What If You Don't Really Mean Anything To Anyone?

[Chava]

I see ads where they are made more powerful through connecting a kid to a parent, or a man to his girlfriend....like we can't kill that person while texting and driving because someone cares about them. What if they put me in one of those commercials? I don't matter?

I try to help out, reach out, etc. But even after I went to ER only one person, aside from my therapist, called to see how I was doing. Then nobody. My attachment style is dismissive avoidant....so I feel fine without connections. But I've lost some confidence, become more real, and am now probably more like fearful-avoidant. Friendships of any kind feel like a massive amount of work. I never learned to trust others for support or didn't believe anyone could even care about me.

I feel meaningless.
And drinking, because, what's the difference?

I know this is childish. But really, I shed the layer of over-confidence and not needing people, and realized I'm at the vulnerable point of needing others but nobody needs me. I've spent my whole life developing into an outcast. I don't know if there is a way out.

Or if I just have to accept my "normal"....like find groups things that feel meaningful, but don't push me to form close connections unless we really click. ??? I've been really alone since I was born. I don't know what to do. It should be easy, but not when you lack the self reference or any trust in people. I'm almost disinterested....not sociopath like, but like dismissive avoidant....I don't need people....and yet I'm lonely, unhappy, and my life feels meaningless. I'm drinking just to enjoy my solitude and also rebel against it (f*cked up? yeah)

Can anyone relate? Any hints for enjoying the human world a little more? I used to play in a symphony orchestra and that seemed to provide the connections I liked. I don't know how to replace that (another orchestra is not an option right now). Churches are options either. But basically, I do best with colleague-friends in structured social situations. I have a new colleague who is tons of fun, so I do look forward to working with her, laughing, and just being inspired...she is so talented and full of joy. I need to notice these relationships and nurture them. But even when I have connections like that, I fail....

Rambling, can't explain further. But let me know if you relate and if you've found things that work for you? Or are you okay being sort of a hermit? And what makes that okay for you? What makes your life meaningful with others, and alone? Or if you relate to deep avoidance (like avoidant attachment since birth), how do you work out feeling connected to others? Do you look for one or two close friends or are you better in groups but not really friends with any of them? (sorry for the huge questions..answer only what you feel like answering, and I'd appreciate so much....)

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Sounds similar to how I am. I don't mind being alone, but, at the same time, humans are hardwired to seek the companionship of at least one person. Grouping together was how humans survived in ancient times, so it is sort of a primordial instinct. I do okay with a significant other, and a few immediate family members, but I do not require a big social network. Sometimes, the loneliness is almost unbearable, but, as I often say..Better the ache of loneliness, than the sting of betrayal. Maybe..just maybe, someone will come along that is halfway compatible for me someday, but I am not holding my breath. I have pretty much given up looking.
P.S. Beware the alcohol. It eases your mind at first, but when the effect starts wearing off, it enhances your depression.

 

[Chava]

I know to beware...long time alcoholic. It honestly matters nothing to anyone if I'm drunk tonight. Just have be careful I don't start wrecking my life and the lives of those I somewhat affect (no family but I do work and enjoy my work).

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I know to beware...long time alcoholic. It honestly matters nothing to anyone if I'm drunk tonight. Just h...

If you are an alcoholic, you are doing the worst possible thing that you can do by drinking again. My father was a lifelong alcoholic. I have self medicated in the past, but it will just make things worse. Even in the depths of our despair, there is always someone out there who cares. I care, and I don't even know you. We have a kindredship because we share many of the same pains. I am sure others on this site are able to feel the same way and provide caring.

 

[joeylittle]

@Chava, I connect to so much of what you are saying. I've been reaching out diligently for three, four weeks now. This past week something happened that was a major, major crisis event for me. I don't have a big circle I can reach out to, but literally no-one has been able to even make 10 minutes to talk with me, let alone come and sit with me. It's always been mostly like this, but right now it seems extremely bleak.

I don't know the answer. I am exhausted from being alone. I try and connect with my animals, because they are always there - but it's not the same. I could not tell you the last time a human being who was not a doctor touched me in any way - my arm, shoulder, hug, hand, nothing.

I'm sorry you can't play anymore. The community of an orchestra is really unique and wonderful - you are there with people, and yet, not really pressured to do anything except play well -and everyone is speaking at the same time, except its music, and its beautiful.

Your colleague sounds like a nice person, and it's really great that you can see the joy that could be in that relationship.

I wish I had actual advice, but all I can say is, I know what this feels like, and I'm really sorry you are feeling it, because it's a miserable, miserable thing.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Chava commercials don't indicate real life. Appearances often don't either. But I get it, I have only one sister wherein I'm more a target than a care. And people diverge, interests diverge, even boredom sets in.

Sometimes I think or feel it's not worth the trouble. It's becoming easier to walk away from a lot.

Why I think you hugely matter to others (one example) is here you give such support & kindness with such great honesty & candor.

I know being addicted to ciggies, when I'm out or quit my mind finds ways to get to the ciggies even if I forfeit people to do so.

:hug:

 

[Fadeaway]

Yes, I do know. I was an only child raised in a very rural area by people who didn't want me there and worked very hard to pretend I didn't exist. I never really learned how to connect with people or make friends. As an adult I spent about 7 years of isolation. Sometimes it was by choice, but other times I tried to connect with people, I just arrrg, I don't know...

I don't have any family, my relationship with my husband is currently at apathy level, and all my friends are on-line, no one that I really talk to face to face. Some days this is how I like it, and other days I hate it and feel very lonely. Unfortunately, as far as friendships go, I need people who wouldn't bat an eye if I disappeared off their radar for a few weeks at a time.

Truthfully, I could be kidnapped right now or die and no one would report me missing.

 

[Friday]

What if I really don't mean anything to anyone?

Been there, done that. My value isn't determined by others.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

I'm at the vulnerable point of needing others but nobody needs me.

Get that stick out @Chava and go find some kids that need someone to learn from, give freely of the gifts you have.

 

[illusionist]

I used to do a lot of charity work....it got me out there connecting with people and because of boundaries which were enforced with the companies, I was able to give what I could give, at arms length. It really does put to good use that feeling of being needed....and you can make a difference to someone's life...as well as your own....I learned so much about myself....and it was a huge learning curb regarding boundaries and what is healthy and helpful, both for myself and others.

 

[Chava]

I don't know the answer. I am exhausted from being alone. I try and connect with my animals, because they are always there - but it's not the same. I could not tell you the last time a human being who was not a doctor touched me in any way - my arm, shoulder, hug, hand, nothing.

I have noticed I have been able to connect better to my pets, so something has been shifting. It's also highlighted something for me...now wonder I feel lonely and disconnected if I can't even connect with the snuggly lovable pets right with me (I do take good care of them and they are also good buddies to each other...it's just been more recently that I just let myself lay on the floor and just hug my dog and just stay there).

My therapist is able to use some touch and I try to internalize that. But that's another interesting thing (learning a lot about myself)...I don't internalize touch or good feelings easily. I've done a little better trying to remember or call up good feelings. I also find it soothing to wrap my arm in athletic tape and contain/hold it that way. It helps that hugging feels okay after an AA meeting...I'm even pretty good at initiating it. Sometimes I just need a hug.... I wish you had a place to get a hug. I'd give you one if I could for sure.

I'm sorry you can't play anymore. The community of an orchestra is really unique and wonderful - you are there with people, and yet, not really pressured to do anything except play well -and everyone is speaking at the same time, except its music, and its beautiful.

You explain this well. I've tried filling this void but it's really impossible. I have to fill it with many separate pieces. But the experience simply can't be duplicated elsewhere. I leaned on it very heavily for identity, community, and being part of something bigger than myself. I have to find all of that outside the orchestra now and it's very scattered. I don't know who I am without it...surprised I've been hanging on since it's really the only reason I didn't kill myself years ago, and why I got sober. It was a world totally apart from how I felt in my family. Everything just made sense. I really belonged too...even when I'd f*ck up a passage, I felt like I deserved all of those good feelings...really great feelings. I could go weeks and months and years without feeling like I really had a friend to lean on, but these experiences were always restorative. I am trying hard to figure out what I need now. But I'm really f*cking confused!

Thanks @joeylittle :hug:

 

[Chava]

Truthfully, I could be kidnapped right now or die and no one would report me missing.

That's how it has felt for me often too. I don't so much need approval from others, but that idea that we exist to ourselves through existing in the world (to others, etc). I didn't get that experience as a young kid...felt very invisible at best and like I wanted to be invisible on the bad days....so the sense of not existing. That's probably the most terrible feeling for me and I still have to work on recognizing it and getting grounded.

I've been isolated for most of life. Years and years go by. I'm getting better at knowing where I can reach out but it feels very hard to do and like anyone would help me out of some sense of obligation and not because they could actually care. So I bump into my feelings of being a burden too, even if it's not legit. It's hard to believe people can care.