What If You Don't Really Mean Anything To Anyone?

[Tinyflame]

Very well said ^ @Chava . Yes me too. Not sure if a sense of not existing (being invisible) or somewhat existing (which carries with it the fear of a voice or fear of consequences of a voice?) is more difficult to manage? :confused:

:hug: 's.

 

[Chava]

Not sure if a sense of not existing (being invisible) or somewhat existing (which carries with it the fear of a voice or fear of consequences of a voice?) is more difficult to manage

Good question. For me it feels like "somewhat existing" is more difficult to manage, quite messy sometimes, but I believe very worth the effort. Not existing is painful yet "safe"....just one of those things/habits/feelings that isn't working well long term but I go there so easily.

 

[reallydown]

Great thread. I honestly don't know...I can relate on many levels. Sometimes people just don't get me and this isn't even PTSD related...and normally, I don't really care...but then there are those times when I wonder...what if someone did? But the lack of trust etc also messes with me and I don't...or didn't let anyone get too close and if I did, I'd often do something to drive them away...I do have one (or maybe 2 or 3?) friends but it still often feels like I'm always there for them and when I really need them, they aren't there for me. A few years ago, I also let a couple of others in and developed a close friendship (and more) with one but it led to a big mess and several months of no communication and a lot of pain etc which made me want to isolate etc again (it's a long, complicated story)...but recently, I've reconnected with that person and while things are still difficult, I find things a little more bearable...

Having said all that, I still often feel alone...not necessarily lonely...but alone.

 

[Gadgie]

I have felt isolated ever since my wife passed, and her family really turned on me, in such a way that it's unbelievable, if I told you!

I have no contact with them at all now, which for me is a good thing, but I do miss the grandchildren.

I've got a good idea of what they told them when they asked, "why don't we see granda any more?"

After being a 24/7 carer for the past eight years, and never getting out of the house, unless I had to go to the shop for food, or the chemist to pick up medication for my wife.

It felt like being under house arrest, and none of her family were of any help, as regards to staying with her to allow me to sleep, or go out anywhere.

It was only in the last couple of weeks before the end, that they started coming round to visit her, in fact, I've since found out that was when they started turning my wife against me.

So now, I feel like I've been made redundant, and if I was "to go" no one would miss me, apart from my sister, who lives in Holland.

 

[Chava]

@reallydown thank you.... I also feel alone (most of the time), but not necessarily lonely. It's hard to work on relationship stuff because I'm so deeply adapted to being alone. Plenty of basic non-PTSD introversion. But I just don't really connect with others well and often don't have the interest. Then some days it all bites me in the ass and I feel like my life is a total void and I'm a waste.

@Gadgie I'm sorry that all sounds really terrible, confusing, and very life-altering. Many hard changes. I think one of my sisters would miss me too. I wish we were physically closer (different coasts).

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Oh man ... I feel lonely all the time. I had a nightmare last night that I died in my apartment and no one found me. But I'm actually really connected to people; I have any friends and make sure to see or talk to a friend every day. But loneliness pervades anyways. I can't shake how to stop feeling lonely, even when other people are around.

 

[Chava]

@theshadowoftheliving ...do you really feel "connected" or are you just around people often, or around them with sort of a surface version of yourself (if that makes sense)? I can be around others and be in a bubble without quite realizing it. So even around others, it's very hard to feel the connection. I also tend to not feel connected at all as soon as I leave or someone else leaves (like an object permanency thing). The connection isn't real anymore (it gets kind of weird...but I heard this was sometimes a trait in BPD, though I don't have BPD...but likely a similar early developmental thing in relation to my early connections)

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

It's a little of all of the above, @Chava. I find I can't really express my true self with most people (who wants to be around someone that is crying and panicked all the time?) and so I tend to stay a little withdrawn. But I also tend to panic the minute they disappear, ie one of us goes home. And then, to top it all off, I get incredibly overwhelmed when I AM around people for a long time, and want to withdraw myself. Tricky balance I haven't been able to figure out.

 

[Chava]

I understand that. I'm super over medicated at the moment but want to say....hang in there....this stuff can be worked through, but it takes time, patience, self compassion....

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

You too, Chava, you too. Hang in there.

 

[invisable]

I see ads where they are made more powerful through connecting a kid to a parent, or a man to his girlfrie...

Yes I know how you feel

 

[Gadgie]

I'm getting used to the loneliness a bit better now, but that's because I can go outside during the day, and keep myself busy pottering about in the garden, it will be different when winter sets in?

I still talk to my wife sometimes, as if she was here with me, daft I know but it makes me fell better.