What Is A " Core "?

[StellaBlue]

So, in that regard, I know there are aspects of me that don't have a "before depression" memory. This makes it hard to know whether I'm expecting enough out of myself or my medication, because to me the world is always grey, it's just a question of darker or lighter.

I can relate to this...only I'm definitely not depressed now. And it feels...like I'm solid. Before my self perception ranged from "I'm invisible" to "I'm transparent". I mean this sort of literally, it's hard to explain. I don't have any pre-trauma memories of being happy and I figured the best I could hope for was "not unhappy". But things have shifted - therapy, DBT, this forum have all helped...but what truly helped was recognizing that all of these issues - eating disorder, dissociating, depression, drinking - all of them - were not the problem (indeed, they were causing problems, no question there) - they were symptoms of PTSD. This was my light bulb moment and probably what most motivated me to be able to change the behaviors that were ineffective.

Have I processed the trauma(s)? No. Will I? I don't know. I'm in a really ambivalent place about that right now. Probably because I now have a sense of a solid self and I like that and I'm really wary about getting sucked back down that rabbit hole.

Sorry for the long ramble, hopefully it's on topic (it seemed to me to be).

 

[rightkindofme]

Seems relevant to me @StellaBlue.

I am definitely someone who says this. I say/think/believe I don't have a core personality. Everyone manages their lives differently. I... blow with the winds. I am terribly, awfully changeable. I am getting more consistent as I get older (I'm 33) but it's really hard for me. My therapist describes it as, "like DID but fully integrated". So it is like I have multiple personalities and I have full awareness of all of the different options, I can't always access them on command but I'm fully aware of my range of behaviors and I do a very high level of picking the right personality for the right space. Yes, I know everyone does this to some degree. Most people have different selves they present to their grandmother vs. their boyfriend/girlfriend. Yes, I know. I'm... really extreme.

I am very attention seeking and I desperately crave validation and approval. Unfortunately many of the ways I was specifically taught to seek attention are completely inappropriate in most settings. So I've had to learn how to switch between entirely opposite sets of behaviors.

For example: I home school my kids and spend a lot of time with highly religious people. I'm also perverted as heck and I've taught bondage and suspension at international bdsm conventions. I have highly different behavior modes. Unfortunately I'm not 100% in control of when I say what. I have some awful slips sometimes.

I really struggle with figuring out what is appropriate for whom and when. I have a variety of ways I deal with this and it can be kind of hard to deal with me because I vary so much in my responses. I have a freakish number of triggers and I'm teasing them out slowly over time. I had a lot of variety of traumas so I'm "sensitive" about so many things that people have a hard time handling me. I flip out and will sometimes literally scream at people if they touch on a big trigger. I'm not proud and I'm better than I used to be. I am improving. I have more self control. It's hard. It is hard to be ok with the fact that I'm not where I want to be but still give myself some credit for making progress. All I see are the failures.

I feel a lot of weird self hatred because I am managing to make myself wealthy (apparently I don't suck at saving money and investing) but I feel like I am still a dirty and disgusting person who should be homeless and stealing food to eat.

I don't know how to feel "ok" with the level of privilege I have. I feel horrible anxiety around feeling like I am about to get thrown out or punished or or or. I feel like I will mess everything up. Everything will blow up and it will be all my fault.

I don't have a core self who feels deserving of love. I think I'm a monster who should be shot for the good of humanity. Even though the most horrible thing I've done in recent years is yell at people. I don't yell that much. Everyone who knows me feels the need to comment on how little yelling I do now compared to in the past. It's awkward. "Good job, Krissy! You've really developed a lot more self control." Oh gee, thanks?

I feel like I'm "passing" more as a "normal" person and I'm not sure if that is good or bad.

Man I feel like a mess. But I behave better in person! My anxiety manifests very differently these days...

I have felt awful all day physically. I feel like someone has been beating the back of my head with a hammer. I'm freaking out because I feel so unworthy and disgusting and I shouldn't be having good things happen to me.

Like: next month I'm on a panel at a writing conference to talk about imposter syndrome. Because I still don't feel like I get to call myself a "writer" even though I've written two books and one has been bought by over 1600 people. Dude. What makes someone a writer then?! Then my husband and I are giving a speech at a difference conference about sustainable ambition. Because the conference organizers sought us out and asked us to speak.

And of course now I feel disgusting and dirty and like I should hide in the closet and cut myself and .......


AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH I hate my brain.

 

[Chava]

I don't connect the concept to beliefs and thoughts. I have a lot of beliefs and opinions and some very strong values. For me it's more like chronic emptiness or never having existed. The beliefs and values give me some sense of constancy through changes but I can still feel quite empty and unable to support myself from the inside out. That's just sort of how I understand it. Also, there might be some tiny core to my being but pretty much nobody ever knows about it or ever did...it does not exist well in relationship because it never did and it is too protected. Without existing within relationship, it's easy to feel like it's not there, if that makes any sense. I relate a lot to feelings of invisibility, emptiness, void, and disappearing...like the blank stare into blankness...that is what I am filled with sometimes, there isn't anything else.

Good question..

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I... blow with the winds. I am terribly, awfully changeable.

Ditto.

I do feel like I change a lot. I am like a chameleon at times who does whatever she has to do to fit in, blend in, please other people....

What do *I* want? *shrugs*

I think I'm a monster who should be shot for the good of humanity

I think this quite often. Only mine goes something like this "I am so ugly (inside, outside) that I should just be shot because I don't deserve to live."

 

[Sighs]

I think it depends on the nature of your trauma.

It makes sense to me intellectually that trauma at a young age, particularly repeated trauma, is going to interfere with your developing sense of self - perhaps to the point of disrupting it completely. I'm not an expert but my understanding is that this is how DID can come about.

I think later trauma can also cause a separation or schism internally.

Diane England in her (excellent and often recommended on the forum) book The PTSD Relationship talks about combat PTSD sufferers having "soul wounds". My vet talks about feeling hollow, being an empty shell of the man he was, feeling like he is wearing a mask and like his soul or essence has been destroyed. Very hard to hear when you adore the man...

 

[rightkindofme]

I think this quite often. Only mine goes something like this "I am so ugly (inside, outside) that I should just be shot because I don't deserve to live."

I'm not going to "like" this because I don't like this. I'm really sorry you feel that way. It sounds hard.

 

[Friday]

I have chapters. Each chapter has built successively into who I was then, and am, now.

I didn't have childhood trauma. Come from a very authoritarian, and very loving home... That just so happened to up and move every 6-24 months. I've always separated my memories into the places I lived at the time, which were usually radically different.

On top of those chapters, I have connecting pieces... People or themes who were present over many -at least 2 or more- chapters.

PTSD is one of those themes. It's been a star character in some chapters, all but absent in others. I didn't even know it was a theme for 5 or 6 chapters. (Military, private contractor, homeless, dark side).

Some idiot tried to diagnose me with DID, once. He thought the different roles I've played in my life were discretely different people. No. They're all me. Just me in different situations. Yes, I may act/ think/ feel radically different in different chapters, or wearing different hats... But they're all "me". Me changing, learning, growing, reverting, changing again, etc... In addition to me being in different scenarios. We're none of us the "same" with everyone. At least, I hope not. Table dancin in the bar? Fine. In church? Not fine. Kissing on a lover? Fine. Kissing on the cop that's pulled you over for speeding? Not fine.

I do tend to compartmentalize... And that's been both a blessing and a curse. It's always let me switch very quickly between one standard of behavior & the next. When my PTSD stuff is in full swing, those compartments break down. I start mixing up my reactions. My present and past blur together. I become less and less functional, because I've always depended on things staying where they belong. Without any effort on my part. PTSD has changed that. Everything takes effort. And, quite simply, I don't always have either the energy or the self awareness to be able to rationally sort things. It's kind of like the pages of a book have gotten wet and stuck together. You can still read the words, through the wet paper, and trying to pull them apart? f*ck. Worse, sometimes it's like the pages are in a blender. And I'm supposed to read them? Right. Okay, this shouldn't take forever to tweezers back into a semblance of storyline.

But whether I'm in a clear, lucid, well put together chapter of my life, or staring at a blender full of mush (words, words, words)... I'm still just me.

 

[rightkindofme]

@FridayJones That was neat.