What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I'm not sure where this fits- the 'I realize that' thread.., the 'what are you feeling?' one, this one, and more, so I'll just plop it here.

I hate going downtown, waiting for a bus some guy says, "I thought you're looking for a partner?", to which (this time) I said, "No, I'm looking for a bus!" . Tue night was the same, but not downtown, guy I know wanted to go for a drink at his place, and we were both soaked in the rain. So maybe it's busses, or '10:30' that's the problem, lol. But, the only important part was, I was more assertive. And insisted the guy downtown get on 1st so I could avoid (good avoidance). And guy I know, well he said his birthday was the other day, and his age was 4 years more than since when I remembered (before that) he's been asking me to go out. Which would be a lousy and self-harmful idea with that guy, for me. But needless to say, I can't believe it's 4+ years, my memory only felt like a bit over a year? But I did remember years aho going out with a guy because of his sheer perseverance (which seemed shorter then, too), but was the wrong reason.

However, I was very blessed to have a peace-filled day. I know what actually makes me feel better, and helps my health. Come to think of it, I only took 2 Tylenol and no Gaviscon, didn't need it. It's hard if not impossible to find a way to do the things I need now, though. Needless to say that makes me feel a bit sad or at a loss. I suppose I long for what I know made me feel better, brought me peace and strength, but at least I know it still can, and I know myself a little bit, I'm still 'me'. But also I was happy, and tried to follow good direction. I do suppose I am quite vulnerable in choosing to trust. But what is more unnerving, I realize tonight, is fear of being happy, as terrible things followed in the past. I mean I knew that, but today I really 'knew' that, more in my heart. Still, I was glad to be able to be honest, trust, and to know there's something I have to do for a friend. I was fortunate because it was a day of kindness in many ways and freedom of heart. (And I wasn't even at the beach! 😊 )

I was also thinking, they say forgiving is possible, but forgetting is hard. But I think forgetting is easy with real forgiveness. Not remembering any reason to be hurt, makes it easy. Which is the case if I don't remember it because it's not so, or not relevant, or I see it differently or I was wrong. And times where I am reminded of some reason that is relevant (most aren't, but even if they are), it's still up to me to choose to think of or remain in negative thoughts, or choose positive ones. I mean, what to focus on. I also mean, esp with people not close, who cares?, really. That kind of past doesn't really matter to me as there is the present to live in. Stuff to contend with, much to be thankful for. Much of my life experiences seem to be at both ends of the Bell curve!

Maybe that's part of what makes self-forgiveness hard, when we have past intrusive reminders beyond our choice? Well, and all the other obvious reasons.

It was a day full of birds! I found an empty small nest at my house, bigger than a hummingbird one (golfball-sized, I think?, as I found 2 or 3 before), but not by much- kind of a flattened plum size. Then I thought I was seeing floaters- there were about 150-200 seagulls coasting along quietly high above me. Twice. 🙂 And then, a plant trained in to a tree at my house, only about 7 feet tall, had a bird sitting on it for hours, singing when I was there, I think there must be a nest there! Reminded me of Snoopy on his doghouse. 😄

Oye, sorry it's so long. And still can't quite get the words!
 
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Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I was thinking after something I heard, that many people see rest as a form of escapism, or church for that matter. Notwithstanding crazy sects or cults, I think as a person always active physically or mentally, I appreciate the relief and as they said- attachment, to God. And of course others, though I am slow to do that. I realize it's not everyone's cup of tea but for me it helps anxiety and when feeling broken hearted. Even if no one would/ could guess how I am feeling. But ya, attachment is probably the right word. Which is something different than just 'stopping', though anywhere or with anyone you can just put your burdens down is a good thing. A priest I knew who was an army chaplain and worked with a lot of people with ptsd would say "For this 1/2 hour we'll check our worries at the door". For anyone who thought he didn't understand ptsd they would have been totally wrong, and he never minced words, saw and knew about and lived through a lot of horrendous stuff.
 
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OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
Afghanistan. My heart is breaking for all those people crushed together, desperate to leave. And all those who can’t get out—the most vulnerable.

I am so grateful for the governors around the world who said, “You can come here, we will help you.”
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
What a weird day already, I hate and dread the rain. 😭

Was bitching and bemoaning today, and then heard my name an hour later, a friend, sort of, don't know or can't remember his last name, but used to be my bus driver and asked me out for literally years. But on a beautiful motorcycle, but I kind of avoided after talking to him at a little, just had a lot of mixed thoughts, but he made 2 passes back. Should have at least asked for a ride lol, I was thinking I had no helmet but then realized neither did he. Actually I was trying to avoid if he asked to come over, or go for a coffee. Well Idk if he'd be interested anymore, but my way or what was true to me or because of my 'feelings' destroyed every dream I ever had through the years, and even arguably other's, so about time to do what everybody else does, I guess, screw my way or how I feel. Meantime, I saw a guy with a cardboard box and Eagle Flag written on it; a car with MENACE written across the grill, and SHEEP plus a heart written on the back of the bus seat in front of me, Yep, weird and 10 more hours to go.
 
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