What Is Depression? What Does It Represent? What Does It Mean?

[Hashi]

I'm not asking what depression is in a biochemical/neurological sense. This isn't about brain chemistry, synapses or any other scientific explanation. Those aren't my terms of understanding anything, and aren't helpful to me.

What I would really appreciate is if anyone would be willing to say what they think depression is, in terms of what it represents. In terms of meaning.

When I first began recovering trauma memories and coming out of denial about the memories I already had, I saw a connection between depression and suppression. That keeping reality and awareness suppressed was keeping me depressed.

Some time later, and having done a lot of trauma processing, I'm still struggling with very bad depression. I'm no longer suppressing trauma as such but I suppose I'm still suppressing parts of myself. In some ways I'm still being inauthentic because there are things and people that have more power over me than feels right. Is that why I'm still depressed?

I feel very divorced from life. I'm not interested in living it. I have to force myself to see friends or do anything. I don't know if I feel that because of depression, or if it's the other way round - if I feel depressed because I don't force myself to connect more.

I'm exhausted from four intense years of working on trauma. But I was able to learn what trauma meant for me, and through that I understood what I needed to do to heal. The only PTSD symptom I still have is some anxiety and related to that, OCD - I'm working hard on both of those and they're becoming much less. I'm confident that soon they will also be gone. But I'm still left with the depression that I've had since I was 15. I don't know what to do to recover, because I think I still don't understand what depression represents.

This isn't a "eat well and exercise" kind of thing. It's an existential thing. What does this depression tell me? Do I need to work more on the effect that trauma has had on me? On being more authentic in my life now? Go through some sort of radical change - and if so, in what form? Or just keep trying to take care of myself and wait?

Does anyone have any thoughts?

 

[arfie]

In my own, personal existential senses, depression is a moment for accepting the sadness of life. Honoring them. What I have lost. What could have been. Unrequited longings. Etc., etc. Sadness is as natural a part of the human experience as the rest of life's diverse mosaic. Yin and yang.

Most of my own depression is about accepting and honoring what I cannot change, but every so often, after the depression recedes, I find myself left with a wrong it is in my power to right or a goal that is within my reach.

That is my own existential view of depression. Gentle encouragement to you while you discern your own.

 

[Hope4future]

Great question. I hadn't thought of looking at depression in terms of what it has to teach me. I don't have an answer to offer here, but wanted to say that I think just asking the question puts you on a path of healing. I'll be giving this some thought too.

 

[Echo]

@Hashi - do you know the book, "Care of the Soul" by Thomas Moore? It is a beautiful discussion in mythological and therapeutic terms about what depression is; what it represents. I highly recommend it. He would argue that it should be honoured and is a season of the soul/psyche. That we all have to go into the Underworld at times to reclaim something valuable. I tend to dip into it nowadays and I find wisdom on each page.

 

[Hashi]

Thank you for your responses.

I think you're touching on something that bothers me and that my therapist has referred to, which is needing to go down sometimes, things being cyclical etc. But I'm always down, there is no cycle. It isn't a season, it doesn't recede. It's constant. For years and years.

I'm not exaggerating. In a year I will have maybe one or two days when I don't feel weighted down by depression. I can't believe how easy it is to go through a day without it. I can't believe that there are other people who feel like I do on that day, normally. But I only get a day, if that long. Then I'm back to dragging myself through again.

This is why I want to understand it. Because I don't seem to have learnt anything from it so far.

I thought recovering memories and processing trauma was the answer, finally. It would seem not. Unless I haven't done enough.... ?

The Thomas Moore book sounds interesting. But the "for a while" idea is painful. The thing is, it isn't for a while.

 

[Sally sue]

Interesting question! I have noticed that after a particularly difficult emdr sesson, where images and feelings are put in their proper place, i feel a strange and tremendous void! It's almost like I just got rid of this taunting, punishing, cruel friend that is with me every second of everyday, and I miss it (lack of a better word). I commonly spiral down, way down afterwards and struggle with severe depression, but it doesn't make any sense because I am free of these horrible images and feelings!!

But I think the lingering, debilitating depression can be a form of grief. Not exactly, grief of what has happened, but grief of something lost that has been a part of me for so long, even though it was killing me! Does that make any sense?

I did a sketch yesterday of myself and my T trying to repair a huge oozing broken pot, the bottom had been smashed and my life force was draining out. My T is holding a piece from the pot and a bottle of glue, I have my finger over a glued leaking spot. I realized that as the hole gets smaller and filled in, there are little improvements in my soul, but I will never be a beautiful complete pot again, I can't with so much damage, and tiny leaks. I think my mind was trying to tell me this and that little leaks still are draining and cause grief and depression.

Maybe that doesn't make any sense to anyone else :(

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm not sure I can be of much help or offer anything valuable as the nature of your depression is quite different from the nature of my depression.

I know that my depression is very much linked to my PTSD and anxiety in that my depression sets in after spikes in anxiety. Working on my anxiety helps to make my depressive symptoms better. In other people, the opposite is true. That is, anxiety is the result of depression. And there are probably those out there who experience little or no link between the two.

I think that discovering these links (or the lack thereof) can give you more insight into your own depression. I'm not sure if this is what you mean by the meaning of depression, but this is how I interpret it. The meaning of my depression is that it is a result of excess anxiety. It means that I need to work harder at controlling my anxiety and minimizing stressors.

Your meaning is likely quite different. I know you don't want the biochemical explanation, but maybe that's what you need? I mean my depression isn't biochemical. When a doctor prescribes me antidepressants, I get hypo manic. Reasonable as giving what amounts to uppers to someone with normal amounts of biochemicals just results in an artificial high. But, maybe your meaning of depression IS biochemical. If you try to fight it by thinking happy thoughts and just using coping skills, well, that would be akin to a diabetic simply trying to wish their blood sugar levels to a normal level. Bottom line, it isn't going to happen.

Do you want your depression to be situational? I mean that would allow you to fix the external causes rather than internalizing the cause. Based on what you've said, it doesn't seem to be situational if you only have 2 days a year in which it isn't a major burden. Have you been diagnosed with major depressive disorder? It sounds as if that may be what you're experiencing.

 

[Hashi]

I know you don't want the biochemical explanation, but maybe that's what you need?

I've tried that route and it didn't help me. I've tried all types of anti-depressants in various doses and in various drug combinations. I've tried cognitive behaviour therapy and ECT. For years I tried mainstream and science-based approaches. I then tried homeopathy and then herbalism. I've done long-term healing diets, been tested for food intolerances and avoided those foods. I've been tested for vitamin and mineral deficiencies, thyroid function, all sorts of things. I've had mercury amalgam fillings replaced, I've stopped using any chemical products for toiletries, cleaning etc.

I'm not saying it's situational as such. I'm saying it's existential. For example, the meaning that things hold for me, the meaning of the depression itself, having (or not having) a sense of purpose, the ability for self-realisation and authenticity. Exploring and processing issues of meaning and feeling isn't the same as thinking happy thoughts and using coping skills.

What you say about anxiety is interesting, because I do still have some anxiety that I'm working on and this is fairly constant. It's daily, because I have it around things I have to do every day. It's frustrating and dispiriting.

 

[Hashi]

I think the lingering, debilitating depression can be a form of grief. Not exactly, grief of what has happened, but grief of something lost that has been a part of me for so long, even though it was killing me! Does that make any sense?

Yes, grief makes sense.

I also understand what you say about the void that follows trauma processing. I think my experience of post-trauma void is separate from the depression, because I have a sense of what it is. I can articulate it, put an image to it, express it. It's difficult but it's understandable. For me, it's about identity and learning to own something different. But there's a link to loss in that it highlights how much I've lost to trauma.

Grief and loss make sense, in terms of depression.

When I told my therapist that the more progress I made with OCD the more angry I felt she helped me understand that, in terms of what I've lost to it. It seems paradoxical but it's about finally being able to "afford" to be that angry, instead of all my energy having to go into coping with the symptoms.

So far so good. However, as the sharpness of the anger over that has receded, it isn't in a way that feels good. It has become a blunt instrument. Still a weapon.

I understand grief to be a process and a sign of change. We aren't meant to get stuck there. It isn't meant to turn from sharp to blunt but still forceful, then stay like that. Maybe I don't know how to grieve?

 

[Sally sue]

You're right, Hashi, we were not meant to become stuck in the dull dark ache of grief :(. As I read your words, it breaks my heart for the two of us (and the rest of the people here).

Also, you're right that grief is a process! Unfortunately, it is a "process" and that doesn't say how long or how one will go through it. My T says there's no wrong way to grieve, but it sure feels awful.

Maybe the more trauma and difficulties we've experienced, the more greiving we have to do :confused:.

I don't know about you, but my upbringing didn't allow the expression of emotions, so another part of the process for me IS learning how to tolerate my emotions, that my feelings are okay, and yes, "how to grieve." How could we know how to deal with these strong emotions when we didn't learn how when we were young? :wtf:

I think you are on the right path! The path to understanding your own inner world by examining these questions ;). Thanks for sharing the learning with us! :hug:

 

[Dragon Fighter]

I don't have an answer for you, but I wanted to say that you are not the only one who struggles with a depression that is so debilitating, there is nothing beyond it. The kind that goes on for years, the kind that does not respond to any treatments... I am just starting EMDR, and was really hoping that it would be the answer to reversing the depression. I am seeing from this thread that it might not be the answer I thought it was.

I also think there is a link between the anxiety and depression. I never thought about it like that before, but that seems to make sense at a gut level. When the anxiety passes, the depression sets in deep. The problem is that neither state of being is comfortable, and who wants to spend their life going back and forth between these terrible extremes?

 

[Tinyflame]

I too think anxiety and depression can be related. And something maybe depleted (physically), or some sort of biochemical (or something?) fluctuation, hormonal (adrenal), or some combination, not exactly that but for example when I am ill and don't realize it I get depressed, and then try to attempt to assign a reason. Pushing it too hard.

Grief aside (which I totally respect), I wonder if it's the capacity for sorrow (from experience). I don't think it's strange, just a pain-to-peaceful ratio. But, they say we (then) have the potential to counter-balance it with an equivalent potential for joy.

I also suspect it has much to do with our self-concept at the core. Not just present day, but perhaps a series of a lot of small cuts not even recognized or acknowledged. The feeling just seems to be 'there', but really maybe it's stress and pain.