What If Talking Really Doesn't Help?

[scaldedsheep]

I didn't mean to sound completely heartless. I guess what I wrote kind of reads out that way. Sorry. I was forced to go to a psychologist when I was 14 and she was just like "mmmhmmm uhh-hhuhhh." and I just wanted to punch her the face. I never went back again.

 

[heidi]

I didn't mean to sound completely heartless. I guess what I wrote kind of reads out that way. Sorry. I was forced to go to a psychologist when I was 14 and she was just like "mmmhmmm uhh-hhuhhh." and I just wanted to punch her the face. I never went back again.

Don't feel bad. It's refreshing in some strange way. I think a lot of what you said is true.

 

[heidi]

I have just started on this journey and I am a bit scared as well. But after talking to a therapist last week and joining this forum, I am feeling quite empowered and happy these past few days. I think it won't hurt to try.....

Good luck. I really hope things go well. And haha..your cat.

 

[heidi]

but the person does need to be empathetic, kind, trustworthy...and non-judgmental.

So true. And I'll look over the readings.

 

[olaja]

No it did not help me. In fact, it almost got me into terrible trouble.

No.....I do DBT and find that it helps because you do not talk about events, but feelilngs and how to alter them if you must or endure them if you cant.

I am a big fan of DBT. Saved a lot of people.

I could have written this post myself! :) Talking for me was retraumatizing. My mother did "pretend" therapy on me. She also decided that she knew how to cut my hair because she watched the hairdresser. Guess which one was less traumatizing.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((Olaja))))

 

[BloomInWinter]

I didn't mean to sound completely heartless. I guess what I wrote kind of reads out that way. Sorry. I was forced to go to a psychologist when I was 14 and she was just like "mmmhmmm uhh-hhuhhh." and I just wanted to punch her the face. I never went back again.

I don't blame you! I'm sorry this was your experience.

Hope you find something that brings you profound healing.

(((((scaled sheep))))

 

[James B.]

Great posts everyone. Really stimulating thread, thank you.

Well, my hunch is that for me, having been messed up from abuse and stuff, from such an early age, that the whole thing was (just like my trauma) too complex. Talking was a step, opened a door or two. But, writing it out and therefor getting it out that way (through the medium of the written word) was far more workable and definitive, for me.

BloomInWinter wrote:

My abusers put 'introjects' into my thinking patterns that I never realized were there, nor that they were irrational, abusive, or otherwise unhealthy for me. But when I say them out loud...they really stand out.

Bloom, that really resonates with me, the phrase: "put introjects into my thinking patterns..." makes intuitive sense. Think I understand what you mean by this.

 

[shell]

I've spent a lot of time avoiding it and that doesn't work either, but if you go in with positive attitude and talk to the right person then may be things will get better. It's certainly hasn't been easy for me either, I sat there laughing last week because I couldn't face how I was really feeling, but it sure as hell caught up with me the next day. Denial and avoidance only work for so long.
It's not just us it affects, its how it then impacts the ones we really care about. I've realized it's about time I stop letting fear control me, because staying like this is even worse than talking about what happened and how I feel.

 

[Arctic]

ditto. talking to a T super helps. It will have its ups and downs, but it's integral to me functioning. Its not as scary as it seems.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I remember when my T. was working hard to help me learn that the 'Don't talk....Don't trust...don't feel" messages Adult Children operate by was a learned response that was unhealthy.

I hadn't yet been able to look him in the face....just out of the corner of my eyes a bit.

There's a therapeutic technique of 'emphatic delivery' that he uses to bridge the chasm of avoidance to the other side...the land of healing.

He said, 'You WERE TAUGHT to not talk! You WERE TAUGHT to be unhealthy! It is NOT HEALTHY for you to not talk!'

I replied... 'Nobody cares about this crap! Nobody wants to listen!'

His response...still emphatic..."VERY FEW! But nonetheless...It is NOT HEALTHY for you to keep this inside!'

I....dissociated at that but his words worked on me over the next few weeks. I still had trouble answering his questions with more than a few words. When I got up to leave, he landed a 'I can HELP YOU!' my way and I pretty much ran for the door....but, it was clear he cared and was trying.

...and it worked. I started feeling like he maybe could help me.

I know my dysfunctional family taught me to stay in the land of shame, blame, fear, hate, and distrust...because I was taught to believe that the other side was worse. I never knew what 'worse' meant.

Then...the land I was living in was not safe for my children, for me, for my marriage. I began to look at that chasm of fear, avoidance...and wondered what could possibly be on that other side?

Willingness overcame my isolation.

It helped me call out for help....and, as it turns out, my T. Is really good at shouting (not literally) across to me...

....teaching me how to build a bridge to the other side. Using the skills, talents, and strengths I already have and just didn't know it.

...Using the wreckage of the falsehoods, bad memories, abuse, distorted cognitions by challenging them, breaking them up, and transforming them to usable steps.

....and he's never wavered, clearly working from that land to build a bridge to meet me in the middle.

...and to coax me into taking the next step across.

Sometimes I run back...but I've glimpsed that other land now...and the one I came from? NOT GOOD ENOUGH. The new land of the living has SOME healthy people. Has some nice, supportive people. Some experiences that are fun! That make me feel loved and happy and worthwhile.

...Like going from a barren land full of predators to one where there is safety and help...and a tribe to sit around the fire with.

 

[heidi]

I've spent a lot of time avoiding it and that doesn't work either. Denial and avoidance only work for so long.

Well I think there's a very fine line between what is thought to be unhealthy avoidance vs. what is thought to be healthy avoidance. I think most people who have dealt with this long enough have learned the best thing you can do is to try to change the channel. And that's a therapist approved tactic (ie therapy dogs or anything that gets your mind off of things).
They say avoidance doesn't work.. but well what do you call that second form then?