What does a healthy attachment to a t look like?

[UnicornSightings]

I’m just curious? I’d like that. How do I get that? :)

 

[Abstract]

Good question! I shall be watching the responses. ;)

 

[UnicornSightings]

I just thought now, what a great question for my t!!! Totally gonna ask him.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think part of it is knowing your T is a professional providing a service. Yes, he/she cares, but he/she is not your friend. On the flip side, it’s ok to care about your T, but you don’t take on any burden for how he/she feels as it’s up to him/her to manage their own feelings. If/when therapy ends, it’s healthy to mourn the end of the therapeutic relationship, but this separation is not devastating or earth shattering. It’s more along the lines of “sad”, at worst.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Is there such a thing as healthy dependency? Like I’m fiercely independent and have never been able to depend on anyone. Is that encouraged or discouraged?

 

[Changing4Best]

I think we have to depend upon them to a certain degree, also to open ourselves enough up to them that they can help us. On the other hand, we should not be so attached to them that our lives would be devastated or we would feel suicidal or something if we had to part company with them. I should know, as one chose to part company with me when she claimed she could no longer help me and that I needed another more highly trained T. I am so glad she did this.

The new one is so much better for me and more suited to my current needs. The other one was good when I had her though and I have no hard feelings, now that I am doing so well with the new one. Also, when the old one let me go, at first I was a bit hurt and miffed. However, within days I saw that it was for the best. Now for sure I know that it was for the best. Why? Because I am doing a lot better than I was when I was with the old one.

I have had several therapists over the years. Sometimes it was me that changed therapists, for instance when I moved 600 miles away from the city where so much trauma happened to me. Sometimes it was the therapist, like when one of them got a promotion and was no longer treating folks with my needs. These things happen. We need to be able to "roll with the punches" as the old saying goes.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I think we have to depend upon them to a certain degree, also to open ourselves enough up to them t...

I get this!! I had maternal attachment issues with my old t and was sooooooo upset when she ended therapy by taking a really long sabbatical. I had no intention of seeing anyone else ever again and mourned her for weeks before making an appt with a couple new ones. I had no idea that her leaving would be such a godsend.

 

[Fadeaway]

This is such an excellent question, and is something I have struggled with. The T I had before my current one, I freaked because I was feeling to attached so I ran. I felt so guilty for not telling someone who had done so much to help me why I just stopped showing up, so I told my new T upfront that I struggle with this question, so I guess time well tell.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I wish I knew, mine is very unhealthy but I am "Stuck" so there is no way to really undo it either ....sigh...

 

[Abstract]

I'm pretty much like you. I don't do attached. And I know that isn't healthy. The whole experience of therapy feels very threatening for me and counterintuitive. Not sure what is healthy though! Not the right person. I had a moment of feeling something with my last t and it freaked me out a bit. I have read some attachment stuff where they tell you to let the painful feels of attachment wash over you and engage with them and that that helps heal attachment problems. Sounds :eek: and :confused:

 

[Suzetig]

i tend to think of it like stages in childhood - when we are little we depend on our parents and get very upset very quickly if they aren't there. As time goes on we need them less and understand that when they leave they come back again, so it becomes easier to leave. As we grow we need more independence and naturally start to distance ourselves.

I don't think we return to childhood in therapy nor do I think a T should encourage childlike dependency but the relationship goes through stages. I remember feeling very attached to my T and really just wanting to be there, spending the time in between planning what I would take to sessions, wanting to contact her (and being very grateful for her clear, firm boundaries). As time passed those feelings lessened a lot.

I still see my T, I appreciate her care for me and on a very human level I love her to bits. If we ended tomorrow I would be very sad for the loss of relationship but wouldn't feel like she had abandoned me. She's an important part of my care team but she's not the whole of it.

I think healthy attachment is entirely possible but you may need to work through the other stuff to get there - I don't think dependency is always a bad thing in therapy as long as the T knows how to hold you without fostering it further.

 

[Still Standing]

Does old age change the perspective? My therapist is the age of my son. It has taken time to forget our age differences. It was/is weird to share such intimate details of trauma and abuse with a 'kid"! But, I think it has also helped me to be able to choose not to expect a deep connection to him. I have come to like him, though. And we had just discussed the therapy relationship at our last meeting. He prefers to develop a relationship that works like a team: almost equals, with the understanding that he is still the Dr. If need be, he will step into the authority role, otherwise we work together, and I can decide how fast or how slow counseling needs to go. He prods and guides when needed. If there are any attachment issues, it would be that I am so grateful for someone to talk to. When the day comes that counseling stops, I will certainly miss the relationship. It will feel like I have lost a friend...a friend who listens to me and treats me like I have a brain and some degree of smarts. To avoid getting too attached emotionally to him, I try to keep in mind, that I have employed this man for a health need, and the relationship needs to be based, first, on a professional level. In the end, he cannot be a friend outside of the office. He is my Dr. So, we keep his social information light concerning him and his family or activities. Nothing more. Anything more would threaten to cause me to want to draw closer, on a social level, and I know that would not be healthy.