What Helps Repair Inability To Connect With Others?

[Chava]

Just wondering what others have found helpful, if this has been an issue for you. I have a really hard time with eye contact and even caring about what other people are saying, not because I'm a bitch, but because too often I'm just trying to feel "safe". I do notice that when I feel safe with someone (can take YEARS), I don't have a problem making eye contact, joking around, noticing when they are struggling, and even offering a hug. But for the most part my social life is very stunted and trying to connect with others takes massive amounts of energy.

It helps for me to understand the trauma background, especially with my bigger directly life-threatening traumas happening in my first five years of life (and too many little ones like separation, negative attachment, and dissociated raging in my house). Therapists who question my fidgeting in a negative light or respond to my silence by also just shutting up and leaving me in silence really freak me out. I KNOW better but I'm super uncomfortable and can't just fix myself fast enough. Therapists who directly aim at making me more social make me feel more ashamed. I feel like I've found a therapist who can modulate this better for me and keep me somewhat connected. And we work a lot more on safety, which is what I chronically lack (so long that I didn't even know this was my thing). Some other helpful info along these lines: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/porges-polyvagal3/

I've escaped even recognizing this for years by over-working and feeling "connected" through lots of casual work-related connections...very few close relationships. Loads of busy-ness and distraction. I also had developed a way of talking to people in a detached way, which I don't want to get into here.

Does therapy help with some of this over time? Like if I can resolve some of the early traumas (they are f--ing stubborn) will I eventually feel more "safety" as a sort of default instead of constant unease? Will connecting with others and simple things like eye contact feel more natural? I don't have social anxiety disorder but do feel it as a sort of anxiety, like oddly a tiny dose of gabapentin helps me feel a little relaxed and like I can make eye contact (so really feeling how being relaxed and social engagement are connected). But so far I'm having some problems with this medication (for pain but seems to have added benefit of feeling more relaxed). So I wonder if meds help with all of this by taking the edge off and settling the anxiety for others?

I don't believe it's a cognitive thing. Even with this awareness, I can't tell myself to make eye contact with people, slow down and listen, or connect better when my whole body feels on edge or safely disconnected. My body's set point is scanning and fight-flight preparation....like I am here even when I feel relatively "good" (by my standards).

I am hoping the trauma work helps with this in time....or some combination of therapy, meds, and keeping aware and "practicing" better human connection in situations that do feel safe (like my AA meetings). I do sometimes feel like I'm too old or it's too late, but mostly I try to stay somewhat optimistic and also accepting of some of my limitations.

Has being able to more naturally connect with others improved for you (or is it also still a struggle) and what has helped without just masking the challenge?

 

[sun seeker]

Chava, what comes to mind is Laurence Heller's work on developmental trauma, particularly his book Healing Developmental Trauma. I really like his thorough, nonjudgemental approach to some of the problems you are describing. What especially called to me in your post was the part about eye contact. He suggests methods for working on this in therapy. He also has an interview on youtube which you can find by searching for the title of the book.

 

[Go Hungry]

Yeah, I have problems with this too. I don't have a problem with eye-contact really, that's never been an issue. But in terms of remembering their name or what we last talked about, that can be some real trouble. People don't like it when you have no idea who they are one week after having met them. =(

When I've been around somebody for a long time or at least gotten the chance to know them somewhat, it's not such a big thing. Then I have no troubles being social. But in general, I'll avoid people if possible. It's the same old avoidance symptoms, of being afraid I'll mess up when talking to them, and therefore totally messing up by not talking to them.

 

[shimmerz]

I have a really hard time with eye contact and even caring about what other people are saying,

I never had a problem with this .... and then, in the midst of my trauma 'stuff' I noticed I couldn't look at people and couldn't keep up with conversations. WTF???? I had no idea why until I found out, months later, that I was dissociative. As I got that under control I noticed I could 'trust' someone to see my eyes. That's just my experience. May not be yours.

I've escaped even recognizing this for years by over-working and feeling "connected" through lots of casual work-related connections...

Smart. Hadn't thought of that.

I think with a sense of safety comes a trust in oneself. Trust yourself and you can trust others. Sounds like you are really working at this and doing a great job! You may not even notice differences that have already taken place, you know, steps forward! Be patient with you. :hug::hug:

 

[WillyKat]

Very interesting post. I too have a big problem with eye contact. That is I do with most people. There are a few people...actually like two, that I don't have any problem at all.

Unfortunately I'm short on answers. I spoke about this with my shrink and we agree that it has a lot to do with shame. Looking down or away is often a sign of deference borne of shame. It sort of says that if you see into my eyes, you'll see how awful I am.

Thanks @sun seeker, I'll take a look at that book.

 

[Chava]

@sun seeker thanks....I have come across that book and am not sure why I hesitate to just order it. Maybe I'm afraid I'll find out it's more complicated than I want to know. ?? I did start watching his video though.

@Go Hungry ...I do lots of avoidance things. For me I think it's mainly because I don't want people to see me when I'm really disconnected like this...I don't want them to read me as unapproachable or feel like I'm disinterested. So it's a weird avoidance...fear of being rejected based on my inability to be present and friendly and whatever else seems necessary that I can't conjure up.

@shimmerz ...hard to know where or what is mild dissociation because it just feels like "me" or how I've been forever. It feels similar to things I know about autism spectrum, honestly, but I'm not on that spectrum. It's totally stress-dependent. But I seem to be somewhat stressed constantly. And I find relationships more stressful than comforting. I think it's felt worse in recent years because of some losses and having to recover from anorexia. I'm trying to get back into my bubble or safety capsule that allows me to observe the world from a protective distance.

 

[Chava]

I relate to the shame bit too, @WillyKat . I'm wondering lately more about the levels of stress activation. Like in no activation, or healthy baseline, our "social engagement" system is working. That's almost never the case for me. My "normal" is some level of activation (fight/flight experienced in many different ways). I feel like I've recovered from some shame, but it's certainly a part to keep working on. It's just hard to articulate lately. Disconnection itself certainly feeds into shame feelings too easily (I'm damaged beyond reach or I'm a total mistake, etc).

 

[Chava]

p.s. I don't know how much more therapy I can afford and what parts of my poor functioning I should still try to transform and what just requires better adaptation or acceptance. I think that's always the big question though (I don't expect anyone to have an answer for this). I also rarely smile. Was thinking it was all depression until looking at it all more through lens of activation (fits better with the chronic pain and other issues). Vagus nerve stuff interesting too. In early childhood I had very few "warm fuzzy" feelings from other people...very little sense of comfort or connection. Not sure if I can fix that. Still, not feeling helpless about it. Just more aware of how it's always been...I've let go of lots of distractions that masked my feelings of total isolation and loneliness.

 

[sun seeker]

Maybe I'm afraid I'll find out it's more complicated than I want to know.

It's good you are listening to your intuition. Just thought I'd say that the methods he describes are deceptively simple. My problem with it was reading it, being inspired, then let down because there are so few people trained in using the method. Glad you're watching the video!

 

[sun seeker]

I find in therapy, I'm fine keeping normal eye contact as long as I am in my controlled, adult state, talking about present-day problems (mostly). It's when I get into talking about the abuse that I'm looking at the ground most of the time.

 

[Chava]

@sun seeker ...I do think this would all make sense to my therapist. She does Somatic Experiencing and other body-focused trauma stuff. She also works with attachment issues and developmental trauma. I think maybe I feel burnt out on doing therapy maybe....like I want to fix this within a couple more months and probably that won't happen!!

There are very few relationships where eye contact feels normal and where I feel just relaxed and like "myself"....honestly I skip out on them easily. It's like I have no muscle for staying connected to people. I'm making some conscious efforts to stick with small sphere of connections but it feels tiring. Maybe it really is like working out new muscles. I don't know.

 

[sun seeker]

It's like I have no muscle for staying connected to people.

I think those muscles can develop. That is my hope and intent.

She does Somatic Experiencing and other body-focused trauma stuff.

So does mine, at least some. She's read the book, but while she feels confident in using some of its ideas, there are others she does not. There are parts of the NARM method (that's what Laurence Heller's work is) that they warn not to practice without training, and those are the parts I feel would benefit me most, darn it all.