What does safety mean to you?

[Lionheart]

@Lionheart777 how I am, ...is changing for the good. I am in equestrian therapy. Quality of life moving away from poor to better.

When I was 13 years old, my safe place was a tree because nowhere else was safe for me, ....so I can relate to not ever feeling safe. However, ...It sounds to me like the equestrian therapy is helping you @recoveringfromptsd and if it is, then that makes me really happy for you. I hope things will continue to improve for you.

 

[katz]

@Lionheart777 your post I find I identify with many of your points. But for me i never feel safe, always afraid of what comes next, my boundaries are so far out that my hyper-vigilance keeps me enforcing those boundaries, in many ways they are so far out that you could say they don't exist on the horizon anymore. it gives me a poor quality of life.

But don't take what I just wrote as that is how I feel in the moment, it is how I am, and that is changing for the good. I am in equestrian therapy and it is breaking down these boundaries, they are already closer. Quality of life moving away from poor to better.

You said it very well, for me also. I don't think that I was ever safe. I have looked back and can remember sitting in the corner (hiding) in every room of our large house when I was growing up. Even in each of the closets. Sad :( What a sad memory for the house that I grew up in.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

When I was 13 years old, my safe place was a tree because nowhere else was safe for me, ....so I can relate to not ever feeling safe. However, ...It sounds to me like the equestrian therapy is helping you @recoveringfromptsd and if it is, then that makes me really happy for you. I hope things will continue to improve for you.

@Lionheart777 I suspect because its a trust relationship build without the trustworthiness, hurt, harm, betrayal, etc. that comes with humans does not exist with a horse. Horses don't do what humans do they just trust you if you earn it, and you trust them in the process. Its a level relationship. While I can get hurt with a horse, I can't the way humans hurt.

If they could only put reigns on a human, maybe I might consider trusting humans ??? again ?

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

You said it very well, for me also. I don't think that I was ever safe. I have looked back and can remember sitting in the corner (hiding) in every room of our large house when I was growing up. Even in each of the closets. Sad :( What a sad memory for the house that I grew up in.

@katz I don't think its possible to every trust again, but we learn to tolerate the risks so we can try. Even then a relationship made under those conditioned always has the potential for become a relationship with new trauma. Seems trauma comes in two flavors, that which happens over a long period of time, and that which happens over a short period of time but is severe and is present 24/7.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think I realize only today, as regards thoughts of safety for me, most of what it comes back to, or what I feel allows me to withstand life, comes from the same place, and all comes back to people. Either avoiding those who cause pain or grief at all costs (total isolation or removing myself- when no one whatsoever is near there is relief and a sense of safety for me, because 'no one'= no grief or harm), even to go so far as fantasizing about becoming totally isolated with no one able to cause pain, or even knowing I exist. Or, equally, but conversely, being with people who have the strength, courage or means to step in front of those who would cause pain or grief. Physically, +/ or emotionally +/or psychologically. Even money, or things, the need of them or sense of safety that comes from having them for me comes back to dealing with or avoiding the pain and grief others can cause.

So a sense of safety is the absence of the fear of harmful people, +/or the absence of the thoughts and feelings of the inability to deal with them on my own, or with (my) limited resources, or with the consequences of their actions.

 

[Starfish]

I think I realize only today, as regards thoughts of safety for me, most of what it comes back to, or what I feel allows me to withstand life, comes from the same place, and all comes back to people. Either avoiding those who cause pain or grief at all costs (total isolation or removing myself- when no one whatsoever is near there is relief and a sense of safety for me, because 'no one'= no grief or harm), even to go so far as fantasizing about becoming totally isolated with no one able to cause pain, or even knowing I exist. Or, equally, but conversely, being with people who have the strength, courage or means to step in front of those who would cause pain or grief. Physically, +/ or emotionally +/or psychologically. Even money, or things, the need of them or sense of safety that comes from having them for me comes back to dealing with or avoiding the pain and grief others can cause.

So a sense of safety is the absence of the fear of harmful people, +/or the absence of the thoughts and feelings of the inability to deal with them on my own, or with (my) limited resources, or with the consequences of their actions.

tinyflame, i hear ya loud and clear. The trauma that other/others inflicted on us early on has created this pattern of thinking. I have tried to avoid others but it seems I keep needing them also. So am trying to arrange my life so I can venture out into situations that I know I will feel a degree of safety. I tried isolating completely for a few years and that created other un-safe issues. Tonight I will attend an event at our local library to listen to a speaker on a subject of interest to me. I know I can say hello to anyone that I make eye contact with and I know I will walk back to my car with my heart beating, desiring to run to my car. I know I will feel better about myself that I was able to engage with society at a level comfortable to me. I have lived in a small town for over 30 years so there are people I have been involved with through the years (raising kids, work, etc) before I became so debilitated. It feels better to me to go out into the world a little and I always get rewarded with a smile here and a few words there. It is good therapy for me so I don't think the whole world out there is unsafe. I have to go out on my terms, when I do, I feel a little safer. I guess I realize the true facts are that there are a lot of safe, good-intentioned people in the world and that it is my head that is telling me otherwise so I need to give myself reality checks on a regular basis. It's taken a while to reach this compromise with myself and I am still testing the waters. Best wishes!

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @crushed
.

I tried isolating completely for a few years and that created other un-safe issues.

Can I ask for examples of what these other un-safe isuues were? Because I can't imagine any. :confused:

Thank you! :hug:

 

[Starfish]

Tinyflame, what comes up for me when I isolate for too long and let my misconceptions of how safe the people in my world outside my door are, the main thing is that I feel more miserable and start dwelling on the idea of "not wanting to be on this planet anymore". I guess the other thing is that I start feeling more and more fearful and unsafe just being in my head and letting the paranoia take over. I start shaking and my body hurts all over when I am not vigilant to take my courage and step out to do some simple "outside the house" errands, events, etc. I guess I am fortunate that this is a friendly community with the same grocery store staff for years so I generally give/get some interaction that fortifies the truth that I am safer than my mind wants me to think. Glad I do not live in a big city, that's for sure. The bottom line, despite my courage, my trust in people was severely damaged so realistically I feel this is good enough. I don't know that I will ever be able to trust to have a really close relationship of trust. I have had many and something is severely broken when I let anyone get very close so I don't even try to trigger myself that way. I have some friends that may have similar brokenness and I keep in contact periodically with those individuals and it seems to be good enough for them. Thanks for asking............definitely a work in progress. The last few days I have been doing pretty good and steady and that is a miracle. I am very careful how much I allow interaction and that is helping. Best Wishes

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@katz I don't think its possible to every trust again

Strange, replying my own post, but i felt it important to make the point I was wrong about my statement quoted above. My recent camp experience I felt naturally safe, something my brain until now could not accept would or could ever happen.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks @crushed . I see. I don't feel unsafe in my own head, nor paranoia over strangers, and I don't fear what happens to me physically if it's only me alone. I am independent and used to making do since a child. But I understand. Best wishes to you too. :hug:

Good for you @recoveringfromptsd . Am happy for you. :hug: Guess it all depends on figuring out where you belong, and where you don't.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Thanks @crushed . I see. I don't feel unsafe in my own head, nor paranoia over strangers, and I don't fear what happens to me physically if it's only me alone. I am independent and used to making do since a child. But I understand. Best wishes to you too. :hug:

Good for you @recoveringfromptsd . Am happy for you. :hug: Guess it all depends on figuring out where you belong, and where you don't.

@Tinyflame It does not mean I all of a sudden feel safe, that would be unrealistic, but its a good start for me as until now by feeling unsafe was 24/7 and my mind was fixed on that will not and cannot ever change. I wish everyone had such opportunities, abuse is so harmful its almost impossible to get over even when their is progress. Even though I felt safe for the first time in 42 years at camp, I still had problems their like flashbacks, clarity on some memories, fearing to interact at times, unable to shower due to fear of being trapped. I have more work to do on those issues next year. My therapist is already planning to work on preparing me to do that.

Some don't understand why I have such progress, when just a couple years ago I was essentially suicidal most of the time, But when I started with this therapist I had pretty much had it, and given up, and was willing to give the new T a chance to help change my path, and so I told in that first session I had a plan, I had the means, and it was foolproof. I essentially went for broke, that started an openness relationship with her, she did not have me committed, instead she has since worked hard to actually change how I feel. For the first time I shared my horrors, and emotions.

So for me it came down to all or nothing, I was "all in" as they say. At the time I had no reservations about the "nothing option". Up to that point like many others I was "just trying to live with my ptsd" but I came to a point where I was unwilling to do that anymore.

Needless to say if she ended up being like my last therapist it is obvious what could have happened. Thank heavens we are both "all in".

While I am learning how to be safer, and some of my hyper-vigilance is being broken down, and maybe some of my cognitive distortions are changing, I still have the horrors in my head of 8 sexual assaults in my lifetime and 16 months of abuse that meets the international standard for torture. I suspect I always will be suffering from those memories. 5 of those SA's were during that 16 month period, 3 were by staff where I was. It's still a lot to overcome.

It does distress me that it is rare to have things work out this way, and that others are still suffering and struggling to find a healing path. I wish I could magically transfer my gains to everyone else.

I post at this stage in hopes it will give others hope, and encouragement that some things are possible with PTSD.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yep you said a wise thing @recoveringfromptsd . Well am glad for you, am sure you deserve it. :hug: