I'm not sure where this fits- the 'I realize that' thread.., the 'what are you feeling?' one, this one, and more, so I'll just plop it here.
I hate going downtown, waiting for a bus some guy says, "I thought you're looking for a partner?", to which (this time) I said, "No, I'm looking for a bus!" . Tue night was the same, but not downtown, guy I know wanted to go for a drink at his place, and we were both soaked in the rain. So maybe it's busses, or '10:30' that's the problem, lol. But, the only important part was, I was more assertive. And insisted the guy downtown get on 1st so I could avoid (good avoidance). And guy I know, well he said his birthday was the other day, and his age was 4 years more than since when I remembered (before that) he's been asking me to go out. Which would be a lousy and self-harmful idea with that guy, for me. But needless to say, I can't believe it's 4+ years, my memory only felt like a bit over a year? But I did remember years aho going out with a guy because of his sheer perseverance (which seemed shorter then, too), but was the wrong reason.
However, I was very blessed to have a peace-filled day. I know what actually makes me feel better, and helps my health. Come to think of it, I only took 2 Tylenol and no Gaviscon, didn't need it. It's hard if not impossible to find a way to do the things I need now, though. Needless to say that makes me feel a bit sad or at a loss. I suppose I long for what I know made me feel better, brought me peace and strength, but at least I know it still can, and I know myself a little bit, I'm still 'me'. But also I was happy, and tried to follow good direction. I do suppose I am quite vulnerable in choosing to trust. But what is more unnerving, I realize tonight, is fear of being happy, as terrible things followed in the past. I mean I knew that, but today I really 'knew' that, more in my heart. Still, I was glad to be able to be honest, trust, and to know there's something I have to do for a friend. I was fortunate because it was a day of kindness in many ways and freedom of heart. (And I wasn't even at the beach! )
I was also thinking, they say forgiving is possible, but forgetting is hard. But I think forgetting is easy with real forgiveness. Not remembering any reason to be hurt, makes it easy. Which is the case if I don't remember it because it's not so, or not relevant, or I see it differently or I was wrong. And times where I am reminded of some reason that is relevant (most aren't, but even if they are), it's still up to me to choose to think of or remain in negative thoughts, or choose positive ones. I mean, what to focus on. I also mean, esp with people not close, who cares?, really. That kind of past doesn't really matter to me as there is the present to live in. Stuff to contend with, much to be thankful for. Much of my life experiences seem to be at both ends of the Bell curve!
Maybe that's part of what makes self-forgiveness hard, when we have past intrusive reminders beyond our choice? Well, and all the other obvious reasons.
It was a day full of birds! I found an empty small nest at my house, bigger than a hummingbird one (golfball-sized, I think?, as I found 2 or 3 before), but not by much- kind of a flattened plum size. Then I thought I was seeing floaters- there were about 150-200 seagulls coasting along quietly high above me. Twice. And then, a plant trained in to a tree at my house, only about 7 feet tall, had a bird sitting on it for hours, singing when I was there, I think there must be a nest there! Reminded me of Snoopy on his doghouse.
Oye, sorry it's so long. And still can't quite get the words!
I hate going downtown, waiting for a bus some guy says, "I thought you're looking for a partner?", to which (this time) I said, "No, I'm looking for a bus!" . Tue night was the same, but not downtown, guy I know wanted to go for a drink at his place, and we were both soaked in the rain. So maybe it's busses, or '10:30' that's the problem, lol. But, the only important part was, I was more assertive. And insisted the guy downtown get on 1st so I could avoid (good avoidance). And guy I know, well he said his birthday was the other day, and his age was 4 years more than since when I remembered (before that) he's been asking me to go out. Which would be a lousy and self-harmful idea with that guy, for me. But needless to say, I can't believe it's 4+ years, my memory only felt like a bit over a year? But I did remember years aho going out with a guy because of his sheer perseverance (which seemed shorter then, too), but was the wrong reason.
However, I was very blessed to have a peace-filled day. I know what actually makes me feel better, and helps my health. Come to think of it, I only took 2 Tylenol and no Gaviscon, didn't need it. It's hard if not impossible to find a way to do the things I need now, though. Needless to say that makes me feel a bit sad or at a loss. I suppose I long for what I know made me feel better, brought me peace and strength, but at least I know it still can, and I know myself a little bit, I'm still 'me'. But also I was happy, and tried to follow good direction. I do suppose I am quite vulnerable in choosing to trust. But what is more unnerving, I realize tonight, is fear of being happy, as terrible things followed in the past. I mean I knew that, but today I really 'knew' that, more in my heart. Still, I was glad to be able to be honest, trust, and to know there's something I have to do for a friend. I was fortunate because it was a day of kindness in many ways and freedom of heart. (And I wasn't even at the beach! )
I was also thinking, they say forgiving is possible, but forgetting is hard. But I think forgetting is easy with real forgiveness. Not remembering any reason to be hurt, makes it easy. Which is the case if I don't remember it because it's not so, or not relevant, or I see it differently or I was wrong. And times where I am reminded of some reason that is relevant (most aren't, but even if they are), it's still up to me to choose to think of or remain in negative thoughts, or choose positive ones. I mean, what to focus on. I also mean, esp with people not close, who cares?, really. That kind of past doesn't really matter to me as there is the present to live in. Stuff to contend with, much to be thankful for. Much of my life experiences seem to be at both ends of the Bell curve!
Maybe that's part of what makes self-forgiveness hard, when we have past intrusive reminders beyond our choice? Well, and all the other obvious reasons.
It was a day full of birds! I found an empty small nest at my house, bigger than a hummingbird one (golfball-sized, I think?, as I found 2 or 3 before), but not by much- kind of a flattened plum size. Then I thought I was seeing floaters- there were about 150-200 seagulls coasting along quietly high above me. Twice. And then, a plant trained in to a tree at my house, only about 7 feet tall, had a bird sitting on it for hours, singing when I was there, I think there must be a nest there! Reminded me of Snoopy on his doghouse.
Oye, sorry it's so long. And still can't quite get the words!
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