Childhood What Is Child Abuse?

[Lucycat]

I thought I would start a new thread to discuss why child abuse causes such extreme symptoms of distress (whether or not that leads to a diagnosis of PTSD).

Firstly it can be hard to determine 'abuse' - this is clear from the number of threads asking 'was I abused?' or 'is this abuse?'

Obviously child abuse takes many forms - physical, sexual, emotional and neglect.

• What I am asking is 'what makes it abusive?'.
  
• What is the line between acceptable discipline and a battering?
• When does a 'tickle' become a sexual assault?
  
• When does correcting a child in front of their friends become humiliation and shaming?
  
• At what point does allowing a child to learn independence and practice self care become neglect?

Overt child abuse - when it is clear and there are physical injuries is fairly simple to define. However the subtle and possibly prolonged abuse is easily hidden. How does the child know it is wrong, or if that takes some months or years for the realisation to occur, what are they to do about it?

 

[hodge]

I think it can take many forms. In my case, my mom was occasionally physically abusive . . would slap me on the face, throw things at my dad before they got divorced. But the worst part started when I was about 12. I started to become my own person, as kids do at that age, which is healthy. Anytime I didn't agree with her -- about anything -- she would attack me by usually guilting me, i.e., if I didn't agree with her it meant I didn't care about family or her. There was a lot of other stuff she would say, but I have buried them and can't think of them right now. It got worse. When I left to go to univ., she would call and threaten suicide. She did that all during my teen years as well. It didn't matter if I was studying for an exam the next day or trying to get a paper done. I was supposed to drop everything to be her total, hmm, slave might not be going too far. That's how it felt. Plus, once I was at univ. she got on this thing that I thought I was better than everyone in the family now (it was a prestigious univ, and she bragged about me, but she used it against me, too.) All because I wasn't a carbon copy of her. I would have to call my dad to go over and calm her down, which, bless his heart, he always did. My suitemates were appalled; my first real-life confirmation that this was not a good situation. I finally, in my early 30s, realized I was codependent, thanks to the help of a good friend. I let her get to me and guilt me just for being me. I was in therapy most of my life about this situation. (Which is why I never dealt with my other traumas in therapy; she was always the most prominent problem in my life.) We went to therapy together countless times. Every time, once the therapist started asking her about her past and stuff, she would quit. Just said she couldn't deal with it. Anyway, that's a kind of abbreviated account of my experience.

 

[LuckyDuck]

The child's need to have basic emotional well-being support from its parents is hard-wired into the brain. It's a very difficult thing to cut.

It's not knowing, it's needing and seeking and not understanding.

Therapy is what they are to do about it. A lot of the time that child grows into a fully matured adult and doesn't recognize the core problem, just the symptoms.

LD

 

[LuckyDuck]

If you have the stomache for it, look for the research tests done on baby monkeys. It's archival history as now it's illegal to perform those types of experiments on them.

LD

 

[hodge]

Therapy is what they are to do about it. A lot of the time that child grows into a fully matured adult and doesn't recognize the core problem, just the symptoms.

Exactly part of my problem.

 

[hodge]

Eh, I definitely do not have the stomach for that. It's bad enough with people, but poor innocent animals who don't have our verbal skills? No way.

 

[LuckyDuck]

Exactly part of my problem.

I'm sorry to hear that, Hodge. :(

 

[hodge]

Thanks, LD. Luckily, I finally figured out what the problem was, was able to focus myself on therapy that targeted that problem, blah blah blah, it took a lot years and almost broke up my relationship with my now-husband, but, thank God, I finally got myself out from under her.

 

[Lucycat]

If you have the stomache for it, look for the research tests done on baby monkeys.

Yes I have studied that as part of my course work. It is fascinating and leads to the evidence that attachment is of more importance to the infant than nutrition.

However, what is it about child abuse that we, as adult survivors of it find so distressing?Every single day - and most nights- I think of the abuse I suffered. I have had years of therapy and hold down a job and would be seen to 'function'. But I can't let it go. Why is that? I forgive and forget my brothers bashing me up when we were all small together. But the abuse from adults - that haunts me.

 

[hodge]

Me, too, Lucy, because they are the ones who were supposed to protect us and keep us away from traumatic experiences, as much as they could anyway -- not create them or enable them.

Some things just seem so inexplicable. Like my mom taking me out to dinner at 18 and making me order surf and turf. I took one bite of the lobster, even though it smelled horrible to me, and got so sick I couldn't eat anymore, couldn't sit up or walk on my own. Mind you, my mom has the shellfish allergy. The next year on my birthday, what does she do? Takes me out and orders crab legs for me. God only knows why, but I did take one bite, again got sick as hell. What kind of parent does this???

 

[Suzetig]

I think child abuse is so damaging because children are developing in every way and abuse impacts that development.

Our early attachment relationships in childhood set the "pattern" for how we understand the world and make and keep relationships. A child needs to rely on someone else to have their basic survival needs met, if that person is unsafe they need to put themselves in danger to survive every day. To do that they need to do some powerful internal acrobatics to make it through. Part of that may be completely denying they have needs at all, or punishing themselves for having those needs.

Society tells us our parents (particularly our mother) loves us unconditionally - and many parents will label abuse as an expression of their love. That means that the child grows into an adult for whom safe relationships feel scary and unsafe relationships feel normal and safe - you can soon see how this would impact every other relationship. For example, supportive teachers might feel very unsafe to a young person, triggering their fight or flight, leading to "behavioural problems" possibly and trouble at school.

For example, the only way I can make sense of my parents treatment of me is to believe that I was an evil, disgusting child. That belief meant that I felt grateful for anything they did that was kind and expected them to be cruel, to keep my evil child bit in check. It means that even now, accepting kindness from people feels wrong because they don't seem to know that I'm evil and disgusting and will be angry with me when they find out I've tricked them into giving me something they shouldn't have (care, love, acceptance).

Add into that the flashbacks, dissociation, memory stuff that I still experience as a child and you have a pretty f*cked up adult. I've studied and worked with this stuff for years and am still trying to figure it out for myself but a lot of this is what I'm trying to unpick in therapy just now and it's deep seated and sore to touch.

 

[mary1979]

I'm not sure how well this will be received, feel like I should add a disclaimer of some kind to it, because everytime I've mentioned it, even to people without abuse backgrounds, its been taken with a lot of discomfort.
Maybe dont read if you are a victim of childhood secual