Hello, everyone....
I have felt so misunderstood so very often in life. That's why I started this thread, so that I would have a chance to say aloud what is hurtful (to me) about those misunderstandings.
Here's what I wish people understood about me.
1. I am an extraordinarily sensitive and empathic human being. I fit all criteria for being a "highly sensitive person," which only means that my nervous system is on high alert all of the time. I have no idea whether or not I was born this way (apparently, about 20% of all mammals fit into this category) or whether I was groomed to be this way by having grown up in a very chaotic, chronically abusive home. Nature or nurture? I don't really know. And I no longer care. But I see, feel, hear, and sense intuitively many things that other people don't even notice. I've always been this way. I can tell when I enter a room who is sad, who is angry, who doesn't want to be there, who likes me and who doesn't. I thought everyone could do this. I now understand that not everyone can. But what it means is that I pick up other people's emotions very easily. I have extraordinary empathy, so much so that I can put myself into the shoes of any person I meet. That often makes life overwhelming for me. It's why I don't like social gatherings which are more than about 2 hours long and why I dislike crowds. It's exhausting. Also, I dislike loud noises and music, I can smell odors that others can't, perfume bothers me, my body feels every scratchy seam and tag of clothing. I feel "wired" most all of the time. I remember the very same feelings when I was a little girl. Being highly sensitive means I need to withdraw and spend time alone in order to regroup. I enjoy time alone. It's a necessity for me. Just because I don't want to attend a family gathering doesn't mean I am a weirdo or a recluse or a hermit. It doesn't mean I do so personally so that you can feel rejected. No, it simply means that I am trying hard to take care of myself, something I'm only now trying to learn.
2. I am analytical and supposedly a bright person. But so are lots of other people. I qualified for MENSA and only paid the dues for one year so as to apply for a college scholarship. What I wish people understood about me is that I don't think I am "better" than anyone else. I have tried to hide being smart my entire life. My father was always saying to me, "You think you're so much *@!*$ better than other people!" And I was just a little girl and I didn't understand why he said that to me. I never thought that at all. In fact, he had been so abusive that I thought the opposite--that I was much, much worse than the rest of the world. I have no idea why he had to put me down all the time. I learned to be a very quiet child who played alone and read a lot of books. Is that why he said I thought I was better than other people? Why did he say that to me? It was incredibly painful.
When I was in 4th grade, my teacher had psychologists brought into the school to test me for IQ. I remember all of the tests and that they took most of the day. Afterwards, all I knew was that they wanted me to advance 2 grades and go on to the 6th grade. But my father wouldn't allow it. Maybe it was a good idea in the long run, because I already felt like an ugly, little misfit. Can you imagine how much I may have felt even more so if everyone in class was 2 years older than I was? But my point is this: I have hidden and downplayed my intellect my entire life, and I did so because I was groomed to believe that there was something wrong with me for speaking up or for having opinions and expressing them. I also have had a few people in my life become angry with me because I talked about books I've read and other topics that interest me.....these people thought I was "putting them down." I remember being so shocked that they felt put down! I always included others in conversations, and I now realize that maybe those people already felt a bit of inferiority and so they assumed that I thought they weren't as smart as I was....or something similar. But that wasn't the truth at all. I never even think in terms of who is smart, who is not smart. In fact, my husband is a very poor speller, but I never thought that was an indication of his not being smart. You can be dyslexic and still be extremely smart. And who cares about IQ anyway? I don't. Being "smart" doesn't guarantee anything in this life. I still suffer from PTSD and anxiety and depression and all the repercussions of having grown up severely abused. In fact, being "smart" and analytical just means that I feel worse about myself because I feel I "should" be able to figure out a solution to feeling so bad.
I only mention this at all because I wish people knew that I have a natural gift for words and am articulate and have a good vocabulary. I can express myself fairly well, I think. But that doesn't mean anything other than that's just who I am and that happens to be a natural asset I was born with. I guess I've become really shame-based about all of this. It's probably one reason I don't speak up in a group. I'm always wondering if people think I think I'm better than they are. I guess my father really did influence me negatively. Maybe I'll just continue to stay quiet most of the time.....it's safer.
3. I live with both emotional and physical chronic pain. I don't enjoy having chronic gastrointestinal problems. I don't enjoy having a body that hurts every day. I don't enjoy PTSD. I don't enjoy anxiety and I don't enjoy depression. I try not to talk about these problems, but they affect my life every day. I do pretty well, actually, considering that I hurt most all the time. And I don't inflict my own pain upon others. I don't lash out at others because I'm having a particularly grueling day. Please understand that being in chronic pain of any kind is very tiresome and exhausting. Why not try being compassionate rather than judgmental?
4. I would love to be working outside the home. I have had jobs. And I have always put 100% of myself into every job I've ever had. But when you deal with chronic urgent diarrhea 4-9 times a day, with excruciating pain, it affects your ability to do a good job. I spent so much time in bathrooms at work, not because I wanted to but because I had no choice. And there were times a bathroom visit took 20 minutes. And there were times that right after 1 bathroom visit, 5 minutes later I had to rush to the bathroom again. And sometimes I would have to go 6 or 7 times a row, taking up an entire hour at work. That might get repeated later in the day. And the gastrointestinal problems will completely wipe you out physically because you sweat, you bend over in pain, you feel sick to your stomach, and the diarrhea itself is painful because it is mostly bile. (Sorry about "too much information," but this is the reality of my life and I feel that I have the right to express what is authentic.) After a "flare" or a "bout," I would be so exhausted, sweating, sick....and weak, that I could barely stand up, much less focus upon the job at hand.
So, please refrain from judging me unless you have lived with my pain and my own struggles. You have no idea how much it hurts to not be viewed as a contributing member of society. We are judged so often by our jobs. I have worked, but I can no longer work outside the home. That doesn't mean I am a bad person or a person who is lazy.
5. I am deeply hurt when you say unkind things. I have always been the type of person who finds no pleasure in hurting others with my words. Words are powerful, extremely so. We inflict wounds upon others with words. I simply refuse to do that, no matter how you may treat me. I will try to be honest, but I won't do so by being snarky or cruel. It's just the type of person I am. I also understand when you are being condescending and patronizing. I know when you are judging me. I also know when you are belittling me and mocking me. So why are your surprised when I don't want to spend any time around you?
6. My least favorite types of people are bullies, narcissists, and psychopaths.....and anyone who is cruel to a child. I will always stand up for the underdog, the oppressed, the poor, the abused, the mistreated. And I will not stand by without acting when I see someone being abused.
These are just some of the things I wish people understood. I sometimes feel like writing up a flyer and distributing them to people I know!........LOL........Not that it would do any good, necessarily.
I'm sure there is more I could write. And I probably will, later, as I remember more. But just writing this has helped clarify in my mind why I often feel disconnected from others. I think I am a kind and sensitive soul, and I am struggling with many issues stemming from childhood abuse and rape. I am also a very private person and often do not share those struggles.
What do you wish that others understood about you?
I have felt so misunderstood so very often in life. That's why I started this thread, so that I would have a chance to say aloud what is hurtful (to me) about those misunderstandings.
Here's what I wish people understood about me.
1. I am an extraordinarily sensitive and empathic human being. I fit all criteria for being a "highly sensitive person," which only means that my nervous system is on high alert all of the time. I have no idea whether or not I was born this way (apparently, about 20% of all mammals fit into this category) or whether I was groomed to be this way by having grown up in a very chaotic, chronically abusive home. Nature or nurture? I don't really know. And I no longer care. But I see, feel, hear, and sense intuitively many things that other people don't even notice. I've always been this way. I can tell when I enter a room who is sad, who is angry, who doesn't want to be there, who likes me and who doesn't. I thought everyone could do this. I now understand that not everyone can. But what it means is that I pick up other people's emotions very easily. I have extraordinary empathy, so much so that I can put myself into the shoes of any person I meet. That often makes life overwhelming for me. It's why I don't like social gatherings which are more than about 2 hours long and why I dislike crowds. It's exhausting. Also, I dislike loud noises and music, I can smell odors that others can't, perfume bothers me, my body feels every scratchy seam and tag of clothing. I feel "wired" most all of the time. I remember the very same feelings when I was a little girl. Being highly sensitive means I need to withdraw and spend time alone in order to regroup. I enjoy time alone. It's a necessity for me. Just because I don't want to attend a family gathering doesn't mean I am a weirdo or a recluse or a hermit. It doesn't mean I do so personally so that you can feel rejected. No, it simply means that I am trying hard to take care of myself, something I'm only now trying to learn.
2. I am analytical and supposedly a bright person. But so are lots of other people. I qualified for MENSA and only paid the dues for one year so as to apply for a college scholarship. What I wish people understood about me is that I don't think I am "better" than anyone else. I have tried to hide being smart my entire life. My father was always saying to me, "You think you're so much *@!*$ better than other people!" And I was just a little girl and I didn't understand why he said that to me. I never thought that at all. In fact, he had been so abusive that I thought the opposite--that I was much, much worse than the rest of the world. I have no idea why he had to put me down all the time. I learned to be a very quiet child who played alone and read a lot of books. Is that why he said I thought I was better than other people? Why did he say that to me? It was incredibly painful.
When I was in 4th grade, my teacher had psychologists brought into the school to test me for IQ. I remember all of the tests and that they took most of the day. Afterwards, all I knew was that they wanted me to advance 2 grades and go on to the 6th grade. But my father wouldn't allow it. Maybe it was a good idea in the long run, because I already felt like an ugly, little misfit. Can you imagine how much I may have felt even more so if everyone in class was 2 years older than I was? But my point is this: I have hidden and downplayed my intellect my entire life, and I did so because I was groomed to believe that there was something wrong with me for speaking up or for having opinions and expressing them. I also have had a few people in my life become angry with me because I talked about books I've read and other topics that interest me.....these people thought I was "putting them down." I remember being so shocked that they felt put down! I always included others in conversations, and I now realize that maybe those people already felt a bit of inferiority and so they assumed that I thought they weren't as smart as I was....or something similar. But that wasn't the truth at all. I never even think in terms of who is smart, who is not smart. In fact, my husband is a very poor speller, but I never thought that was an indication of his not being smart. You can be dyslexic and still be extremely smart. And who cares about IQ anyway? I don't. Being "smart" doesn't guarantee anything in this life. I still suffer from PTSD and anxiety and depression and all the repercussions of having grown up severely abused. In fact, being "smart" and analytical just means that I feel worse about myself because I feel I "should" be able to figure out a solution to feeling so bad.
I only mention this at all because I wish people knew that I have a natural gift for words and am articulate and have a good vocabulary. I can express myself fairly well, I think. But that doesn't mean anything other than that's just who I am and that happens to be a natural asset I was born with. I guess I've become really shame-based about all of this. It's probably one reason I don't speak up in a group. I'm always wondering if people think I think I'm better than they are. I guess my father really did influence me negatively. Maybe I'll just continue to stay quiet most of the time.....it's safer.
3. I live with both emotional and physical chronic pain. I don't enjoy having chronic gastrointestinal problems. I don't enjoy having a body that hurts every day. I don't enjoy PTSD. I don't enjoy anxiety and I don't enjoy depression. I try not to talk about these problems, but they affect my life every day. I do pretty well, actually, considering that I hurt most all the time. And I don't inflict my own pain upon others. I don't lash out at others because I'm having a particularly grueling day. Please understand that being in chronic pain of any kind is very tiresome and exhausting. Why not try being compassionate rather than judgmental?
4. I would love to be working outside the home. I have had jobs. And I have always put 100% of myself into every job I've ever had. But when you deal with chronic urgent diarrhea 4-9 times a day, with excruciating pain, it affects your ability to do a good job. I spent so much time in bathrooms at work, not because I wanted to but because I had no choice. And there were times a bathroom visit took 20 minutes. And there were times that right after 1 bathroom visit, 5 minutes later I had to rush to the bathroom again. And sometimes I would have to go 6 or 7 times a row, taking up an entire hour at work. That might get repeated later in the day. And the gastrointestinal problems will completely wipe you out physically because you sweat, you bend over in pain, you feel sick to your stomach, and the diarrhea itself is painful because it is mostly bile. (Sorry about "too much information," but this is the reality of my life and I feel that I have the right to express what is authentic.) After a "flare" or a "bout," I would be so exhausted, sweating, sick....and weak, that I could barely stand up, much less focus upon the job at hand.
So, please refrain from judging me unless you have lived with my pain and my own struggles. You have no idea how much it hurts to not be viewed as a contributing member of society. We are judged so often by our jobs. I have worked, but I can no longer work outside the home. That doesn't mean I am a bad person or a person who is lazy.
5. I am deeply hurt when you say unkind things. I have always been the type of person who finds no pleasure in hurting others with my words. Words are powerful, extremely so. We inflict wounds upon others with words. I simply refuse to do that, no matter how you may treat me. I will try to be honest, but I won't do so by being snarky or cruel. It's just the type of person I am. I also understand when you are being condescending and patronizing. I know when you are judging me. I also know when you are belittling me and mocking me. So why are your surprised when I don't want to spend any time around you?
6. My least favorite types of people are bullies, narcissists, and psychopaths.....and anyone who is cruel to a child. I will always stand up for the underdog, the oppressed, the poor, the abused, the mistreated. And I will not stand by without acting when I see someone being abused.
These are just some of the things I wish people understood. I sometimes feel like writing up a flyer and distributing them to people I know!........LOL........Not that it would do any good, necessarily.
I'm sure there is more I could write. And I probably will, later, as I remember more. But just writing this has helped clarify in my mind why I often feel disconnected from others. I think I am a kind and sensitive soul, and I am struggling with many issues stemming from childhood abuse and rape. I am also a very private person and often do not share those struggles.
What do you wish that others understood about you?
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