping, she had sex, the guys left to take you home, the kids were sleeping and knew nothing about it.

Using emotive language about the woman's acceptable behaviour (having sex while her children were sleeping - isn't that when most parents have sex) takes people to a place where they think "if she would do that terrible thing what else is she capable of", when she hasn't actually done a terrible thing. The other part of that is that consensual sex with an adult, threesomes, one night stands, whatever kind of sex it was, doesn't equal someone then being capable of rape or sexual assault, which you point to with your use of language (e.g. The idea that stopping at a cemetery with a young person in the car means something sinister rather that it generally being the one place you'll be able to stop on a country road).

People telling their actual trauma history generally don't need to use language to bring out a reaction in the reader, the reaction comes because the story was so awful. And putting yourself in the third person makes it much harder to connect with what you've written. It sounds like you were scared, being taken to a remote house to look after kids you don't know for someone you don't know is all kinds of scary in and of itself. Filling in the gaps isn't helpful though, when it takes you to a place of searching for something that may really not have happened.

It's clear you have actual trauma to deal with and that's what I'd be working on. Are you still living at home with your parents? Parental substance misuse is horrible and can lead to really neglectful abusive parenting, and you have a rape that you are aware of. Work on those issues and, if there's anything else to remember, it'll come in time.

 

[Sideways]

I am fully aware that it kind of sounds like something out of a cheap horror movie.

Only because of the fluff.

What is fluff?

Instead of “It was after 1am...”, we got “11...12...1”.

Instead of “They drove me home around 2am...” we got “At 2am she climbs aboard their dark SUV...” (which may have been some other type of vehicle, and may not have been dark, but doesn’t ‘dark SUV’ have a nice impact).

Instead of “I was pretty scared” we got “Surely mum wouldn’t disregard my virtue” (like, wtf, you were babysitting for a friend of hers).

Instead of “I was disoriented”, or “I felt completely lost”, you ask us to believe that a 15 year old who goes to school everyday can’t describe where she lives. Like, not the street? Not the suburb? Yet you give the impression you can read and write pretty well.

I could keep going, but I think you get what I mean. If you take out the fluff, the creepy thing is you got driven home by a couple of guys you didn’t know. Beyond that, it’s really only creepy when you add the fluff.

But, it wouldn’t be worth hunting down a forum for ptsd sufferers with nothing more than “A couple of strangers drove me home once when I was 15...”. So, either you want to make something out of this particular incident, there’s something else entirely that you want to talk about (in which case, please please do), or you’re just entertaining yourself.

 

[GreySouled]

Wow.
I really must beg everyone's forgiveness for naively adding what details and thoughts I do remember. I'm going to have to consult my book of etiquette before I post anything else on this "support" site.

 

[GreySouled]

And @Ragdoll Circus, no I could not direct them to my house from the middle of nowhere. We were no longer in my town, and even if we were, I was only familiar with the L-shaped route that my bus took to and from school. We did not have a car, so we kids did not go anywhere other than to school. I told them my address and some of the street names I could remember.

"11...12...1" was me watching the clock and wondering what the heck was going to happen, how I was going to get home. I--- you know what? I'm not even going to waste anymore of my time with defending my statements. But I would like to thank you guys, especially you @Ragdoll Circus, for giving me a glimpse into what ppl must go through when they report their assaults to the police. Not saying what may or may not have happened here was an assault -let me clarify that before I'm actually tarred and feathered- just saying in general.

 

[Sideways]

giving me a glimpse into what ppl must go through when they report their assaults to the police.

For what it’s worth, you’re likely to get a much different response when you report an actual abuse, both from the forum and police.

What you’ve done here is give a beefed up narrative of a “creepy” experience you had 15 years ago, to a forum for people with a serious mental illness. Big difference.

Say I were to hunt down an online support forum for, say, survivors of rape. I then give an account of a night from 15 years ago that I don’t fully recall, although what I do recall has no evidence of rape whatsoever. And finally, I leave this group of rape survivors with “complete this creepy story for me...”, what kind of support do you honestly think I could reasonably expect? This isn’t a place where we predict horror stories for people, this is a place where people with a specific mental illness come for peer support for that their illness. Maybe you can’t see where I’m coming from, but what you’ve done here? It’s really not healthy, and this issue you have is much better pursued with a therapist.

 

[Suzetig]

You haven't reported or recounted an assault here. If you had you'd get a much different response.

If you think you were assaulted, working that through with a therapist is a good start. You'll find a lot of support here for the abuse you know you've suffered. Sometimes it's much easier to focus on the thing you don't remember where there's no evidence of trauma than to deal with the actual pain of stuff you know happened.

Some of the reaction is because on this site a fair few of us have been that 15 year old girl, have been led off by someone who did us harm and are dealing with the daily impact of that. It's not that you added details it's that what you wrote reads as a creepy story parody rather than an account of your experience. Perhaps it would be worth starting a new thread, stripping out the storytelling and explaining what your fears or concerns are.

 

[The Albatross]

I guess the thing that struck me was the embellishments and nuances of an event from 15 years prior. Kinda like the fish getting bigger and bigger each time the fisherman retells his story.

It is not a question of belief or disbelief per se... and healthy skepticism does not mean "disbelief". Rather, "These matters require what I think of as the Shakespearean cast of thought. That is to say, a fine credulity about everything, kept in check by a lively skepticism about everything…. It keeps you constantly alert to every possibility." (~ Robertson Davies)

I concur that there is a unhealthy perhaps beefing up here and there of the event and the "story like" stuff in the past usually means "troll". I don't think so in this case really, but.... this event aside.... with a drug addicted parent, there are very likely other situations, trauma (perhaps cuz I don't know what you've already shared), or neglect that you'd do well to work through.

I have a lot of trauma... a whole lot. Situations vary.... some things I can remember vividly. Some things I have large blank spots in my memory for weeks or months after a traumatic event. Here's the thing about stuff I can't recall clearly enough to process...
First off, it's an "unknowable" and gets struck off the list unless or until independent validation of presents itself... from people that were actually involved or bystanders or family members AT THAT TIME. If no additional info is forth coming, it's an "unknowable" and then....
Second, if my brain is obsessively or compulsively replaying the event or overthinking it then the problem is ME and my thinking style, habits and behaviors. Roll up the sleeves, and self examine the thinking styles, and endeavor to change it. Changing a habit takes 26 to 28 days, a behavior is 6 months.

 

[Scarlet13]

It is like when I read this, it seems you wanted us all to conclude you had been sexually assaulted by these two men.
Maybe you were and maybe you weren't.
Maybe they were there for awhile and you fell asleep?
I think you can do a post that addresses how frustrating it is to not remember and how the brain wants to remember.
Yes, the facts you do remember are sketchy. Strange men going upstairs with a woman while you were downstairs pretending to sleep, being out that late, being driven by people you don't know, feeling really unsafe, anger at your neglectful mom.
But, there are assumptions here. Maybe those men just simply took you home, maybe more happened.
It is healthy though to practice acceptance for the mystery here. Accept the many possibilities, maybe terrible things happened, maybe not at all. What if you actually were spared trauma? That would be good, one less trauma.
Try to remain open. Go see a therapist and process the issues here such as being in a sketchy situation and having a mom who did not care about your well being.
And then if you remember more you will have professional support to handle it.

 

[EveHarrington]

Holy shit.

I get that we are a forum of tell it like it is people, but seriously, I think that this goes beyond.....WELL BEYOND.....tough love and support not always being cuddly.

OP......you aren't the first and you won't be the last. The nasty responses you are receiving are standard when anyone comes here and uses anything but the first person (I, me, my, mine) to talk about their trauma. It seems that people don't understand a TYPICAL way of talking about trauma is to talk about it in the third person so that it doesn't hurt so bad, and doesn't feel like it happened to you. I've defended others who have done the same, just as I'm defending you.

It's a shame that some can't show compassion for those who can't yet own their trauma. I hope I never become so cynical or guarded.

 

[Suzetig]

It seems that people don't understand a TYPICAL way of talking about trauma is to talk about it in the third person so that it doesn't hurt so bad,

I think people understand full well how difficult it is to talk about your own trauma, and get that people will sometimes talk about it in the third person. The OP didn't actually talk about any trauma, they painted an emotionally driven scene and asked people to fill in the blanks for her. The OP has had good advice about dealing with the known trauma, seeking professional support and not forcing or creating memories that aren't there.

No idea why you feel the need to defend or protect her, but that's your business but to describe responses as "nasty" isn't a fair representation in my view. Someone not agreeing with you, not filling in the blanks, suggesting that you might be creating difficulties for yourself in your thinking is more supportive than going "there, there those nasty people don't get how to respond to poor traumatised souls". Especially when the OP hasn't actually identified anything more horrifying than babysitting for a stranger and being driven home.

 

[Justmehere]

gate. I understand and agree that somehow someway I could have managed to get home unharmed, but if that's the case, why don't I remember?

When I read through your post and got to this question, my first thought was that if you had prior trauma or losses, not remembering later events, even a totally safe event, is a sign of a past loss or trauma. Not a sign that other events are traumatic.

I have dissociated out memories of going to grocery stores and to lunch with friends and to class - events that were fully verified that nothing bad happened, but I still can’t remember it. I was totally safe, just triggered and my head checked out. Memory gone.

That’s how dissociation after trauma sometimes happens.

what fluff have I added? My "mother" and her husband weren't concerned because they were on drugs, were constantly bringing addicts and dealers into the house.

This is significant childhood chaos and likely neglect and other issues. This alone is enough to lead to symptoms and problems now. You are getting distracted by trying to fill in other trauma. Focus on what you do know. Work on that.

. I repressed my youngest sister's entire existence for a whole year after she was taken away by her father. Then when I remembered that I had a sister, I couldn't remember what she looked like. So any gap in my memory, especially one involving such creepy circumstances, is troubling to me.

This shows you already have a history of dissociative amnesia. This kind of condition can come up with actual trauma happening, or with later triggers (like a scary - but safe - ride home).

Don’t try to fill in the gaps or turn even real or suspected trauma this into a spooky narrative. This is important to avoid, especially when you don’t have all the facts, because it will increase symptoms. It’s a very understandable effort and I wish I could remember everything too. It’s really ok that you want to know. Just listen to the cautions about guessing or turning it all into spooky narratives like this. Many trauma therapies actually purposefully try to help someone to write such narratives *very differently* so that instead of these kinds of narratives being retraumatizing, they are actually healing.

I strongly suggest pursuing counseling for any symptoms you have now and in the past, and the clear difficulties and losses from the past that you do already remember.

If more happened trauma happened that you can’t remember now - you may or may not ever remember it. Even if you guess what happened, you may never remember it. Guessing won’t help true memories surface.

There are so many possible things that could have happened that were not nefarious that you could have forgotten and plenty of possibilities that are nefarious. A guessing game isn’t going to help you remember it and could possibly harm.

If a traumatic event happened, you are more likely to remember it if you lower stress levels and build up coping tools, and your brain no longer has to forget it to cope with it. Focus on that.

You can also heal from trauma without remembering it. It’s not a requirement for recovery to remember it all. It’s just not.

You can do a lot of harm and go through a lot of not needed suffering if you guess though. And all guesses here would just be guesses.

Focus on what you do know and healing from what you do remember.

 

[GreySouled]

Thank you so much @EveHarrington and @Justmehere for your tactful approach. I was coming back to this thread to apologize to any whom I might have offended and/or triggered when I saw your replies. I didn't have any malicious intent in asking the opinions of strangers. Yes, I could definitely have done without the harshness, and have been feeling wretched and raw - wanting to crawl out of my skin - since last night. But I'm going to try and extract from these comments what I need and choose to look at that situation 15 years ago differently. I didn't know or realize that if I repressed or dissociated during the CSA, then I could have done the same here without anything bad even happening to me. That makes sense.