What Has Been Your Weirdest Trigger?

[alleycat]

majidah: Granted, it completely depends on who I'm with. It happens much more with my male friends than female and only ones I'm very close to (like, less than a handful total in my lifetime). Okay, so it also happens with my father but we'll pretend that doesn't count since he's the reason I do it ;) If it's a female (especially my mother) or someone who I don't give a crap what they think, oh, there's gonna be a damn good fight :D

 

[alleycat]

Sorry, my brain isn't working all that well today (makes writing a paper hard...), otherwise I would have qualified the statement to begin with :)

 

[majidah]

I completely identify with that! I don't know if my rage comes from the events I witnessed as a child but I do know that once I've ripped into someone, they normally end up in tears and I normally feel better about myself. That sounds horrible I know. It's something I wish I could change. I hate getting that mad no matter how much better I feel afterwards

 

[alleycat]

Yep, my anger is usually hairpin triggered and there's no feeling sorry afterwards. It's just "I will f*ck you up and here's how I'm going to verbally eviscerate you" :P

The freezing thing...yeah, completely due to my dad. If we'd do anything wrong, even unknowingly, chances are he'd start either yelling or outright screaming, sometimes with a good thump on the head (or a couple...). You never knew what would set him off or whether today he'd snap or not. So, guys who I've grown extremely close to? Yeah, major issues with disappointing or angering them...Whether it's accidental or not, if there's already underlying tension (say he's in a bad mood or something) and I make a mistake, it's immediate deer in the headlights imma freeze right here and not move til I know whether you're going to yell/hit me or not. :)

 

[The Albatross]

Not new... but I still haven't retrieved a memory of why it gets me... long dark hallway.

Sometimes I go with my husband when he does maintenance at our church... and to get things he needs I have to go through a long dark hallway, so dark you can't see the light switches. I get really upset and stressed about it. But I have no real memories to associate it with... I can only think it must be a childhood one. I was walking and talking at 9 months... and climbing out of the crib at a year... my parents were fighting and violent from before I was born... I don't know. But none of my youth, teen, or adult memories have anything to do with a "dark" hallway. Reasonably sure even the blocked stuff with my ex husband doesn't fit.

 

[majidah]

If it's someone I'm extremely close to, it's not so much freezing as it's that stomach churning, almost sick to my stomach feeling. However, that only lasts for a few minutes and then it turns into this, "say one word, box me in and I'll tear you to shreds" thing. I was always blamed by my grandmother for my mother's death. She used to always point out how much of a failure I was and how much of a mistake. Yet, to the counselors I was always socially "retarded" so to speak. Just never fit in because I always sent the girls crying to an adult and the boys didn't dare get close. To her I was lazy and unmotivated. The list goes on. As the years went on, everything just turned to rage I believe. I'm not sure how else to put it. When it comes to my children, I'll taste blood if anyone even comes close to a threatening tone towards them.

One of my favorite episodes that now years later brings laughter was when I was in a restaurant with a group of friends. This guy was being down right irritating, not just to me but everyone else. Everyone else though was able to pretend he didn't exist. Me? Nah, just couldn't do it. I tried. I really did. Before I could tell myself to shut up I turned to him and told him to shut up or I was going to stab him in the eye with his own dinner fork. Of course it shocked everyone at the table at first but soon everyone was rolling in laughter. My ex said I had that psycho look to me and the guy got scared enough he left. At first I was embarrassed that my anger got the best of me. However, I look back on it now and I tend to chuckle. I now understand why it is my daughter says my best friends are rage and PMS.

 

[majidah]

@ The Albatross perhaps the long dark hallways are only a symbol. When you see a long dark hallway you normally associate it with the unknown. Kind of like the boogie man will jump out at any given time. Maybe long dark hallways are just a tip to something bigger? Just a thought. I mean, I remember I used to fear water. I mean I had a fear that was so bad that I was like a cat anytime I got into water deeper than my waist. Then the one counselor that did me the most good got me to understand that the day my mother and grandfather died, it was like drowning. It was something I wanted to fight against but there was nothing I could do to surface away from the dangers that was thrown at me. So, perhaps they're a symbol to something that happened to you. Make sense?

 

[The Albatross]

Could be... but I have no memory of my early childhood at all. My memories start at around age 5. I read a Hazelden book that said if someone has a trauma in early childhood... they might not recall it but will still carry the fear response. I don't doubt that some stuff went on that was violent and traumatic in our home. My dad was beating my mom when she was pregnant with me.

 

[majidah]

I remember the murder of my mother and the suicide of my grandfather. That happened when I was just short of being two. I remember it like it was yesterday. My father to this day keeps his distance. I think I've seen him maybe 5 times throughout my life. The reason? I confronted him for everything that led up to it when I was a teenager. The confrontation was not a kind one in the least. I wish I didn't remember it so well. Have you considered any kind of hypnotic therapy? I have a friend that went through it to deal with a nightmare she had for over a year. It helped her I suppose, if you consider helping her was uncovering abuse that she blocked out. After 37 years of memories and dreams, I often wonder if the ability to block it all out isn't a blessing.

 

[LiamM]

Light pink nail polish. I had a teacher a few years back who often wore that color on her nails, and I couldn't even walk into the classroom because of it.
Criticism, any kind of criticism sets me off. I start getting flashbacks and hearing those words that tear me to pieces.
Anger. It's especially bad when I start getting angry. I actually do this really stupid thing where I do the same thing over and over when someone is getting mad at me. I think it's me trying to replace the memory of that person being angry with them having some other emotion.

 

[Amethyst]

Listening to R.E.M.'s Green album start to finish. It doesn't bother me to hear any of those songs alone or out of sequence, but hearing it in order start to finish, somewhere around Hairshirt I have the strongest urge to curl into a fetal position and stay there until I can stop clenching my jaw. *shrugs* Hm.

 

[maddog]

I think that when trauma occurs when we are pre-lingual, or too young to form any understanding or conscious retention of the event at the time, it is unlikely that we'll be able to recall it in any conscious structured way later on. For that reason, I suspect that many many childhood abuse sufferers have both conscious memories that are able to be recalled, and unexplained mysterious triggers and negative associations whose origin will often remain a mystery forever. Quite frankly, these terrify and distress me immensely, I'm not yet at the point of being able to accept and live with the knowledge that I will probably never know certain things, or have any other than incomplete understandings of other events that took place.

Maddog