What If A Good "part" Of You Disappears?

[Chava]

Posting here because it relates somewhat to structural dissociation and separate parts of self, but I don't want to hijack @shimmerz thread with my question (though I suppose it would fit there):

Chronic pain and stress of recent years has dragged me down. I feel pretty depressed. Therapy has helped transform lots of panic and self-destructive energy. But what I really need to find is this spiritual part of myself that was deeply connected to nature, that could feel peace and joy (I moved out into the woods and it was like I was connected to "god" or the universe by even studying a leaf or a bug...and then it just disappeared, so I never even feel like I'm "at home"...just lost and hijacked by some other version of myself).

This "part" developed roughly around ages 8-12...developmentally when kids can form a strong connection to nature....so in itself pretty normal...but it was really pronounced for me because it was like another world and a place where I found some version of inner safety. (as a kid I could roam in the woods alone and very safe, connected and in some sort of communion with everything...part of me still knows the earth supports me, but I can't seem to access that very well at all).

Right now I have an angry part that is very confused and cautious, and some sort of aloof-confident-detached adult self that does not connect with others very well but does her work very well (I sense the detachedness is somehow still protecting me because I don't have my inner resources in line...missing pieces). And in therapy I have this very young self that is trying to manage very basic things like moving within the space vs curling up in a ball and freezing, or simply trying to maintain connection to my therapist. This is roughly what I have at home too....I don't even enjoy leaving my house to hang out in my own yard, listen to birds, etc. I don't get joy out of going for walks, connecting with nature....it feels like my spiritual part just disappeared. I don't even like sunlight...just the smallest, darkest rooms in my house :O_o::eek::wtf:

This spiritual self was maybe like an EP (emotional personality) but was purely connected to nature and some abstract god energy, not other humans. So if an EP, it was all positive emotions...where my spirituality and sense of "connection" developed...so a very helpful part of myself. But it's clear to me that it was a part that developed in a specific window (like it was not part of me when I was 5 years old, but a later part I want to keep integrated into my adult self).

Will she come back? Have any of you lost helpful or good parts as you tried integrating everything? Why would she disappear? Is it just depression? Why would I want to integrate this powerless child age 0-5 with a crabby adult? All the curiosity and wonder in between seems to be missing. :(:sorry:

 

[shimmerz]

Life gets in the way doesn't it? As a kid I used to have all the neighbourhood dogs come to my house early in the morning. I snuck out as everyone was asleep. I took my allowance, walked to the store with a pack of dogs surrounding me, bought them treats, walked back home and played with them for as long as they stayed. I was very connected to peace at that time. I hadn't learned yet that peace was disrupted by pain.

Not long afterwards, the dog next door whose name was RIP, was taken from his backyard. He was one of my best friends. I grieved for him. Originally the owners came to me and asked it I had left the gate open. A fair question, but one that had me believe I was responsible for RIP having vanished. I hadn't let the gate open btw, and RIP never did return. Walking the pack of dogs was never really the same for me after this event. I think that good EP got shoved down I think she is still there and right now, given my state of feeling resentful that my life seems to be so heavy, no fun, I can feel that EP wanting to get out.

Why would I want to integrate this powerless child age 0-5 with a crabby adult? All the curiosity and wonder in between seems to be missing.

I think this might be a bit backwards in thinking about EP's (or inner child). I think the crabby adult comes because we shove the EP down so as not to get hurt. I don't think we see the long term damage done to our SELVES when we force the magical EP's down because we try to turn off short term pain. Yes, we have EP's that are out of control sad emotional angry whatever. We shouldn't forget though that we have EP's that are built on magical fantasy, ecstasy, joy, laughter, freedom too.

I am trying the 60 second rule. I let them out for 60 seconds, just so I can get used to them again. Have faith in them again. So they can have faith in me again.

Hugs to you @Chava. With you in spirit.

 

[Chava]

I think this might be a bit backwards in thinking about EP's (or inner child). I think the crabby adult comes because we shove the EP down so as not to get hurt

This makes sense. My crabby adult does not really have emotions. I'd think I was really deeply schizoid if it weren't for the fact that I know really strong feelings, and good ones, exist for me too. They are all buried together. Lots in limbo right now with doctors, therapy, insurance...maybe I resort to my totally non-emotional and non-spiritual versions when hope feels too risky (and the young frozen self and crabby adult are perfect for managing non-feeling)

thanks @shimmerz

 

[shimmerz]

when hope feels too risky

Yes. I know this affects me greatly. Good way of articulating something I couldn't quite put my finger on myself. Because I have learned with this last bout of PTSD that taking risks can have dire consequences.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

Sometimes I just step out on my porch, feel the sun on my face, the breeze, close my eyes and take a deep breathe and exhale. Even if just for a moment, it brings me peace. As a child, it was the night sky. I would lay down on the stairs outside my condo and look up at all the stars. It brought me this sense of there is so much more than this.......don't know if this helps but I do understand how hope can be scary but also so necessary.

 

[Ronin]

Short answer: If a part of me disappears (any part) and I want it back, I go on a look out. I do what I know associated with that side of me. I think of people I was with, what they taught me and how that influenced creation and formation and functioning of a side of me. Eventually I go on a look out for what new can bring that old feeling back, in a different form. And at times I mourn meantime, because some times that transition is just all that is needed for regeneration to happen on its own.

I buried my spirituality for longer than a decade. It just wasn't safe to have something nice like honest trust in the goodness of anything, let lone so big as life. It came back in small steps. (Or rather kicks. I respond to appropriately strong enough kicks well enough. :D)

 

[sun seeker]

I buried my spirituality for longer than a decade. It just wasn't safe to have something nice like honest trust in the goodness of anything, let lone so big as life. It came back in small steps.

Mine is just coming back in the last few weeks after a long hiatus. It's pretty exciting. What worries me is I don't know what I did to let it come back. I sure missed it when it was gone. I feel for you Chava but not sure what the answer is.

 

[Chava]

Thanks @shrinkingviolet . @Kaia @sun seeker .... I am taking my dog to a state park today. I do enjoy that he loves the outdoors and I know it's good for me, so I keep doing this stuff. I'm just not feeling any good or connection (why it feels like pretty standard depression, but also like the part of myself that could access these feelings is just missing).

 

[Hope4Now]

Chronic pain and stress of recent years has dragged me down. I feel pretty Link Removed. Therapy has helped transform lots of panic and self-destructive energy. But what I really need to find is this spiritual part of myself that was deeply connected to nature, that could feel peace and joy (I moved out into the woods and it was like I was connected to "god" or the universe by even studying a leaf or a bug...and then it just disappeared, so I never even feel like I'm "at home"...just lost and hijacked by some other version of myself).

I'm contemplating two different but related answers. First, I don't think parts of us actually disappear...just get covered over/muted out by other parts. As we key into SELF energy--the core/deep self--we can interact with all parts. Second, at least in my own limited experience, I think the spiritual "part" you are describing IS the SELF energy. Impossible to find when there are strong other parts (including pain stuff) that are making so much noise in our systems.

Depression? I don't really know. I started on an SSRI anti-depressant about three months ago, I think. I keyed into my SELF energy just around the same time as I hit the standard dosage that was predicted to start making an impact. Of course, I've been doing a lot of other stuff too...therapy, talking on this forum, yoga, mindfulness, etc. so, who knows whether it's pills or something else, or some combination. I did not think I was depressed. I didn't FEEL depressed. I don't feel much different than before I started the meds, but a bunch of stuff has started loosening up and integrating in my system. And, I just found out from my insurance company that my psychiatrist submitted to them a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder :wideeyed: (which caused them to deny coverage for a new med he ordered because it's only approved for bipolar and schizophrenia). I looked up the DSM-V diagnostic criteria for MDD and...who knew...I guess I do meet that diagnosis. Sheesh, once you start looking at the DSM-V, you start to realize how much flippin' overlap there is among all sorts of diagnoses.

Anyway, I think your spiritual part isn't lost. Just covered over by lots of other parts...and pain. Pain mutes out a lot of good stuff and activates a lot of other stuff. :wtf:.

 

[Chava]

Anyway, I think your spiritual part isn't lost. Just covered over by lots of other parts...and pain. Pain mutes out a lot of good stuff and activates a lot of other stuff

I relate to that real "self" energy and I think I'm in a deeply cautious and also slightly numb mode. I have been diagnosed with depression before. This time it's just not suicidal, but I can't seem to access good stuff inside me too much. Just taking care of very basics. This younger version and the early trauma stuff has only been fitting together in the last year, so I wonder if that's just sucking up more energy and caution??? It's weird how the adult version is also slightly frozen, but in the working world I can pull stuff off...just very objective and wish I could smile more. I think I need more energy from the spiritual stuff in my down time but I'm not finding it.

Maybe I need to just sort out what is "real"....like the nature connection and "one-with-everything" feelings have been real in the past, but I've also tried to absorb myself in all things spiritual as a sort of distraction, like another version of my bubble or alternate reality....allowed me to believe being a hermit is okay...like a forest monk or something. I'm seeing through distractions, which is good, but it's like I can't feel or formulate what was or is real for me, if that makes sense. I just feel very tired.

 

[Born to Run]

As you use the word spiritual I would like to look at it from a different perspective, namely the heart chakra. Before ptsd was diagnosed in me, I had started to follow trainings in telepathic animal communication; as nature and animals is what I have so far always connected with best. Animal communication works only if you can open your heart chakra, and it is amazing. Once into trauma therapy, we go into pain, fear, despair etc. I could no longer open my heart chakra, and I think it makes sense. Feeling pain or being in survival mode does not combine with feeling from your heart, and you close your heart to protect yourself. Or put differently, working on feeling unloved in the past, does not go together with an open heart. Since therapy I have not been able to feel connected to nature & animals like in the past, and I hate it. Once the pain & depression are dealt with you can start to open your heart again, as it is about love, connection, compassion, living etc. Ptsd characterises mainly the opposite: no love, no connection, no real heart felt life. It will all be there to be retrieved, like it was in the past, I am convinced about that.

 

[seedling]

I go through stages of the connectedness being accessible, then it's covered up again. Sometimes I'm afraid it won't "come back" or it wasn't real to begin with. Maybe when I reach a new level of connecting with my Self, I uncover and loosen more "yuck" to deal with. When that is cleared up it's there again, and stronger.

, I don't think parts of us actually disappear...just get covered over/muted out by other parts.

I think this is what I've experienced. Sometimes it lasts so long I forget what I felt like when the connectedness was there.

One thing I've noticed, I've had painful episodes when the connectedness happens. Like a dark defensive black wall blocking it was shattering. It was scary what was happening, but amazing at the same time. After that, the connectedness would seem to disappear and reappear without notice. After the initial pain, the connectedness was (is!) wonderful when it comes. Just can't tell when. I seem to keep looking and trying any time I get a chance.

even studying a leaf or a bug

Yes!