What If A Good "part" Of You Disappears?

[SabrinaB]

Lovely thread that touches my spiritual self deeply. Different circumstances, but similar experiences. I too developed a strong spiritual connection to nature and animals, but more toward my early teens. My spirituality deepened with the addition of religion a few years later, after losing my brother. This sustained me more than I ever realized and carried over into my adult life.

My spirituality has been my life's force for decades and has deepened over time. That is, up until everything fell apart a few years ago. Strangly I didn't even notice it was gone until recently. Probably because I was so overwhelmed with symptoms and just trying to make sense of what was happening in my body. Mostly just surviving, figuring out how to get through each day. Gradually, once I started having brief breaks of feeling more normal, I realized something was missing; I'd feel better emotionally and physically, but still wasn't myself.

I've always craved sunshine and the outdoors, but bizarrely have to push myself to just walk out the door. Once outside I feel disconnected from the beauty around me and long for the inner peace and tranquility I used to feel. Things that used to move me now feel flat and duller. There are fleeting moments when my surroundings feel vibrant and alive, but they pass all too quickly.

I've struggled to make sense of this all, so really have enjoyed hearing others perspectives. I'm of the belief that our true self and spiritual self are one in the same. We are spiritual beings on an earthly journey. Sadly, adulthood, along with the circumstances of this journey, interfere with our ability to connect with our home, our source, ourselves.

Trauma and PTSD complicate this even further. Somehow PTSD seems to cut our bodies off from our spirit, and the current medical treatment model adds to this divide. My faith though has shown me that I'm not truly cut off- it's more a delusion than reality. The analogy that's helped me grasp this is that the sun is always shining even when the clouds prevent us from seeing it. So, if I can't feel my spirit or connect with my true self I know it's still there, guiding and directing me along my path.

I think it's easier for those of us who have been traumatized, particularly at a young age, to connect with the out of body aspect of our spirituality. There's great appeal in leaving this world for one that is better, and it may have been a blessed escape in our youth, but alas it's not the path we're meant to travel. Ironically I've learned the spiritual path is actually through our bodies. Yes, the same body that causes such distress. I'm still struggling to absorb and figure this all out for myself. There are pieces to this crazy puzzle I'm certain of, but others I still need to find, so am grateful for this post and the insightful personal responses you have all shared.

 

[Powder]

My mother took my sister and I down into the river and held us under. In that river a power to fight back (action system "fight" EP) took hold of me. I felt a connection to the Warrior Spirit, and I became very strong.

Later in life, in my early 20s, I felt weak. I walked to a creek and stood by it. I didn't remember the trauma in the river or that I felt "river" gave me the 'Warrior Spirit' or perhaps the spirits of the ancestors of that river strengthened me? I do not claim to have the answers to what happened there. I only know that I became strong, I fought, and I won survival for my sister and me.

My mother came to believe that my "will (to live) was stronger than hers." This is sort of true.

Later, I went to rivers to try to reconnect (this was a subconscious choice) with my "Inner Warrior." The truth is, my Inner Warrior never left, and was always there. It is just hard for me to access that EP and now I chose to Integrate my Warrior Woman into all aspects of my being. I strengthen my:

_Kindness
_Tenderness
_Listening skills
_Self Protection and Psychic Defense Matrix and Guides
_Intellect
_Compassion
_Creativity
_Vision
_Healing

and many other things in me grow strong when I allow Warrior Woman to be awakened and illuminated in all areas and all my goals, not just "Fighting" or arguing. I allow Her to be Me and to be strong in all Parts of my life.

This is something I must continue to develop in mind and body. It is very taxing to integrate. Integration is creating pathways and access points for all parts to communicate and have Access to powers of each part, sharing.

Since my trauma was prior to age 8, sharing did not come naturally. Overcoming the primary, but healthy (age appropriate "MINE!" narcissism) and letting the older parts teach "sharing" has been a challenge for these younger parts hold many of these "gifts." Rather than having the gifts pop in at random and unconsciously, I try to allow them to be within conscious access.

I wonder if meditation for this could be developed. I would love to help co-create a meditation and affirmation for doing this work. This is part of what I'd like to do for my Ph.D.

My Husband, J. is a drummer and musician. He uses music and sound to alter and access parts of himself. I do not do this well. Music bowls me over, I lose power, I weep. I use words and vision.

In our collaboration, I hope to share with him the power of sound, making sound, and healing sound; perhaps meditation could combine these to work for both of us? He cannot visualize in guided meditation. I can. But I cannot make intuitive healing drums like he can.

Are you a musician, too? Could you take music into the forest, such as a drum circle, and create that magic for your Magical Child?

As in the Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe, access to these "worlds" within us sometimes is discovered in unexpected, accidental ways.

I also believe access is granted along the 3 levels of this dimension:

Lower: nature/animal spirits that protect soul fragments in Lower World
Middle: dreamscape: anscestors, deceased loved ones
Higher: mythic, archetypal realm/connection to universal unconscious

To access lower, guided meditations to Power Animals, and Calling power animals to help with a specific problem such as finding this "lost part" helps/works. Sometimes the animals come in dreams, very large size! Sometimes in plural, such as in threes, that is also symbolic.
With the animal, live or in dreams, or seen everyone, such as in bumper stickers or signs, comes the soul part or strength associated with it.

For example, yesterday, I meditated a bit on River and Warrior, and on the way to work, every car I was put behind had a native American, a bear, or a raven, the animals that I connect to the river trauma survival. Then, all day, a Raven was above my car, and even my daughter noticed and spoke of it. It came very close so that I could see every detail of its beauty. (note my avatar) My nickname was Raven during the 90's only by my sister, who I saved that black night. Neither of us fully remembers that night.

I also ask my departed grandparents to help me heal and reclaim my full soul, from time to time. I do not "pray to them" but I speak to them. They visit my dreams. I feel they are "with me" and others in the family for help. They can help bring back parts, shield, and make them safe to return.

I ask my angels and guides. I pray to God/Creator and my higher/timeless self. If you ask your Timeless self for something, be prepared to really "Get it" big time, and soon!

I write it down. I also write it down in my mind and "send" it to God as a spirit letter.

Whatever you spontaneously do, do it with power. The answer to your "Title question is" in short, Bring "you" back. It is as if parts of us are "taken hostage" and we must enlist spiritual help or specialist help to bring the captives home safe and sound.

(Sorry so long, it's just flowing...take for what it's worth to you.)

Also, ask that nobody be harmed and for your protection in gaining the parts back. Sometimes, others have "blocked" you from having soul parts. Breaking through these "blocks" can, I've found, cause illness and "bad JuJu" for a while while you pay the price for breaking their energetic "locks" with your spiritual dynamite. It is protective to affirm that you have a birthright to own all parts of your own soul and nobody, not even you, can hide all your parts from yourself forever without communal soul loss:)

 

[Chava]

I've always craved sunshine and the outdoors, but bizarrely have to push myself to just walk out the door

I get stuck here often. "Just surviving" is my absolutely worst, most stubborn pattern.

I've always craved sunshine and the outdoors, but bizarrely have to push myself to just walk out the door.

Me too. I do still go out but it's hard to feel disconnected...I really relate to that survival mode and I think that clutters stuff for me. It's an undertone of stress that doesn't allow me to just enjoy the present fully...or even allow myself pleasant distractions sometimes.

Ironically I've learned the spiritual path is actually through our bodies.

This makes sense and yet puzzles me at the same time...obviously where I am stuck. Just being present, in my body, not feeling like I'm fighting or just surviving....I think the sense that "everything is okay" is what I found in nature, and sometimes through art. I just don't have the okay feeling.

There are pieces to this crazy puzzle I'm certain of, but others I still need to find, so am grateful for this post and the insightful personal responses you have all shared.

One thing I've gotten better at is patience and accepting all of this as a process versus hoping to figure it all out right now. Thank you too for sharing @Sabrina

 

[Chava]

The truth is, my Inner Warrior never left, and was always there. It is just hard for me to access that EP and now I chose to Integrate my Warrior Woman into all aspects of my being.

That's awesome @Muse . I believe this stuff is still in me somewhere. It just kind of feels like my wiser, more connected little self went missing when everything got hard. I don't get it. But I do realize I'm working with other parts and pieces, mostly much younger.

Your post sounds empowered. It partly made me realize I'm afraid to even ask for anything or allow myself connection. I also have struggled with feeling like i have the will to live...like I actually survived my traumas by accident, not because of anything within me, but that I somehow cheated death...and I'm afraid Death will find out I snuck by. I'm hiding, cautiously living, so as to not be found out sometimes. Feeling free to act and feel is extremely challenging. Some deep shame attached to even feeling slightly empowered. That sounds really messed up, and I think it is, but I also can't articulate it very well. But I think this is a big part of what I'm trying to unravel, this stuff of personal power and feeling like I am fully (and not accidentally) still alive.

thanks @Muse

 

[Ronin]

@Chava, could you start thinking of how to do that 'accident' again?
I start there every time I get that feeling, that it was just an accident and not something mine. Often times it was. But there's useful details in things I've done well and helping me realize I had some hand in what is happening.

 

[Andreas Andersson]

Chronic pain and stress of recent years has dragged me down. I feel pretty depressed. Therapy has helped transform lots of panic and self-destructive energy. But what I really need to find is this spiritual part of myself that was deeply connected to nature, that could feel peace and joy (I moved out into the woods and it was like I was connected to "god" or the universe by even studying a leaf or a bug...and then it just disappeared, so I never even feel like I'm "at home"...just lost and hijacked by some other version of myself)...Will she come back? Have any of you lost helpful or good parts as you tried integrating everything? Why would she disappear? Is it just depression? Why would I want to integrate this powerless child age 0-5 with a crabby adult? All the curiosity and wonder in between seems to be missing. :(:sorry:

You've grown, you've lost your innocence and become a jaded, brooding adult with responsabilities. You're not alone :p

You sound depressed. I'm not sure how to put it in any other way, it seems like clear depression, when you lose the "light" and joy, so to speak. With depression, it feels like you're wandering in darkness with a flickering candle in your hand, instead of being a bright beacon yourself.

It's difficult to describe to a stranger how they should find joy and interest in things again, as your tools for doing so are your own.

 

[Chava]

Thanks @Kaia ...I think you're right, if I understand it. I really can't feel how I kept myself alive or had some will, but that's probably also my detachment from this more spiritual self speaking. But also, we're working through some of it in therapy, where I can locate those lost impulses where maybe I did want to fight, or tried, but just couldn't. And maybe those little impulses did help me pull forward anyway, in some way... ???

Thanks @Andreas Andersson ...yes it does feel like depression. I was diagnosed with depression many, many years ago. Then it seemed to morph into something else, sort of happy-overworking-mania (not bipolar type). But more "depressed" than jaded, since I know I've been able to experience joy and curiosity as an adult. I think it's extremely important and real for adults, maybe why I feel lost. I'm on a different pain med and oddly, feeling more relaxed helps me feel a little happier. I didn't even know I was anxious...but it all gets tied up in my muscles and comes out as exhaustion and depression. It might just be my expression of stress overload, which would be a step up from panic attacks and where I was before. But still.... :meh::meh::meh::meh::meh::meh: (I'm heavy on the meh faces today)..

 

[Ronin]

@Chava, the way I take it, you fought. You're alive, right? You fought. You're still doing it. And doing it well enough.
The maybe's and what ifs of the past better belong to the past: you did the best you could, literally: it landed you alive, and in the present time.

 

[Chava]

thanks @Kaia

 

[Ronin]

For nothing much, @Chava. ;)

 

[Powder]

Chava,

When I think "maybe it wasn't my doing that I survived," a nasty thought which has lately occurred often, I stop the thought and say to it "No." It pops back up again; I think this is my (and your) Inner Critic, kicking us where it hurts the most.

I guess I didn't go into that, but I do a lot of thought-stopping and try not to give power to these self-critical thoughts. I notice them, and I decide "not true, not accurate." Rather than being true/fair, they are "feelings" of Inner Criticism.

Lately, I note that I feel shame and self-critical about 20 times a work day. Any time I realize I can't remember or bring a thing immediately to mind, I feel stupid. I give myself No Slack. So, even though I talk empowered in my posts, my innermost, private emotions and sense of myself are very self-critical. I used to believe this made me a "harder worker" and it can, but it's also what drains me of power. So I'm working on noticing, just noticing and catching it, when these "super fast" negative self-assessments fly across my emotional radar. Its like a flash of shame. If I can't locate an email within 10 seconds, I start to beat myself up inside and my anxiety goes up so high that I become frantic.

My mother used to yell at me if I couldn't locate something. Her assessment: "You should be able to find it in less than 30 seconds!" And now, if I don't find something super fast, I have a panic attack and can't see it, when it's right in front of me.

After noticing, I trust that I'll be guided to do something to help, but I don't know yet when and what that'll be like. But I must do the work of just noticing.

Have you the energy to notice which feelings/thoughts are "programmed" that are inner critical and second nature? If you can catch it quick enough, you can reassess. This takes energy, but it will help reprogram and offer more positive energy over time, once these thoughts are told "no" and replaced with a positive self-reflection.

Back to nature, I saw am image today of a flower opening. After all it's spring here where I happen to be. Have you seen the high speed video capture of flowers opening lately? :) Notice how some explode all at once, and some sort of spiral, one petal at a time, like a vortex domino effect?

I was thinking how healing complex trauma is a slow spiral unfurling. "Only one petal opens for a person at a time" and it doesn't matter where it begins, only that it keeps going. Nobody is "doing better" than anyone else. Nobody sits in judgment over how a flower opens. They only notice its beauty. (And hopefully they don't pick it!) :)

Well, that's how I see us. It is a blessing to see life for what it is, in its savage beauty.

 

[Tanishq]

@Chava your goodness is still there, you said yourself it disappeared. Disappearance doesn't imply gone. I feel, it is there, you might need to tweak your eye-sight to see it. If something good disappears it makes me think it is still there, just we aren't aligned to see it. Time to find a new way to see it again. There might be some reason behind disappearing of goodness.

Hope this make sense to you and helps you.

Good day to you.