Relationship What Gives With The "no, You!"?

[Eekboo]

Hi there! Do any of you have a sufferer who, during an argument, misattributes something they said or did to you?

For example, today my husband was yelling at me, and I asked him quietly to please lower his voice. His response was to bellow at me, "Quit being a hypocrite, im not yelling, YOU ARE!" and then he actually demanded that I address my yelling and apologize to him for yelling. I think he honestly believed thats how it happened. Really and truly, in his head, i think our lines were completely reversed.

He got more and more upset when i didnt apologize for something that i didnt do. It kinda stinks that he reacted as he did over that, but i think setting a precedent where i apologize for his outbursts would be very unhealthy.

This happens rather frequently with him, over subjects ranging from yelling to cussing to well... whatever.

I am not terribly hurt but I am so baffled right now. So, is this a common thing in ptsd? Is it maybe something else? How am i supposed to deal with this in a way that is productive?

 

[Lucycat]

I am a sufferer. What I hear as yelling is not the same as what my husband hears as yelling. This has been borne out by third party yelling ( or not) and interpretation of TV yelling. We simply see - or hear - things from a different perspective.

 

[Eekboo]

I am a sufferer. What I hear as yelling is not the same as what my husband hears as yelling. This has bee...

Interesting, and thank you. I can see how raising a voice may be a matter of personal interpretation. I am from a much quieter family than he is, and tend to be much quieter in general so this could account for some of it.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am a suffer and my husband and I definitely have a difference of opinion on yelling. I am often surprised by him when he says I am yelling. He'll say this even when I am happy about something. I think he perceives any sort of inflection in my voice as yelling. I know my voice carries. It's been a source of frustration since I was a kid.

I tend to perceive an angry voice as yelling. Even when it's not loud. I tend to pay a lot of attention to tone. My husband doesn't use a lot of inflection when he speaks, I don't don't how to explain it, but when the tone gets threatening, it feels like yelling.

 

[anthony]

This happens rather frequently with him

The best way to help get your point across, is record the conversation when you feel it will occur... then play it back to him.

 

[Eekboo]

Hmmm, now theres a possibility that i hadnt considered! I wonder if he percieves angry voices as yelling too, even when they aren't loud. Thanks for sharing, you've given me an avenue to explore on this!

 

[Eekboo]

This is a great idea! It will need to be executed rather carefully, I think-- and i may need to be patient while looking for the right time to show him the recording. Im going to give it a try, though. Thank you so much!

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet does this sometimes too... it's like he is projecting his "thing" on me. I'm the one yelling, not him. I'm the one being impatient, not him. I'm the one having "mental issues" or "freaking out", etc.

I was confused about my vet always armchair diagnosing me with mental illnesses and asked about it here (just an FYI, I don't have anything but garden variety GAD that is treated). Some of the sufferers pointed out it may be a normalizing tactic. Like in his head if he figures if I'm behaving worse than him, or have more issues than him, than he must be normal.

It's something that we're working on too. You can't really do anything in the midst of it when they are reacting, because engaging is just futility. I usually just hit the limit and remove myself from the situation, then discuss it later after he calms down.

 

[anthony]

Most phones can record to some degree nowadays, whether video and you leave it in your pocket, or if you know an argument is brewing and you pre-empt it by putting your phone on record (app or video).