What happened? Suicidally afraid of what my therapist is thinking.

[Snowflake]

I had such a great session with my therapist on Thursday. I told her what my inner child needed....to hold her bear and a blankie. I also told her she needs to do EMDR with my inner child and not with the adult. My inner child is stuck in the trauma. I thought about making a stop sign to let her know when I’m getting overwhelmed and have a little notebook to write when I cannot speak. My therapist was so supportive.

These past two weeks I have been so suicidal. With little support I reached out to my therapist I had 22 years ago who retired and moved. She was amazing and her words now are still supportive and amazing. However my current therapist wanted to read the emails-to be on the same page. I gave them to her Friday and I’m terrified about what she will think.

I also had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday and briefly mentioned a memory I’m stuck in. I left an emotional mess.

Now with the weekend-I hate weekends I just want to sleep. I have so much fear about #1 what my therapist is thinking about the emails and #2- what my psychiatrist is thinking about the memory. When I feel like this I want to die.

 

[Teamwork]

Mine like to be on the same page too. I was offered this but the other party never contacted my t so it was a lot of worry for nothing. I do not know why we worry about this. Basically one therapist reads what the other therapists is or was doing and decides dfor themselves what to take from it all. Also whenever tough stuff is being worked on I too get dangerously suicidal but it passes and I have to keep reminding myself it passes.

 

[Wendell_R]

I'm sorry that you are stuck with your old memory. I hope that you can make it through that memory soon!

Good therapists don't want your therapy to run in different directions with different people, I think, so it makes sense that your therapist would want to see the emails--not to be judgmental, just to be sure of the path you are on. In my EMDR, we often "tap in" people from my past as resources. Could you tap in your old therapist as a resource to imagine helping you?

 

[ButterflyBean]

I just want to sleep.

The weekend is a great time to do just that; sleep. Let your body do what it needs to do. Try not to fight it and just sleep as much as you need to. Also, don’t be afraid to give into the worry and fear, even cry if you need to. The body can do so much healing when given the chance for restorative sleep. Once you listen to your body and sleep, I bet you will wake up with a different perspective on the emails and memories. Hold onto the support you received during your session, and don’t be afraid to discuss the drive to sleep with your therapist. For me, feeling emotional, suicidal, and needing to sleep are signs that emotions are surfacing and need attention. From what you shared, your inner child might be trying to tell you something the only way she knows how. You are addressing her needs by being assertive regarding EMDR. Good for you! Remember, sleeping and crying are all good things in the face of trauma work and EMDR!

 

[grit]

I have never done EMDR but I know from my own therapy having the therapist directly engage my inner parts is sort of insanity making and that I, the adult, the functional part of me, needs to learn how to soothe and engage my inner parts meaningfully and safely. I am really curious what you mean when you say

I also told her she needs to do EMDR with my inner child and not with the adult. My inner child is stuck in the trauma.

If you let go your adult side or give that function fully to the therapist, who is watching you over and your inner child in the process especially when you are not in the presence of the therapist?

 

[Snowflake]

I have never done EMDR but I know from my own therapy having the therapist directly engage my inner parts is sort of insanity making and that I, the adult, the functional part of me, needs to learn how to soothe and engage my inner parts meaningfully and safely. I am really curious what you mean when you say

If you let go your adult side or give that function fully to the therapist, who is watching you over and your inner child in the process especially when you are not in the presence of the therapist?

Yes she agrees. She needs the adult to be present to protect the inner child. I just don’t feel like an adult but instead a little girl

 

[grit]

@Snowflake
I hope you are well. My previous comment had stuck on my psychic since I wrote. I have been going through my own situation and got more clarity of myself.
I am sorry I wrote my comment.ni was speaking from a moment of blindness. I still do not know anything about you or your journey and can only wish you the best.
I feel today that if trusted my therapist and trusted my own self/ego strength, I could given the right environment trust my inner child with therapist.
My previous comment was made as if trusting a person who is helping us is out to exploit which can happen but I do not want to put distrust in you.
I hope you were supported the way you wanted.