What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I was thinking about this a very long time, (closer to years than months), and you've helped me @Teasel to do it. My intention or goal (crossed fingers I have the ability and maturity and fortitude, I mean) is to view All this stuff in a different way (like you making me laugh Teasel). I imagine that requires seeing myself in a different way too, which may not be possible. But, regardless, I can choose to not be bitter, and I can choose to just take the negative without ego. I can choose to look for the truths in criticism or other's words, I can choose to remember we are all imperfect, and I can choose to internalize it in the sense of choosing to not react, but not overly process it either, at least where the processing only is a negative circle of hurt or feeling hurt, or seeing it as confirmation of my worthlessness to be alive one more minute. Because short of suicide I have no say in that, either. I mean, in the simplest way, being more mature. It's sort of riding the wave of what others or the day brings, and choosing what to focus on. Which, there are always things to be grateful for, though some moments I have to dig pretty deep. I'm not sure if that makes sense, for all those words. = Accepting what comes, and trying not to become bitter or hardened about it, and avoiding as best as possible where I don't belong, but accepting and trying to find something good to bring out of it where that's all I can choose. I think people might think of it as sacrifice, but it's actually just choice amongst options and shelving the self pity for hopefully something more productive or less self-focused +/or less self-hurtful. Hopefully. I guess it's taking things less personal, even if they're meant personal, but I am doing my best. And trying to think all others are trying to do their best too. Try to look for and appreciate the good people do. Be generous in forgiving, slow or absent if possible to judge, and try to be most generous as possible giving the benefit of the doubt. And stuff like ptsd, well, I've long been forced to accept mind over matter doesn't always work, but it just is what it is and it's more productive to find work-arounds to the extent I can. It's not personal, either- someone with Diabetes can't will their blood sugar to regulate. I hope that all (or a little) makes sense. Sorry it's so long.
 
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Teasel

Not Active
Reckon I understand @Rosebud

I remember hearing or prolly more likely reading someobe say that when it comes to people criticising or being mean to imagine their words go straight past you and hit someone nearby. And for you to imahine turning tound to thst person and saying well, seems like a nice person.

And I would love to get to the stage where someone being mean doesnt affect me. At all because I have a firm belief that I don't deserve it.

That sort of thing?
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Well actually @Teasel , that's a lovely technique to suggest, though my first thought was, "OMG! 👀 That's awful!", and should protect the nice person.

I am VERY glad you feel you don't deserve it. 🤗

I meant sort of like this: there was a famous little person, a child 12 or maybe even younger. She didn't have it easy, mom had died when small. She loved Christmas, and presents, was just about to go and open them and overheard her father say, ~"I'm so glad this will be the last year for this (because of her age)". Idk know if they had financial hardship, but anyone who has had, or is out of energy, could get that comment within it's context. And today, we may say, ~she was just a child (I thought that), or the dad wasn't very attuned, or she misunderstood, etc. Which are all true. But the remarkable thing was, according to her she saw it as her turning point, where she chose instead of feeling hurt (& remember she didn't know the context, and had a child's mind), or acting out (pouting, sadness, etc) to be happy and grateful and enjoy the Christmas. It didn't mean she wasn't hurt or didn't have thoughts about it or herself or others, but she was going to be all-in in that moment, and not allow self 'anything', especially pity, to influence both how she presented but more importantly what she was going to choose to continue to think. This is something even adults don't accomplish, or are self-aware or introspective enough to recognize and face.

I think, whatever our challenges, when they arise most of us (well I'll speak just for myself)- I swear I will apply what I know or remember later or try to do better about x,y, or z, in regards to myself.. But it's not easy. I think it takes that kind of re-orientation. Even to go against what I feel about myself/ am not worth it.
 
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Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Yikes typed & it disappeared. 😴

does sound like some pretty extreme negation of one's own feelings though?
Yes, Idk. The less-self and recognizing cognitive distortions is good and necessary, and takes work. I think it's easier to start with your own nature, because it isn't as difficult. I find it easier to give a more generous explanation, and others as a motivator is easier. Life has taught me Idk what other people are dealing with. But the downside to battle is that conversely, I am afraid and my own history teaches me not to invest. And my own history has taught me I'm not worth others investing in. So I don't quite get how to still give always the most generous explanation and still honor what other people want, as not everyone is going to be blatantly dismissive. So it's hard to know if they aren't direct. And so Idk what feelings to have, or when I have negative ones I do not know if I'm not giving enough empathy or benefit of the doubt. And just as equally if I do give more empathy whether I'm not 'getting the message'. As in, I feel ultimately actually kind of happy/ relief if I know where I stand in some ways, but then I also feel badly, and feel badly have I been judgemental to think so, am I accurate or inaccurate? And then, if I do ultimately feel badly, what it matters? Because I'm not sure when it affects only me, what it matters how I feel? (I mean that quite literally.) And some things are just too painful to be around, negative things but also positive ones, eg family when you are not welcome, or those who don't understand the vulnerability or trauma. And yet, too, thinking consumed with any of the above sadness or hurt is- boring to me, actually. And rife with cognitive distortions if I feed it. But the consequence of not thinking at all, is not feeling. And that's a monster of it's own if left to grow. I am pretty soft hearted (I think) but not also one to share or ask, so I don't want to become totally numb, but I don't really fit in aggressive or competitive or callous or exclusive environments and feel ok inside.

The maturity or self-preoccupation parts though, I think they are pretty basic. (Not necessarily easy, but pretty basic truths.) As are cognitive distortions, and choice of focus, and attitude (maybe not the right word, thankfulness, openness, etc).

I hope that makes sense. I'm a gallon of coffee and 20 hours sleep short of coherent expression. 🙄
 
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Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you @Teasel !

And thank you for helping me, and your clarity. You are right, the easiest way to choose and decipher is the basic obvious, it's good not to complicate it with self reflection. I heard a funny thing a while back by accident, that no one takes their phone out of their pocket and goes, "Great! A text from so-and-so, I'll read it later" lol. I know I'm no picnic, and I need to do my own work, but actually no one is. Much wiser to be kind, but kind to one's self also. Go where you're wanted, give others a chance and accept their acceptance and where they're glad of your presence in their life. And do the same for them.

Thank you. 🤗
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sure the critic you refer to is perfect
^^ I was thinking later, should have said, "You don't like shop talk, or interupting your movie when I walk in the door and say hello? Well I don't like when you get drunk, pick me up and stick your finger up my as*". But of course, neither the time, nor the place, nor the environment, nor the importance of what 'was' going on at the moment. Am I'm not there to fight. But there I was, apologizing. Wow. I am a jerk (not the word I'd use).

Or feeling badly saying, I smell and see B.S. Most people would say, "You are a liar, or, You are a BSh'tter, or You are an as*hole". Not me, I trust or feel badly. What a fool.

Reminds me of a creep of a relative, telling me "Here's good news for you to wake up to, and, I've got a million angels on my side", after she swindled. Or how much she loved my sister, who she forgets she said "Time for a BIG PUSH to the other side", and tried but failed. And I haven't changed my phone number, wow. Gross. Makes me want to become an atheist. Which I'm well on my way and the stars are aligning to ensure it. Or rather, non-practising, I feel God exists.

And those aren't even what bother me the most, they're just the side dishes.

Starting to think, it's not me being judgemental, some people are not kind, or nice, or honest, or even above board. Let alone give a sh*t. And that's it for me and my heart.
 
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Teasel

Not Active
Well I don't like when you get drunk, pick me up and stick your finger up my as*"
I'm so sorry 🫂
But there I was, apologizing. Wow. I am a jerk (not the word I'd use).
You aren't, like I too have an inner critic that tells me nice stuff like that, but it isn't how I would ever think of anyone else in my situation. Like I'm sure you wouldn't think me a jerk for apologising to my abuser?
Not me, I trust or feel badly. What a fool.
The same has been true for me most of my life. Growing up it wasn't safe to stick up for myself or call bullshit. It just wasn't.
Starting to think, it's not me being judgemental, some people are not kind, or nice, or honest, or even above board. Let alone give a sh*t. And that's it for me and my heart.
Yes absolutely, same here. I've been so effing good at being surrounded by mostly only awful people.

Bit worried by what you mean by that's it for you and this heart?

I mean, I'm launching myself into the unknown in the hopes iof creating a new life without those kind of arseholes. Though still here in the refuge I'm surrounded by em again.

Getting to the stage where you've had enough could possibly be a good thing if it leads to you maybe leaving them.

I hope you are ok. 🫂
 
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