Relationship What Does It Mean To "Allow Someone To Feel Vulnerable"?

[AmberL]

I've read a lot on this site about "letting your sufferer feel vulnerable." I'm not so sure I understand what this means. Where is the line between allowing vulnerability and counterproductive coddling?

 

[amethist]

Hi AmberL

My own idea of this, is to not do everything for my husband just because he has PTSD. At the beginning when he was at the worst point I did do a lot for him, as well as supporting, encouraging and reminding him of what he can do, as he slowly recovered I started pushing him to do more for himself, standing back and leaving to pick up doing more of what he used to. He is a grown adult first a PTSD sufferer second, so as an adult he should do more for himself than a child could.

I am his wife and carer, not his nurse maid or mother. This may sound harsh, but if we continue to do everything for them all the time, they will not learn to stand up on their own again. I have backed off a lot from what I used to do for him, still encouraging and supporting him, but not letting him be the sufferer he once was.

Letting them feel sorry for themselves is not good for them or you, it takes time and it is a slow process, but it can be done. They may never be back to how they were before PTSD, but they can learn how to live again, maybe not as they did, but to build a new life to be able to live a near normal life.

So if we do not push, persuade and encourage them to recover, with therapy and medication if needed, we would end up looking after them as you would a child. This is no life for you or them.

Walking on egg shells when they are ill does not help them either, they are ill and have to learn to face the world again. If we protect them from all that upsets them, it is counter productive to their healing.

We all feel vulnerable at times, even without PTSD, but we face our challenges and get through them. They can again, with help support and understanding. Sometimes a lot of tough love thrown into the mix. By this I mean refusing to do things for them, that they can do for themselves, but think they can't. Maybe because of loss of confidence, maybe because of fear, which ever way, we show them they can, then show them and tell them of their successes.

I hope this makes sense and helps just a bit.

Amethist

 

[dust]

Hi Amber,

I think that what Amethist has written is correct and just wanted to add another slant. I live with PTSD and for most of the time I am very capable. I have learnt to manage my time and stress levels - more or less. But, there are times when I may be triggered/regressed and feel more like a child than an adult - at those times I need to feel safe so that I can be vulnerable and experience the (often negative) emotions that I didn't have the opportunity to feel as a child.

Sometimes someone else pushing me out of it works, sometimes I just need to let the mood pass in it's own time and allow myself to be in that space again.

Best,

dust

 

[AmberL]

Amethist: Thank you. Very insightful. Makes a lot of sense. "Adult first...Sufferer second." I'm not sure if that's always been my approach. It will be now! I've read many of your forum posts, you inspire me on days when I feel like "I'm not emotionally equipped to handle this."

Dust: He is very capable as well, every day he gives me a reason to be proud, he's so strong. You've definitely cleared the fog as far as some of his "odd" behaviors are concerned. You've also shown me that my reactions aren't always right (I'm so bad when it comes to asking "what's wrong?").

So discretion is going to be another skill to work on.

Thank you Ladies, you're awesome!

Peace.

 

[Marley]

I just wanted to bounce in and say, sometimes the significant other feels vulnerable, doesn't feel safe, stuff like that. Am I on the right track with this discussion?