General What Is Cycling?

[Atomic]

This is sort of like a diary for me at the moment.

We emailed back and forth a few times yesterday. He is still pissed off with his sister. He keeps saying, she doesn't need me so I'm nothing to her, she only cares when I can do something for her, she's always been like that, when her life is going ok I don't exist and it hurts'.......which then turns into 'so this is why I find it easier to just get on with things alone and then I don't get disappointed and hurt. When I tried to kill myself, not one single family member phoned the ICU to see if I was ok. She had her family and life was ok, her brother meant nothing to her.'

All of that is true. There is this huge disconnect between the man I know and share things with, and the way he has been treated. I don't get it, and obviously neither does he.

He's not wrong about her - she does use him. He seems fine laying it all out on the table talking about his feelings about her and the rest of his life, but skirts around anything to do with me. Like I'll say....ummm, what am I, swiss cheese? No answer.

At least he's still communicating with me.

 

[Atomic]

He actually just emailed me to say he knows I've been there for him, he's not used to that. :tup:

 

[Atomic]

Oh wow. I had a dummy spit at him on Friday night by email, which then turned into arguing back and forth all afternoon on Saturday. It sort of ended up ok, not great, but ok. So I then sent an email saying I was at saturation point with talking about ptsd and could we talk about something, anything else. No reply.

Then it dawned on me. I can be slow on the uptake sometimes. I thought he just didn't want to talk about personal stuff, when really he doesn't want to talk about ANYTHING. I get it now.

 

[Atomic]

He replied tonight that he's really struggling, trying to get his head around what's going on. He said that PTSD is so hard and painful at times that interacting just completely drains him.

That he tried to explain to me what is going on is exactly why I love him. For the record, I did not reply to that. I figured it took 100% for him to do, so I'll leave it at that. He even cracked a joke (I think it was a joke) and I lol'd.

 

[Atomic]

Haven't contacted him in 3 days. I know he'd reply if I asked if he was ok. But I want him to contact me first. I nearly caved yesterday and had an hour or so where I talked myself down. Figured it was just a feeling and I didn't have to act on it. I'm learning stuff about myself too, it seems.

 

[Atomic]

I emailed him, but did it from a calm energy, not an anxious one. He replied fairly quickly. Said he just wants to curl up in a corner and be invisible, and there's a sadness that has hold of his soul. Finding it hard to get out of bed. He actually greeted me with a term of affection and ended with thanks for the message which was nice to read. He still is upset with his sister and her lack of care, and I wonder if this is like a record stuck in his mind and if it's at the heart of what has sent him into this tailspin.

I update this for other supporters who may not get replies, to share what their sufferers may not be able to put into words. I'm a newbie at this and trying to navigate my way through it. It's like a difficult puzzle without knowing what the end result is supposed to look like.

 

[Nicolette]

It's like a difficult puzzle without knowing what the end result is supposed to look like.

That about sums it up unfortunately!